Nicks self forgiveness

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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 26 Nov 2015, 04:15

So in the previous vlog, I had opened up a point on becoming frightened, or getting this sense of heavy anxiety. Well, I decided to postpone the 2nd part for tomorrow, and tonight, focus on a situation I faced with a man who I encountered at the store parking lot.

So I was getting out of my truck, and I saw a man talking to a man getting in his car. I sort of had this knowingness that the man was going to approach me. I had this point of separation from the man, where I was somewhat afraid of him coming to talk to me, because I knew he would probably ask for money, or help with something. So the man came over, and asked for help, I said "sure what do you need help with", he said he had a son with him, and he couldn't afford to pay for staying in a room for a night. I immediatly reacted into making excuses why I couldn't help him - no money, Idk if I could trust him. I naturally said, "I only have my moms credit card", but then I wondered if maybe he had a phone that I could contact him on once I would have a way of helping the man and his child, which I didn't necessarily have an idea of how this would work. So I asked him if he had a phone, and he said his minutes were ran out. At this point, I immediatly went into the conclusion that I couldn't help him, but I sort of tried to just have a conversation with him, maybe getting to know him, but he was in a hurry (within his situation of needing money) and so we said our goodbyes.

I went into the store, and I went into all though of how I could've helped him better, like maybe I. Pudge simply gave him my phone number for him to contact me, and then some way I could help him. So once I checked out, I wrote down my number, and went out, got in my truck, and drove around to find him. Well, I couldn't find him, so I headed home. Suddenly I got this feeling of guilt, and self blame, and then I felt angry at the world, and then I felt sad, looking at the potential that I could've used to help this man and his child, and I blamed myself for not having been HERE, breathing, and having been much more directive within helping this man with his child, and then within this, I almost wanted to cry. So I tried letting go of the point, but when I walked in my house, I experienced this sadness/anger within myself, and as I talked to my mom, I sort of just wanted to go to my room, and then my dog came to play with me, but then I had seen that I was irritated with the dog, and so this was where it had to stop, this self sabotage, this self blame, because what is feeling sad and angry going to do, only separate myself further from what's here, and so this was the sign to write this blog.

Things that I need to take into consideration here, is why do I feel sad and the anger at he same time, because if these emotions were really valid, when seeing that someone is living pretty much on the streets to survive, when there is abuse like this all over this world. So why have I placed so much value towards this specific man and his child, when I haven't even considered the suffering that goes on all around in this world.

So I see this situation - not having been focused on what this man was needing help with, and also the experience of self sabotage from not having considered the abuse that I was allowing to not help this man, and also the experience of this when not considering the whole world, and how I've relatedand separated myself from it. I mean why do I care so much about wanting to help this man, when I wasn't even allowing myself to support myself and my life HERE, and see the abuse I accept and allow as separation from the people around me, which is really separation from this whole world.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not have been completely HERE when having had the opportunity to help the man and his child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have went into positive backchat when going into the store, within the hope that I was going to help this man, which placing value on this man, and myself as "good" within the situation of him needing money.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel this intense energetic emotion of anger/sadness when having seen that I wasn't able to help the man because I had seen that I was too much in my mind, and then seeing the abuse this man was going through with his child, and then getting angry at myself and saddened by how the world operates and allows men and their children to live poor on the streets, barely being able to live in a room for just a night.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not see and realize, that I have separated myself From the abuse in this world, and from how this world operates, within my limited fears of who I think I am in relationship to it, and therefor not seeing the real abuse that is in this situation with the man and his child, which is that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the emotional experience of self sabotage, placing myself as the more important one, and my mere experience of myself within how I relate to this world, and to the situation with the man and his child.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to place value of one person over another, and therefor having had an emotional connection with people who suffer, instead of having a physical connection with myself, and how I can utilize my relationship/separation to the abuse in this world,a which is the very existence within myself, and how I've separated myself from it within feelings, emotions, love and light, the real shit that has been the cause of my own accepted and allowed abuse. Thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse the abuse within my world, within my environment, through only wanting to protect the mere feeling of who I am, the idea, and not actually allow myself to change every aspect that I can, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not be completely focused and willing to change myself, in order to really see the change in this world, and to actually live the change, and stop the a use in real time, by stopping the excuses to allow self sabotage, sadness, anger, and to actually start practically changing myself within what and how I want to see the world change.

Within this, I see and realize that it will take physical work, physical application, and stopping emotions, stopping the excuses within myself to actually start living change, and living support, and stopping the abuse within my world, and quit thinking I must help the poor, when I haven't even seen how I relate myself to the poor, and the abuse the poor go through.

When and as I see myself feeling saddened and angry at the world, at myself for what I've Ccepted and allowed, I stop, I breath, and I understand that I have practically accepted and allowed shit, lived it out, and within this, knowing that there are solutions, which feeling upset, simply isn't a solution, and is all just self sabotaging nonsense, allowing the bullshit to rumble, and where I can sadden myself back to the same abusive patterns.

I commit myself to start working more on myself, to stop expecting motivation, and to start actually pushing through all obstacles that I can, and if I fall then I get up and I keep pushing, keep this purpose of changing myself, to live out change, and not only see change, but see it as a reference point, that I must work harder, and I cannot stop within what ive seen change in, because, most likely, it will take more than a life time to stop ALL the abuse in this world, and therefor I must keep going,until it is done, and must keep living in a purpose for that which is best for all, to Live as the words I speak within my blogs, vlogs, to live change. Therefor within this, I commit myself to give up desires, give up old relationships, and to live this, through applying myself within common sense, meaning that which is common in this world, and what I can use within that common understanding, and create a sense out of it, and therefor using this common sense, to walk out of emotions, thoughts, participations of abuse, however seeing I will have inevitable falls, and therefor within this common sense, not self sabotaging my falls, but finding solutions to not fall again.

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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 27 Nov 2015, 23:07

Friday, November 27, 2015
Day 9 - fearing my thoughts, and experiences part 2
So I was opening up the point of becoming very anxious, scared, within how I experience myself when smoking cigars, or around around cigar smoke, and how this has related to the mental reaction I get to the experience from the cigar smoke, and also why this occurs within myself- So there was an interesting situation that happened within myself, a sort of paranoia hallucination type feeling, after I was at a cigar bar down town. It seems that when I smoke or am around cigar smoke, it gives me this initial anxiety. Usually when it is night time, this anxiety turn into this hyper intense paranoia, so much that it's like my experience, is like this heavy negative and scary feeling on my body. Now, this heavy feeling is merely the effects of the cigar reacting physically with my brain, which if you've never had a cigar, some can be quite strong.

So where does this feeling and experience related to the heavy dizzy feeling come from? Well, it comes from my relationship with altering feelings that relate to the effect a cigar has on me, to the time when I used to smoke weed, and do psychedelics. Basically, when I smoked weed, or did psychedelics, I felt extremely paranoid, self conscious, not knowing what to feel or think, and therefor, this stuff has really altered my mental experience, and also therefor my living experience, because before all of this shit, I never had these scary feelings, or freaked out moments, and this has also contributed to my schizophrenia, and the way I experience myself in certain situations of my life.

Self forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to get anxiety when I inhale cigar smoke, within when I see that I feel this altering physical change in my brain and body, I automatically relate the experiences I had with weed and psychedelics, the hallucination paranoia state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the cigar, instead of seeing how I relate to the feeling the cigar gives me, and utilizing that feeling, and walking through it within the practical understanding, that my body is simply experiencing the heavy, dizzy feeling. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not breath through the anxiety, and rather walk through what fears I have in relationship to the anxiety, maybe what I was already experiencing and fearful of beforehand, and then to see how I can stop the paranoia, intense anxiety.

Within this, when and as I see myself inhaling cigar smoke, whether deliberately or whether around it, and see myself getting this heavy dizzy feeling, I stop, I breath, and I immediately start working with what's here. Focusing on the practical solutions we my environment, and understanding that it is simply a physical change within myself, and that this change is simply effecting my brain, and the chemical functioning relation of my brain, and body.

Within this, I commit myself to not fear this feeling, but rather see what experiences come up, focus on that one experience, assess it, and forgive it, or if in a busy situation, focusing on what's here, on breath, and focusing on how I can improve my self expression within the physical changes from the cigar smoke.

I commit myself to buy a cigar, slowly smoke it, and then start off in an alone enironment, listen to music, and analyze what changes are happening, see what thoughts come up, and then utilize what I assess as the main experience I have.

Then when I'm comfortable with the first step, I commit myself to go back to the cigar bar, simply be around the smoke in the air, and then utilize what I experience as how I've laid out the tools for the first step, and then when I'm ready, smoke a cigar, while around cigar smoke, and then apply these tools.

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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 28 Nov 2015, 15:00

Walking with schizophrenia - 7 year journey to life

Saturday, November 28, 2015
Day 10 - protecting my pride as a male, vs. women and males/my partner
So today is going to be quite an early blog, since I have had broken sleep, and decided to spend this early cold morning opening up a point that has been making itself quite known to me ever since something I experienced last night, and which lead to now.

So I was visiting with my partner, and her friend. We were having a nice time, laughs, everyone was having fun. We were waiting on my partners step brother to show up, so in the meantime we just were hangin out. So quite short and simple, my partners step brother and step father showed up. The first individual I saw was her step father, which would like to say, that it already have a "comfortable" relationship with her step father, so I said "hey what's up", and it was cool. So I was glad to see my partners step father, and step brother show up, and so I went to greet thes yep brother. It was interesting, because as soon as I had went face to face with him, it was welcoming like meeting someone should be, but then I got this change I knew manifested in my facial expression, and I knew the step brother probably caught onto it. Well, this change was due to intimidation.

So why was I intimidated, well, it's because I had judged this idea of this person within the protective point of my own pride, in relationship to being with my partner. See this is important, because I've had this pattern, when meeting family members who are males (which females too, but it has a different effect), I get intimidated, based on the age of the male, which I've seen here, that if he looks young, and in my perseption "dominate", I immediatly get this feeling and experience of fear, and intimidation, you know fear of my pride as a partner being taken away, from another male that I look to as in some form or shape dominate, whether the male has been seen as supportive, or have characteristics that I aspire to have, and thus within this, seeing that I've felt very incompetent as a person to my partner.

So continuing on, everything was fine, we talked, got to know eachother, but for the reason of feeling incompetent, I had felt very jealous of this male, and when I saw him hug and get along with my partner, lol, which I mean considering the fact that he's her fucking step brother, I was like getting this sense that "he's taking her away from me" which meaning that in my mind, he's very confident, has these characteristics, and my partner is getting along with him, which I'm comparing myself to this individual male, as him being better than me, and within this I saw that my partner could "have better" than me, a male who has more vibrant expression than myself, which yes, there's obviously allot of males who have more confidence, better vocabulary, better educated, better processed expression than myself, and so within this, I judged myself as incompetent, and within this, felt angry with myself, because my pride as "competent for my partner" was being shot down, and I had clearly seen this in the fore front of my experience towards my partner, and her step brother getting along.

So bringing is specific situation up, is not to necessarily looks to this specific situation, because this experience is much bigger and this relationship with my partner and her step brother, shows something that I've been keepi exclusively in my own mind for quite some time in relationship to women, which my partner being the focus because my partners a woman. The point is, is that I have always thought, that I have had to prove competence to women, either through attraction, intelligence, confidence, or any other form of expression, and what I've seen, is that when I learnt about what my partner had told me she was attracted to, I had immediatly felt incompetent, because lol, I have already set myself for failure by placing judgements within myself as negative, in relationship to women. I mean, my whole life I've had a struggle with communicating with women, I've had these preconceived ideas that I needed to therefor impress women.

So the vital point to expose here, is why do I feel the need to protect my partner from other males, why do I find it necessary, and accept and allow myself to become jealous of young, "attractive" males that my partner gets along with?

Before stating self forgiveness, and self corrective statements, I see that, within facing this, that this is something that I've been fearful of to discuss with my partner. So today, I'm finally going to open this point up to her, but within principles of not self sabotaging the point, which is usually why I've been afraid to open it up, and so within this commitment to talking to my partner about this point, I'm going to lay out a better understanding of how I can communicate this point with my partner, which will also be laid out in this blog.

Self forgiveness statements:

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to feel incompetent to women, and therefor try and promote my "competence" through wanting to be lovey dovey, touchy, and put on a show of "confidence" when around women, specifically my partner. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to do this, within the understanding that there are males who practically have different characteristics than myself, that I see as "better than me" and therefor within being "confident" around my partner, I'm actually playing confidence, in the hopes that she will accept me for who I am, and then within this, seeing that when that confidence is exposed within myself as fake, or maybe not fake, but simply when a point comes up that I feel insecure about, that influences my confidence, I immediatly go into being quiet with her, or not being as open, and also I see that I will usually resort to wanting to touch her more, like hug, hold her hand, kiss her, etc.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to thus feel angry at myself, and have this anger because I feel incompetent, and I know I've accepted and allowed my self expression to be the result of the potential that I've hidden away within myself, behind this idea that I'm incompetent.within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to therefor compare myself to women, and to my partner as incompetent, to where I want to beat her within my perception of "attractiveness" "intellect", "good person". Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to have defined myself as these things, and then when faced with seeing that my partner expresses herself, or has relationships with people that I see I've mostly been afraid of having, I then get angry and have conflict towards her, due to being angry within myself, as "feeling incompetent".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to want to protect my partner, from males who I see as "better than me", because I understand within myself, that I've created this comparison point towards women, and males, to the point where I want to OWN my partner, as wanting to keep her enslaved and limited in her expression, because I have felt too incompetent with myself as a living expression. Thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have abused my partner in the past, through arguments, through manipulation, through being outrageous, because I have had this main point of feeling incompetent in relationship to my partner, and to other males that I see have more expressive characteristics.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel in ompetent towards my partner, because I've always limited myself from being in this idea that I'm "worse than, better than" my partner, and women or males, that I have instead of seeing the potential I have, within seeing how cool it is that others including my partner are able to express themselves through confidence and the ability to express skills that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully express myself within and as, that I rather go into conflict, and separation, and isolation from males and women, and my partner. Within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to have an attachment to my partner, within the idea of "love", because I have related love, to wanting to depend on someone emotionally, to suppress myself from facing myself, within what I've accepted and allowed within myself, and therefor seeing that within me having done this, I have validated incompetence of being able to express myself within my own skin, without having to emotionally depend on my partner, through touch, through manipulation, and within this, I see that I have therefor abused my partner, through arguments, through manipulation, and through wanting to limit herself from expressing herself as life, as the living expression that she is capable of expressing, but something that I've wanted to keep limited, because I have accepted and allowed myself to project my emotions through her, and therefor created a false relationship within myself in relationship to my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame myself for this, instead of working with this point as what it is, and what has already been. Within this, I see that this is a point that will take time to unfold, and recreate, and that I must embrace it, and change it, and understand that now I can discuss this with my partner, and continue investigating the point within myself, in order to stop the manipulation, to stop the set up for conflict and arguments, and to stop the accepted and allowed limitations within myself, and thus within the manifestation that is current within my relationship with my partner.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into fear, and go into panic mode, when I see that this has all been a facade, that I can no longer abuse my partner in the old ways I've accepted and allowed, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself, to instead of giving up the ego, which in this case, my comparison of competence, I rather go into isolation, or go into the old patterns with my partner, such as touching her out of suppression, within this "your mine" intent, and thus within this, I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manifest the fear of protecting her from other males, or protecting my own feeling of competence, through touching her, or laying down with her, or hugging her, or talking sweet to her, or looking at her in a "help me" state.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hold onto these experiences in my mind, and hold onto my partner in my mind, to such an extent, that it's created inner turmoil within myself, because I have created this such dependent point of living myself through her, to where I have validated this feeling of incompetence, and therefor within this, I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see how abusive this is, how abusive it is to have these warm feelings of emotions towards her, because in the end, I am willing to abuse her, JUST for the sake of having this security within myself, as "competent enough".

When and as I see myself around my partner, and get these experiences of conflict, within initially feeling incompetent, and therefor comparing myself to her, and the males I see having different characteristics, expressions, physical attributes, I stop, I breath, and I understand, that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value towards my partner, as this relationship of being in comparison, and that now, I see and realize that this must change, within starting to learn how I can express myself unconditionally by myself, and when around my partner, women, and other males, and thus within this, get to learn how others are capable of expressing themselves, including my partner, and thus seeing how human expression operates, how high of a level of expression my partner, and the males and women aroun her express themselves, and instea of comparing, learning from them, and also working with them within my expression, and expanding my understanding of my shit, and the shit I've limited myself within, and to start investigating an reflecting, where I can become more capable of my self expression

I commit myself to therefor start exposing the separation I've created from my partner in detail, through self investigation, and communicating with her, about where I can change my expression, into what's best for the agreement, and to where I am no longer using manipulation, saying things to feel better about myself and to put my partner down, and to rather learn what it means to pick up from my partners expression, and see where I can apply that to myself, and also even support her in living expression.

Laying out how I will communicate this with my partner:

I commit myself to sit down with my partner, and to open this point up to her, within the starting point of learning about her, and within this learning about myself in my limitations as self expression, and to then come to a better understanding of eachother, which with open up solutions to our communication, which will open up more points to investigate within myself.

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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 30 Nov 2015, 03:50

Day 11 - not knowing what to do - resistance
So yesterday, I faced a point, yes, just a point, but it was like I was about to deliberately place myself into a war zone, hell so to speak. I have had the tendency to prolong myself, prolong my process, by fearing facing myself, however, since this has been created, it must be recreated within different dimensions of this point, of fearing facing myself. So today I'll start on one point, which is the "not knowing what to do" personality.

When I have seen that I was having to push myself hard into doing something I really didn't want to do, or face, I allowed myself to self sabotage myself automatically within thinking that "I don't know what to do", which is really a reaction to the uncomfortable experience that I feel mentally, and physically, when stepping out of my comfort zone, and entering a state and opportunity of changing my existence as what I've accepted and allowed myself to become.

So the point that I was allowing to escalate, was the mental relationship that I had had with my partner, and what I had accepted and allowed as that entire relationship. So when I had seen there was much internal conflict within myself, I had went into this self sabotaging state of "not knowing what to do", simply because I accumulated the points within myself in relationship to her, and didn't allow myself before it got to an overwhelming state, to take a moment to look at where I was conflicted, and what I required letting go of, in order to change such relationship.

So these are points that will require being refaced, and so this will be a cool point to utilize, in order to recreate my ability in facing resistance, when it comes to certain relationships.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to self sabotage myself when facing a point, by telling myself "I don't know what to do".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make this statement to myself, and exist as this statement, because I've accepted and allowed myself to make excuses, that because I don't "feel" like facing myself when it is a practical moment to do so, I rather wait until this point escalates, and to where I only verify the point of "not knowing what to do" through relating that point to how I feel, perceive things.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the excuse to not direct myself within points, because of how I have faced them in the past, which is with my mind, instead of letting go of the idea that I can somehow fix those patterns with my mind, and breathing through the experience, and directing it with as much focus as possible, and also slowly stepping into what I require changing, through taking breaks, or going back to what is physically here, within stepping out of that's elf sabotaging experience/state of mind.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make the excuse that "I don't know hat to do", simply because of how the process of stepping into change is making me experience myself. Thus within this, when and as I see myself stepping into changing something, and start feeling this emotional experience, I stop, I breath, and I dissect the experience initially, within moving myself physically, and doing things that can walk myself out of the experience of "anxiety, irritation", and then on e stepped out of that point of conflict, reassessing what it is that I require facing, and then investigating, and recreating myself within the point.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think to myself "I don't know what to do" simply because I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my expression within facing myself, as basing my change off of "what I know" within and as how I've remained stable and confident within that knowledge pattern of who I am in relationship to myself, and therefor whatever that relates to my environment. Thus, when and as I see myself holding onto the patterns, experiences, within the knowledge point, I stop, I breath, and I slow down, and I walk through within the steps I've laid out within the previous commitment, but however understanding, that I cannot trust the previous patterns of myself, the limited knowledge, and that it must change, and I must recreate my acceptance and allowance of who I am, into something that is actually supportive, which meaning supportive for other people and myself, and not just what I THINK is supportive for me and others.

I commit myself to thus reface this point in relationship to agreements, and thus with also relationships with others who I experience conflict within myself which is really just a representation of resisting my acceptance and allowance to change, within the personality character of "I don't know what to do".

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Re: Nicks self forgiveness

Postby Nicklk1795 » 02 Dec 2015, 00:38

Day 12 - fear of the unknown, and not letting go
There was a point that I had remembered facing when with my partner. I had seen within myself, that I had much inner conflict, and I didn't know how to slow myself down, and I went into major anxiety, because the experience seemed as if I couldn't stop it. So a consequence occurred because of this, and after words I "felt" better, but it only time looped the point I was facing.

So what I've been experiencing ever since I experienced all of this - anxiety, conflict, the consequence - I've sort of "given up". I basically felt like I wasn't worthy to do what I was doing before, which was working on getting myself healthy, discovering myself in different relationships, setting goals and playing them out to get to a better position environmentally and financially, etc., and the reason for this, is because of the fear of the unknown, and the fear that I would face myself in the same point of conflict, anxiety, consequence, or maybe a different outcome.

So the point is, is if I see myself in another, and that conflict within myself arises, then what's holding me back from supporting myself, and being HERE with that other person/my partner, well, it's the unwillingness to let go, to accept that I've done, felt, thought things in the past towards my partner, and have built a false relationship with her within myself. It's the very reason why I had went into such inner conflict, anxiety, because it's as if I was trying to "fix" what has already been destroyed within myself, when not seeing, that I can't try and fix everything, it's just not going to happen, and I must let go - breath, be here, stop thinking, and know that points are inevitable, and I can't even fathom every single point at once, because it must be slowly released, and then recreated into that which is best for all/the relationship with her.

This has been the underlying factor of why I had decided to end the agreement, or postpone it again, because I was scared of the unknown, which now facing this consequence, because, it's like, yes, I can't practically support another if I'm still facing myself in everyday life and still have tendencies to get disoriented and overwhelmed, but, I have used this point of ending the agreement at the same time, as a sort of "hiding" from my shit from the inner conflict.

So what I'm facing now, is being self aware, that I have accepted and allowed these overwhelming situations to occur within myself, which not only with my partner, but in jobs, in being out in public. So I see that this has placed quite a scare within myself, to where I have isolated myself in my house, not really doing anything that moves the ball forward within my process, within my relationships, within my life, and it's like this "fear of what will happen", because I am simply afraid of the unknown, what I will experience, what conflict will arise, whether I'll be able to handle it, or if it'll place me into a point of hiding again, compromising something that could've been, compromising myself in opportunities.

What I see, is that this is when I really have to stand, because I cannot dwell on points of "what could've been" any further, I must look at what I know can be done, and I must simply apply myself practically, within the tools I know, and must work with what I can do from this point forward, within the principles of self honesty, and face myself without further judgement, and to utilize when I do judge myself, get angry at myself, and to work with the inner conflict, by supporting myself with breath, with letting go, and get the ball moving, while knowing that I cannot control everything, and thus accept the unknown, and face it in due time.

Self forgiveness will continue in part 2.

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