Ben Wier's Self-Forgiveness

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Robert-Ben Wier
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Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:45

Ben Wier's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Robert-Ben Wier »

Hi, I’m Ben. And I was one of the first people to find Desteni, way back in 2007. Over the years I’ve tagged along with Desteni, going in and out of phases where I participated more openly, or went into periods of paranoia and isolation. But over it all, I’ve pretty much always been hanging around Desteni, at least in secret / in the background. And in this post, I’m going to be talking about my experience with Desteni, which has become a 'worst case scenario,' in regards to how, even though, over the years, I put in alot of time and effort into vlogging and blogging and also writing for myself privately, but that, despite all of this, none of it has changed me, really, at all.

Just recently, even, I was looking through some of my first private writings, or my ‘diaries,’ so to speak, from 2008, and it’s shocking to see that I’m still experiencing basically the exact same things that I did all those years ago. And some of these points of reaction that I have, for example, about my father, in getting angry at him, I have probably accumulated around a hundred or two hundred pages of self-forgiveness and self-corrective statements in total, just about him, and just about my being angry with him. Yet, after all of that, I’m still reacting pretty much just exactly the same, for one example.

So, in my time with Desteni, it would perhaps seem that I’ve made a great effort in ‘trying really hard.’ And this has definitely been something that I’ve experienced, like, in how, after spending so long working on something related to Desteni, like, after spending an entire day recording and re-recording a vlog, or writing and re-writing a blog, that, once I’m finished or almost finished with the work, I will sit back, look at what I’ve made, and feel, basically: “Fuck. C’mon. This is shit. This heap of words doesn’t mean anything. This isn’t going to change my life! How the fucking hell could I put everything that I’ve got into this, and yet it seems so meaningless!? How the fuck could I fucking ruin everything I touch? How could this possibly fucking happen!? -I can even remember a situation where I deleted a thirty page document I had made for DIP, and re-wrote it all, in feeling like ‘I don’t know how I fucked that up, but this time, if I just try a little harder, then certainly it will work out and feel meaningful.’ -And also, it’s not like this has happened in everything that I’ve done; there have been some ‘projects’ I’ve put together that I was quite satisfied with, but mostly, and especially in the more recent several years, this has been my overarching experience, this frustration and hopelessness.

So, I should also clarify that, with these bursts of, I guess, desperation in writing and vlogging, there are also long lapses where I will do nothing / chronic procrastination. So, just not to portray myself as a diligent worker. Because that’s really a significant distinction to make. Because maybe, if I had been consistent, disciplined, and practical about the time, duration, and frequency that I my did my self-forgiveness and everything, and had not, just, like, constantly funneled and compressing it all into short periods of time that punctuated a fundamental lifestyle of indolence and indulgence- then maybe it would not be possible to write as much self-forgiveness as I have without changing; maybe I would have caught onto the game of my system and short circuited it, if I had just been consistent and practical about the way I went about doing it.

So, to a certain extent, the fact that this experience started to keep coming up so often and so consistently in my writing and vlogging was something that caught me by surprise, because I have felt, since finding Desteni, that I had already demonstrated my aptitude as an elite type of human, in terms of natural insight and ability, and I felt that just because I could more or less understand the Desteni material, and did not abjectly reject it, that this was proof in itself that, basically, no matter what, if I just took enough time and made enough effort to really look closely at my writing, observations, and conclusions, that it would be pretty much impossible for me to not be successful in my application. Although, with this, there was actually also a secret dread / a fear that came up sometimes, a fear that something like what has happened would happen: a fear that I would just not make the cut / that I was just not good enough / that I would just not do it / that I couldn’t control it / that I would delude myself into a point where I really became unable to help myself. So, the situation that I’m in now is really like ‘my worst nightmare,’ although, not to dramatize the point, because I’ve also done alot of ‘dramatizing’ or ‘glamorizing’ my relationship-oriented emotional reactions like that, as if they were significant, or special, or the harbingers of some higher fate, and that has been about as helpful in the long run as my self-forgiveness. Because, even though I might feel all fucked up or, I don’t know, like a romanticization of my feelings related to failure- it just doesn’t mean anything. Like, life isn’t a story that automatically will include a plot-resolution when dramatic points of conflict arise. Sometimes I just fucked myself up with reactions and everything kept moving without me.

So, in all of this apparent ‘genuine effort’ that I’ve done, I can really see, and pretty obviously, that, even in periods of time where I was experiencing alot of anxiety and fear and guilt and other such emotional possessions that made things alot harder, my ‘genuine effort’ is only ‘genuine’ to a certain point that is related to my public image, and that this ‘genuine effort’ has never been something actually genuine, has never been something that I cared about enough to seriously apply in my private life. For example, I especially remember in a period of time where I was doing lots of Vlogging, that for awhile it became my perogative to, like, continually expose and share more and more taboo or shocking details about my personal life, for the purpose of validating to myself the idea that: ‘yes, I am really challenging my fears.’ But this is like... really such a superficial thing, in that context. Because I’m not really challenging or changing myself in all areas of my life, just in certain ones related to public image. So it’s just an idea that I’m acting out and making a show of, which is based in desires, as well as fears. And I pretty damn well was aware of this, that this show I was putting on wasn’t self-honest, and so this was really the first context in where I developed a loathing and frustration to my work with Desteni.

But then, later on, there have also even been times where, ‘for all intents and purposes,’ the actual focus of my writing would be legit, would not even be superficial by it’s own merit, but where I would still complete an application and go ‘what the fuck... this is shit.’ Like, for example, oftentimes when I was writing about my conflicts about my family. That’s actually something relevant about my life that I really could support myself with self-forgiveness, so I can’t even say that the context or the focus of my writing was invalid there. But still, this is almost a worse situation to be in, because now it’s more like I don’t even know why this isn’t working, whereas before, the superficiality and self-compromise was more clear cut and apparent. But I would still ‘know’ that my application / my self-forgiveness wasn’t going to change anything, wasn’t going to have any effect, despite all the appearances that I had painstakingly crafted to make it look and sound as legit as possible. Because I would look at my work and say ‘this sounds like shit / this sounds meaningless,’ and so would redo it, and redo it, and redo it.

But in both these contexts, and especially in the second one, the ‘reason’ why my self-forgiveness isn’t doing anything, is because I’m not doing anything with it in myself. It’s meaningless because that’s how I have made it: ineffectual. Because there is just too much self-judgment for me to dare to be sincere about self-forgiveness in myself, as well as all the additional judgments that I’ve described about my self-forgiveness sounding insincere. Self-judgment and fear and embarrassment is an extremely central point to why all my efforts have been for naught. So, in my self-forgiveness, it’s like ‘I’m just saying it,’ but when I’m done saying it, it has no further value or meaning to me, because that’s my starting point: just doing it to do it, but not doing it to live it. So, regardless of what I actually say in the self-forgiveness, even if the points of focus are really relevant in themselves, my application really does becomes meaningless in real life, because I’m not for real or sincere about the commitment, because I have just too much judgments and fears and, also, quite frankly, just ego, in the way to do that, like I said. Since the beginning of my participation with Desteni, I’ve always found self-forgiveness to be something that is nieve and foolish, or, that’s how I felt others would disparage / mock me about it, if they saw me doing self-forgiveness. So, the way I approached this fear in myself was to kind of ‘take a step back’ and be like, ‘okay, I’ll do self-forgiveness because that’s the rule, and I’ll follow the rules, but this isn’t my thing.’ -a point of my refusing to compromise my apparent ‘integrity and independence’ by ‘believing’ in something that ‘isn’t mine,’ or that my friends would have mocked. So, this seemingly ‘harmless, reasonable skepticism’ is actually a form of self-dishonesty in that I actually do see where self-forgiveness would take me if I applied it sincerely or conscientiously, and I don’t want to go there because it’s just too embarrassing and frightening.

And in regards to that, I have also, I should mentions, gone through a period of time where I tried to present myself as, and become, like, ‘an embarrassing person,’ like ‘childish,’ or ‘nieve.’ This is somewhat of a similar thing as what I was describing above with my presenting myself as ‘a shocking or taboo person’: It’s like I’m trying to become the social representation of those experiences towards others that I’m resisting, am afraid of, and am embarrassed about, for the purpose of being validated by others in the context of those experiences, that I don’t have to really experience them ‘as much or as badly.’ So, it’s like, instead of just pushing through fear and embarrassment for myself, I refuse, and I insist on being validated, or coddled, through those experiences, first, before I will consider going into that. It’s like a game of... trying to convince myself that I’m really care about changing myself, but only if I don’t have to, I guess, really do it.

So, all in all, the keyword here is ‘sincerity,’ in regards to my relationship with my writing and my self-forgiveness: am I sincere about investigating how to change myself? And so far, over all this time, frankly, I have undoubtedly proven that: no, I’m not. I mean, in so many ways, and from many different dimensions. And now that it’s all over... I wish that I had had what it took, that I had given myself what it took, to push through the points when I first faced them and hid myself behind pretenses. I mean, that really would have made my life so much better, and so much SIMPLER, if I had just done it. But what’s cool is that I actually still kind of have a chance to give sincerity to myself, in just being self-honest about who I am and what I am doing in each moment, and using breathing, and then moving myself to act and live in the way which is practically and common-sensically the most simple and direct to really challenge the points that characterize my life.



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Anna
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Re: Ben Wier's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Anna »

Thanks for sharing Ben.

A point to consider here is that the reason why you aren't changing, isn't because there is too much fear and self-judgment. The reason why you are not changing, is because YOU are not CHANGING YOU. See - change is only possible when we practically direct ourselves to change, which is for example the application of stopping participation in thoughts/backchat/reactions after having walked the point through in self-forgiveness bringing oneself to a self-honest understanding of how and why one created the thoughts and within that take self-responsibility. So the only reason why we don't change - even after we see - is because we don't want to change. However - this doesn't mean that we cannot change our starting-point and make a decision to become sincere and push ourselves to change. So realize that the point of there being 'too much fear and judgment' is actually an excuse to not change, it's a justification for not changing, a 'legit' reason that the mind comes up with. But as long as we are here breathing, there's an opportunity for us to change. All it takes is to make the decision and apply ourselves accordingly.

I have walked for a long time in my process experiencing similar experiences to what you're describing and what I've found is that it wasn't until I actively started stopping my self-judgments and realized that self-judgment is simply another mind-fuck, that I started changing myself. Self-forgiveness is merely a preparatory application where we're 'clearing the water' and bringing ourselves to a point of self-honesty - from there it is vital to actually direct oneself to change practically which is the application of taking self-responsibility. Otherwise as you have seen, the self-forgiveness is in vain and not actually a sincere decision to change.

So I would suggest that this is the point to depart from: to make a decision to change your starting-point and to realize that stopping self-judgments is a vital part of that change.



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Bella
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Re: Ben Wier's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Bella »

Anna wrote:Thanks for sharing Ben.

A point to consider here is that the reason why you aren't changing, isn't because there is too much fear and self-judgment. The reason why you are not changing, is because YOU are not CHANGING YOU. See - change is only possible when we practically direct ourselves to change, which is for example the application of stopping participation in thoughts/backchat/reactions after having walked the point through in self-forgiveness bringing oneself to a self-honest understanding of how and why one created the thoughts and within that take self-responsibility. So the only reason why we don't change - even after we see - is because we don't want to change. However - this doesn't mean that we cannot change our starting-point and make a decision to become sincere and push ourselves to change. So realize that the point of there being 'too much fear and judgment' is actually an excuse to not change, it's a justification for not changing, a 'legit' reason that the mind comes up with. But as long as we are here breathing, there's an opportunity for us to change. All it takes is to make the decision and apply ourselves accordingly.

I have walked for a long time in my process experiencing similar experiences to what you're describing and what I've found is that it wasn't until I actively started stopping my self-judgments and realized that self-judgment is simply another mind-fuck, that I started changing myself. Self-forgiveness is merely a preparatory application where we're 'clearing the water' and bringing ourselves to a point of self-honesty - from there it is vital to actually direct oneself to change practically which is the application of taking self-responsibility. Otherwise as you have seen, the self-forgiveness is in vain and not actually a sincere decision to change.

So I would suggest that this is the point to depart from: to make a decision to change your starting-point and to realize that stopping self-judgments is a vital part of that change.

Cool support Anna, thanks for sharing!



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Robert-Ben Wier
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Re: Ben Wier's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Robert-Ben Wier »

Hi Anna, thanks for the perspective and support

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise my application of myself in my day to day living by excusing, justifying, and avoiding / distracting myself from / entertaining away / suppressing the reactions and movements in myself that I don’t want to take responsibility for as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to compromise my self-forgiveness by claiming that I don’t understand, but really it is that I don’t want to take responsibility for judgments I have made about myself and others, and that I want to continue existing in a superiority-relationship with, and that I fear to exist in an inferiority-relationship with.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react about common sense and self-responsibility in self-honesty, instead of seeing and realizing the reality of how I actually do have a choice of what my starting point and dedication is going to be in relation to my life and what I accept and allow in myself in each moment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to dedicate myself to ego, justifications, reactions, inferiority, and fears, instead of taking responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing to exist as myself by pushing myself to really breathe, to really stop participating, and test out what is possible to assist and support myself to in fact stop and change.

I forgive myself for not consistently / daily using writing to self-honestly investigate and identify points where I am reacting, so that I can really stop and change myself, but instead, using writing to pursue an ideal of ‘understanding’ that will still allow me to remain the way I am.

-

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not want to push myself to change my lifestyle to self-honest self-investigation with self-application as self-change.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to excuse and justify my decision to not change myself, and not change my living accordingly, by blaming emotions, reactions, and self-judgments I have about myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my life-experience / my reactions for my experience of myself, in saying ‘I can’t do this, it’s too much, I need to wait until it’s easier.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest, in saying to myself and believing ‘this is too much, there is nothing I can do about this,’ when I am facing a point in myself that I have an opportunity to correct my starting-point and commitment towards, but that I don’t like how that feels and don’t want to.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be self-dishonest, in saying to myself and believing ‘I need to wait until this is easier before I do it,’ when really, ‘waiting until it’s easier so I can be more effective’ is just a statement of “I don’t want to do this, I want to do something else.”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate myself in seeing / saying things are ‘too difficult,’ when really, in saying that, I have already made the decision that I will not give up ego and what I want for the sake of pushing through the point.

I commit myself to change my starting point in myself, towards myself, and towards my world, from one of ‘shit this is too fucking hard / I can’t take this right now / I shouldn’t have to go through this / I need to wait until it’s easier / I can‘t stop until I understand more’ to taking responsibility for what exists as me by being self-honest in seeing the things that I really do only have to make a decision about doing, and then doing it, and seeing where and how I, instead, manipulate myself into justifying and giving up.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge, react, and give up without considering how I might be able to stop the development of the point as myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the big reactions I’m having as the problem, when the problem is really that I haven’t been self-honest about how I created those big reactions in the first place through accepting and allowing thoughts / beliefs / opinions / judgments / smaller reactions to accumulate over time, while never stepping in and taking responsibility for what I am accepting and allowing to exist as myself in each moment.

I commit myself to use writing as an application of my commitment to investigate, and flag / identify where it is in my life that I am having or accepting and allowing judgmental thoughts and reactions towards myself and others, in over-reacting about things that are only important in the context of my own, personalized interpretation and belief of status / inferiority and superiority.

I commit myself, after having identified and written self-forgiveness on a point where I see that I am judging myself, to actually then step in and stop myself from accepting and allowing myself from continuing with that point, by, instead of justifying / ignoring the point, or, even worse, judging the point, to bring my self-application back to breathing and my commitment to really dig in my heels and really stop.

I commit myself to be specific in my self-investigation and self-forgiveness, so that I become familiar with when and where the self-judgmental thoughts / reactions come up, so that, in the moments where they do come up, I will then have given myself a clear-as-day placement of ‘okay, this is where I breathe and live my commitment to really stop this as myself.’

I commit myself to use my writing to help train myself to just, simply, see where and how the reactions come up, so that I can preemptively then establish my commitment to stop and eventually change the points, so that, instead of being about my ‘perpetually searching for understanding,’ my writing just becomes about simply seeing what is here as myself, not judging myself for it, and then taking responsibility for myself as it by applying myself and living myself in common sense, where I can then just self-honestly see: ‘okay, this is commitment and stopping, and this is judgment, excuses, and participation.’

I realize that I can’t immediately ‘know how’ to stop, but that, if I am serious / sincere / self-honest in my forgiveness and commitments, that that ‘how’ will probably be self-apparent in the moments where I see the point coming up, in that I will have a moment where there really is a choice about what I’m going to accept and allow as myself.

I realize that self-change will probably turn out to be no harder than just making a decision to breathe, instead of running around with crazy mental stuff inside myself.

I realize that, once I have run around with some ‘crazy mental stuff,’ and have become ‘a smouldering heap’ inside myself, that this has happened because of my acceptances and allowances, and not because I am a victim of outside forces ‘beyond my ability to understand or control.’

-

I realize that the purpose of self-forgiveness isn’t to ‘hopefully change me on it’s own.’

I realize that I have to say it, mean it, and then live it, that the purpose of self-forgiveness is to expand that opportunity / that moment of seeing how and where I need to step in, stop, and change myself.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to manipulate self-investigation, into becoming a point of speculation with not much or really any self-commitment or self-responsibility.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to decide that I will not commit myself to self-honestly stopping my participation in reactions / thoughts / justifications / judgments.

I commit myself to stop myself from continuing to participate in moments of self-compromise and self-judgment and self-justification / excusing by changing my living from constantly ‘spacing out’ in my mind, to self-awareness here as breathing- so that, in each moment, I check: Am I taking responsibility for what is here as me?

I commit myself to make each breath a moment where I give myself the opportunity to dig in my heels and say ‘til here no further,’ and really stop myself from continuing to participate with the patterns / reactions / trains of thought that I really, actually, DO know and understand where it leads.




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Ann
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Re: Ben Wier's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Ann »

Cool:)

And yes, you can and will only change when you direct yourself to do so, and do it for yourself and not to prove anything.



Maya
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Re: Ben Wier's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Maya »

Very cool self support Ben



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Robert-Ben Wier
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Re: Ben Wier's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Robert-Ben Wier »

thanks guys

--

Last week I went to a job interview, and, at ‘the last minute,’ as it seemed, I got really anxious, and looked really bad, and was chewed up and spit out by the manager. -I mean, I wouldn’t have hired myself if I was running a business, and I had me show up as an applicant in such a state.

So here, I’m going to be writing self-forgiveness on the specific beliefs, definitions, thoughts, and reactions that came up prior to and during the interview, which accumulated into this experience of anxiety.

And the first point I remember is that, as I was sitting in the lobby, waiting for the manager to arrive for the interview, I had had enough time to do some studying. And in that, I was quite comfortable, and even felt like I was confident enough so that I was going to do a good job in the interview, that I was going to come across well.

And so there is, like, this point of separation, in developing a ‘good feeling’ around ‘being seen as someone who is organized, capable, and smart,’ in studying. I remember even hoping and thinking for the manager to actually see and take interest in what I was studying, because I was studying Chinese and math, and those topics are generally seen as ‘something that only a very smart person would study.’

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to suppress and separate myself from my fear of ‘being seen as weird or creepy’ in the lobby of the restaurant, with an idea and feeling of me being seen as ‘very smart’ and ‘impressive’ because of my studying Chinese and math.s

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to associate a feeling of superiority and specialness with my studies, because they are things that frustrate and intimidate many people.

I realize that my having a patience in studying Chinese and math doesn’t really make me better than other people, and that, even if it did, that my creating this feeling of superiority about it is beside the point, and just delusional, and actually abusive in the longterm.

I commit myself, the next time I am in a social situation where studying is involved, to not hide and suppress myself in the idea and feeling of ‘me being a special and smart person.’

I commit myself to instead instead remain ‘open’ with myself, in being self-honest about what I am really experiencing, so that I can see the thoughts and self-judgments that are coming up, and can give myself the opportunity to really take self-responsibility for those thoughts / reactions / self-judgments, by just remaining here with myself as breathing as a lived application of the commitment to stopp my acceptance, allowance, and participation with the thoughts / judgments and reactions.

I realize that, at least at first, and for awhile, I am still going to have reactions, and especially thoughts, come up in social situations, where I will ‘see myself in my mind as though I am the others, and as though I, as these others, are reacting to me, in seeing me as a loser / a freak.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in my mind ‘through the eyes of others,’ as if I am a loser or a freak.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself ‘through the eyes of others’ in my mind / my imagination, for literally just sitting at a table while waiting, in thinking that I would be seen as ‘a socially incompetent loner.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing a thought to come up in me, while I am sitting in the lobby, that the staff will see me as a loser / as weak / as less-than, because I am sitting alone.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for other’s perhaps seeing or feeling that I am worthless because I am not fun to be around, because I am unconfident and a killjoy.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and fear that guys and girls my age will inevitably see me as peculiar / strange / developmentally inhibited, because they have socialized more thoroughly and effectively than me.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate myself as thoughts and reactions of self-judgment, in thinking that, ‘if my social life hadn’t fallen apart, I would be confident and smooth too.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame the context of my life experience for my acceptances and allowances of self-judgment and comparison, inferiority and desire.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not having friends.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for not having the right clothes.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for being too short for my age.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for never having ever had any female friends or girlfriends.

The next time I have self-judgmental thoughts come up in me in a social situation, where I see / imagine other people thinking and feeling that I am a freak / a loser because I am alone, I commit myself to remain within my commitment to stop participation in breathing, and just not continuing to believe in and go into the thoughts as reactions.

The next time I am reacting as fear in a social situation, I commit myself to realize that this reaction has developed from my accepting and allowing myself to participate with self-judgmental thoughts, and I commit myself to not judge myself for being afraid, and to not try and suppress the fear with forms of superiority, but to just remain here as breathing with myself and with the fear, with also committing myself to not, then, continue accepting and allowing participation with more self-judgmental thoughts.

I realize that, in going into an idea and feeling of ‘myself being special and smart,’ that I am actually suppressing, in self-dishonesty, what is actually going on in me as thoughts, fears, and judgments.

I realize that, in going into an idea and feeling of ‘myself being special and smart,’ I am actually accepting and allowing myself as self-judgment.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify going into an idea and feeling of ‘myself being special and smart,’ with the thoughts of ‘oh fuck, I am afraid’ / ‘oh fuck, there is nothing I can do about this’ / ‘its too late’ / ‘I need to use whatever means is necessary, right now, to make myself feel better so that I don‘t fuck up in anxiety.’

I realize that, in going into the point of ‘it is too late,’ I am actually accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for a reaction that exists because I have already accepted and allowed myself to judge myself in, and react with / as, the initial thoughts where I ‘judged myself through the eyes of others.’

-

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to desire for a particular outcome to result from my applying for a job, where I imagine and want others to see me as confidant and brilliant and likable.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to develop an idea, fantasy, desire and expectation for ‘what I am going to be like at the job interview,’ and for ‘how I am going to experience myself in relation to other people at the job interview,’ in believing that, just because I have decided to motivate myself to go out and do this, that everything from there, the years of thoughts, beliefs, and reactions, are going to fall into place accordingly as a reward for my ‘courage.’

I forgive myself for having accepted and allowed myself to only have the ‘courage’ to go out into situations that I fear, and only so from a starting point of desire and hope for a particular outcome and experience of myself in relation to other people, but then, to not have the real-courage that is really required to actually and consistently, in each moment, take self-responsibility for, stop, and change the years of habitual, patterned thoughts / self-judgments and reactions / fears, with also suppression and protection mechanisms like superiority.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to myself to believe and develop an expectation / hope / desire that ‘courage,’ as desires and motivation in relationship to fear, will be a really great, fun, and enjoyable experience, in having my desires and fantasies fulfilled.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself in relation to my fears, and, through that victimization, expect / desire a reward, as enjoyable experiences as the fulfillment of my desires and fantasies, through ‘going out and doing things that I am scarred of,’ but without, in that, being willing to take responsibility for myself in each moment unconditionally, even if it is not a fun or enjoyable experience, but instead turns out to be something that feels impossible / pointless / overwhelming / unrewarding / unfair.

I realize that, in my having developed, in the hours prior to the job interview, the experience and perception that breathing, self-awareness, and self-responsibility as stopping my participation with thoughts / desires / fantasies / self-judgments- is pointless, unfair, unrewarding, that this indicates that my starting point in self-forgiveness was not real, in really committing myself to take self-responsibility, but that I instead created ideas of desired experiences and fantasies related to breathing, so that, when I am faced with real responsibility, I just give up and go back into thoughts, fantasies, desires, expectations, judgments, reactions, and fear.

I realize that changing myself as the extent of deliberately accepted and allowed thinking, self-judgments, reactions, and fear requires me to take self-responsibility in every moment, and that this is quite a different process than my merely being courageous in relation to my fears from a starting point of fantasy / desire to be, basically, confident / liked / popular.

-

I forgive myself for, while sitting in the restaurant lobby, accepting and allowing thoughts to come up that the staff will see me as awkward, self-judgmental, and afraid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself in the thought that others might see me as weak, awkward, and afraid.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that others will have negative thoughts about me, in seeing me as weak / helpless, and afraid and awkward.

I commit myself, when I’m in a situation where I feel that others might be judging or criticizing me for being / appearing helpless / weak, and awkward / afraid, to realize that this fear is the result of a relationship that I have continuously developed with myself as acceptances and allowances as beliefs, definitions, and past experiences- and that it is not really about my self-worth in relation to or in comparison to others; I realize that this construct-dynamic is really about my relationship with myself as acceptances and allowances as beliefs, definitions, judgments, and reactions.

I realize that, in going to apply for a job, I am just doing what everyone has to do to secure their livlihood in the world, and that it’s not really a measure of my worth and value in comparison to others.

I realize that while there are people in the world who are more directive than me, with not having accepted or allowed themselves to develop such an extensive relationship with self-judgment / thoughts and reactions / fears, and that there are many people in the world who are much more secure / confident / expressive than me in socializing with others, that this doesn’t mean that I should or have to go into thoughts of comparison and self-judgment with reactions of fear and inferiority about that, in moments where I could instead be assisting and supporting myself to stop accepting and allowing these thoughts / self-judgment and reactions / fears to have authority over myself.



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Robert-Ben Wier
Posts: 28
Joined: 14 Jun 2011, 22:45

Re: Ben Wier's Self-Forgiveness

Post by Robert-Ben Wier »

I let the dogs out this morning. It’s 3:50am. I was worried that my male might start barking while he was outside. It’s like him to bark at anything and everything when he’s outside, and his bark is very loud, and it might wake up my father. But he hadn’t been outside to pee all night, and so I let him out. And I ended up deciding to even stand outside with him as he peed, so that, if he started making noise, I could shut him up immediately. But I stopped paying attention to him after a short time, like an attention-span problem, and went into thoughts about various stuff. Suddenly, and sure enough, Sanchez loosed two of his muscular barks, and I was like “Shit!” -I hoped that my dad would only be mildly disturbed, and would roll over and just sleep through it, maybe without even really noticing or registering the noise. I decided that this is what he would probably do, because I myself have been sleeping through my fog-horn alarm clock recently.

A few minutes later, I had gotten the dogs back in the house, and was sitting at my computer. Suddenly I heard my father’s voice behind me, intensely concerned, confused, afraid, and almost angry. He asked me:

“Was Sanchez barking at something Ben?”

He was completely awake.

I noticed that I was suddenly becoming extremely agitated towards him. Like, I had actually been pretty calm all the night prior, but here, suddenly, there was this anger rising up in me.

My father often goes into this paranoia reaction when Sanchez barks. And I have reacted before to how, when he experiences this gripping fear in himself, he comes to me, and, like, puts the point onto me. Like it is all my fault already, somehow. Or at least, that is how I feel about the situation. Because in bringing his fear to me, and putting me in a position where I have to calm him down, I see a potential for that ‘intensity’ in his fear to ignite into an anger-explosion, which he may, now, associate onto me, and maybe even yell at / scream at or hit me, although that has never happened in this context.

But nonetheless, that is my experience: that my safety is being threatened because my dad can’t control his emotions / his paranoia, and places himself in relation to the reactions in such a way that he directs it towards me. And so I was really suddenly quite angry.

“Yea Dad, it’s fine.”

I retorted belittlingly, after restraining a desire to ignore him provocatively.

“I just let the dogs out.”

I finished, driving the criticism home, implying: ‘I can’t even let my dogs pee without having to exist in fear of your psycho crap.’

My dad didn’t say anything, and went outside to check.

-So, there is this experience of anger towards my father, which is basically about this feeling that ‘my dad is fucking up my life.’

-And, I mean, his reaction was just kind of a ‘little thing,’ or, like: ‘just kind of a little problem that my dad has,’ but I was really, very angry. Like, even, in myself, going as far as wanting to yell at him.

So, in general, my father’s paranoia about being robbed or murdered has recently seemed to be getting worse. On one evening earlier in the month I was outside doing something in the garage, and my father heard me, and again went into that paranoia / that gripping fear of ‘Oh my fucking god, somebody’s out there and intends to hurt me!’ -because when I was done in the garage, and had opened the front door to come back into the house, I had been quite surprised to see my dad kind of in a hidden position behind the doorway, peering around with his head, with his cellphone held against his ear. He had been preparing to call the police.

My dad will often watch one to three mainstream, Hollywood movies on the weekends. His preferred genre is masculine action-thriller, and in what I have seen of such movies, there is frequently utilized depictions of extreme fear and violence of this exact sort that my father seems to be imagining and then immediately taking to a point of “this is really happening”: robbers / secrets / plots / espionage / guns / shootings / killings / torture / dehumanization of ‘ordinary citizens’ / shocking, violent events that suddenly and unexpectedly will turn an ‘okay situation’ into ‘a desperate struggle for life.’

So, in having this problem where I will become very angry / enraged towards my father when I feel like ‘my safety is threatened,’ I’m going to do some self-forgiveness, and redefine and reconsider my approach to my father in this context and in general:

--

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to make an association between my father’s fear / anger and an experience of myself being afraid / terrified / helpless / hopeless / victimized.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my father, that, in a moment, he ‘makes me’ feel afraid of being yelled at / screamed at / hit.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to blame my father for my experience of fear, so that, with, then, also having that accepted and allowed hate, having a desire come up in me to attack him / yell at him / scream at him / hit him.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate me from myself, as my responsibility for myself as this experience of fear and anger related towards my father, to such an extent that even in situations like this where my father is not really being violent to me, I experience an urge / a desire to be violent.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create an automated reactive-association between ‘fear for my safety’ and ‘anger as a desire to be violent’ that is not based on an actual reality-assessment, but is only based on how I feel in a given moment, where I become afraid of a perceived threat, and then I go into anger about ‘the audacity that my father / that someone would dare to make me feel that way.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become a potentially violent ego, where I take ‘being made to feel afraid / feel bad’ personally, and can potentially ‘go mad,’ and become absolutely abusive towards others.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to justify, in myself, an experience of anger-explosion / going mad / becoming enraged, because ‘it is a natural way to feel when someone makes me feel that way.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to indulge in an experience of anger-explosion / violent impulses / going mad / becoming enraged, because, in a moment, it feels good, feels like I am in control, feels like my life is not worthless / not helpless.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like it’s cool that I have this violent streak in me, when really, it is not cool at all, and is not at all an expression of ‘me standing up for myself,’ because really, I’m not in control of the emotions, I can’t trust myself with the emotions, they are in control of me, and they exist based in an egotistical context, where I will lash out blindly at others for my experience of myself, without feeling like I’m ‘blind,’ because I’m reacting based on feelings that I’m experiencing- of self-worth / self-worthlessness, blame, and control / superiority- that feel real because I have developed them in the context of my life / my history.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become angry and agitated towards my father, that he is not taking control of his emotions / his fear, but is indulging in the point of ‘I feel this way, therefore it must be real, therefore I have to check the yard and garage / have to act on my feelings so that I can feel in control.’

I forgive myself for not realizing that, in my accepting and allowing myself to experience this point of anger towards my father, I am really blaming him for ‘ruining my life,’ when what has actually ‘ruined my life,’ was me, in my accepting and allowing this exact same point of not taking responsibility for my emotions, and indulging in the exact same point of ‘I feel this way, therefore it must be real, therefore I have to live out and act on my feelings so that I can end up feeling good / feel in control.’

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live and participate in the point of ego, as the belief / statement / decision that: ‘my experience of myself must be real, and must be from what I base my living-participation,’ even to the extent where I will justify attacking or abusing another because, in a moment, its feels like I am asserting my self-worth and self-value.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to live self-worth and self-value as self-interest / as ego / as abuse / as abusive constructs.

--

I realize that my father has developed a problem / problems throughout his life that is expressing itself now as a gripping fear and paranoia that comes up when he suddenly develops the idea that ‘maybe, probably, someone is out there.’
I realize that my father’s fear-reaction / paranoia is not a ‘personal affront;’ it is not my Dad ‘seeking to undermine my life / my self-worth / my safety’ -I realize that it is really paranoid, as well as egotistical, for me to exist as if under the assumption that my Dad’s fears / paranoias are directly related to me / have anything to do with me as who I am in my standing / in my self-responsibility / in my self-consideration / in my acceptances and allowances / in my relationship with myself and my world in my life.

I commit myself to realize and be aware that noises at night might trigger my father into a fear-reaction, or maybe even an anger and irritation at being woken up.

I commit myself to realize that, because this is the way my father is, that it is sometimes just going to be more stable and practical for me to make an effort to be quiet at night, and that, again, this is not a ‘personal affront’ or a ‘personal compromise,’ that I have to ‘go out of my way a little bit’ because of someone else, and I realize that, if in ‘making an effort to stay quiet,’ I am afraid of my father potentially becoming angry, that this is, again, not a justification for blame, and that, if I am afraid, I have the means to support myself in fear, and so it is my responsibility as well, and so does not justify resentment and anger towards my father.

I realize that resenting and being angry at my father for having to stay quiet- is obviously egotistical and self-manipulative.

I realize that I could, for example, bring up with my dad, and talk to him about how I’ve noticed that he has become increasingly paranoid about being robbed or murdered, and about how this point is uncomfortable for me.

I realize that I could also, for example, mention that I suspect my dad’s reactions towards violence / robberies / noises in the night is being exacerbated by the movies he’s watching, and could suggest to my Dad that he shouldn’t watch so many violent movies for awhile.

I realize that I could also, for example, clarify and explain to my dad that Sanchez is just a barky dog, and that, if he hears or sees or hears anything outside that he finds in any way interesting, exciting, or unusual, he is going to bark at it, and that this doesn’t indicate a robbery.

I realize that there are things that I could have considered to do to support my dad and myself by stabilizing this point somewhat, that I haven’t been doing that because, instead, when I see my dad reacting, I am internally blaming him for my agitation that he is not taking responsibility for / is indulging in his reactions, and / or am blaming him for my fear that his fear will become aggressive towards me.

I commit myself to consider and support my father in his fear / paranoia to the extent that is possible, and as I would like to be supported if I was him, and I commit myself to STOP blaming my reactions to my father’s fear / paranoia onto him in ego and justification as an abdication of self-responsibility.

I realize that, when my father goes into fear / paranoia, I will justify and validate my ego, self-abdication, and blame, by going into ‘shit talking’ about my father in my mind.

I realize that this shit-talking is not ‘harmless,’ is not ‘innocent’- it is actually me deliberately manipulating myself to validate blame and anger towards my father so that I don’t have to realize or take responsibility for what I have actually created in myself as fear and ego in relation to my father.

So, the next time my father goes into this reaction, I commit myself to realize that this is a specific point where I can now step in and live my commitments and change myself, and so I commit myself to stop backchat and shit-talking in my secret.

I realize, as well, that my father, in his reaction, might ask or demand that I get involved in bringing him to a point of ‘relief,’ and I realize that, especially if I am not 100% stable in stopping my reactions and backchat, that I might not be able to avoid complying with that point without the context becoming more conflictual, so, I commit myself in such a situation, if I can’t turn my father down in self-stability, to just oblige him, and to, in that, focus on my self-responsibility in stopping blame and backchat as self-manipulation and ego.



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