Luka's Writings

[Luka]

http://lukaprocess.blogspot.com/

[Maya]

Hi Luka, welcome to the forum.
I read your introduction on your blog post. i suggest to post the writings also here for the Sponsorship committee to have better review on your sponsorship application.
Enjoy the ride!

[Anna]

Hi Luka. Awesome that you are here. Yes - definitely suggest to post your writings on the forum for support and perspectives, for others to be supported by as well.

Enjoy!

[Luka]

Week #1:

Introduction

Hi everybody,
My name is Luka, I am 23 years old and I come from Slovenia, a small country in the heart of Europe. I am a student of Computer and Information science, but currently I am pausing my study, because I have a medical problem (more about it in the nexts few posts). My hobbies are/were listening to music and watching movies. My favourite sport is table tennis. I am also interested in philosophy and spirituality. I find your idea about oneness and equality very interesting and unique. In this blog I will post about my desteni process, starting NOW.

[Luka]

Week #2:

My mental health condition 2006-present

In this post I'll write something about my mental health/illness during the last 5 years. I'll try to be as self-honest as possible.

1 DEPRESSION EPISODE: Until the begining of 2006 everything was pretty much OK with my mental health. The troubles then began in May 2006. I fell into depression as a prodrormal phase of psychosis (as we will later see). It lasted like 4 months and I'm proud to say that I managed to beat the depression on my own, without medications.

2 PSHYCHOTIC EPISODE: I became psychotic in July 2007 and hospitalised soon after. I was in hospital for 3 months and cured successfully, thanks to Leponex (antipsychotic), which I still take. Although I was cured successfully, this illness made my brain much more sensitive and vulnerable. You will see in point 3 how that manifested. At this point I also have to mention why I got psychotic in the first place - well, it was mostly because I was smoking too much marijuana.

3 TABLE TENNIS: Until October 2009 everything was pretty much ok. There were some troubles in December 2008, but until October 2009, everything was in order. I endured 7 hours at the faculty and felt fine in general. But the problems came in November 2009. I was hungry at the hour of table tennis and I pushed myself to much. Table tennis is a sport that requires a lot of concentration and that's why it all went over the limit. The result was a mild nervous breakdown and a rapid fall of endurance. From this time on I endured only 2 hours at the faculty.

4 BIOENERGY THERAPIST: Because of these problems I started to visit bioenergy therapist in the same month, November 2009. At the begining he helped me really well, I endured at the faculty for 3 hours with no problem. But on the last therapy in February 2010 he gave me too much energy in the head. Consequences: headaches that lasted for a month and, again, fall of endurance. I endured 2 hours at the faculty, but with big effort.

5 BLACK TUESDAY: March 2010: I listened the lectures for 2 hours, suffering, making effort. That's pretty much how this month looked like. And than on Tuestay at the end of March: I was listening the lectures for 2 hours in the morning, pushing myself too much and than have some further obligations in the afternoon, where I pushed myself again too much, and this time it went over the limit, resulting total adrenaline nervous breakdown.

6 MONTHS IN BED: After the nervous breakdown my endurance fell to the zero. I was staying in bed for the whole days, not able to do anything. I wasn't able to listen to music, watch TV, go for a walk or hang out with my friend. Because of my inactivity my condition was getting worse and worse. At the end, after months and months of laying in bed I wasn't even able to eat and wasn't able to communicate with people.

7 IN HOSPITAL AGAIN: After 13 months in bed, the only solution was to get in psychiatric hospital again. There I got more appropriate medications and got activated by force. I was in the closed department for 5 months, and already 1 month at the open department. I am currently at the weekend exit. After 6 months in hospital I must say that I improved very well, I am able to endure like 4 hours of activity during the whole day and I believe that this will get better and better. I am also satisfied because I can again hang out with my friend Blaž, who motivated me for the Desteni I Process and blogging.

[Blaž Cegnar]

Hello Luka! Cool to see you blogging, keep them coming

To give others a litle perspective (I hope you don't mind Luka and if you do make use of the self-forgiveness tool ): We know each other for quite some time (13 years I think) and we used to hang out a lot in high-scool. One could say we were best friends although not from the BFF perspective, that's something I usually judged as "retarded" lol. Just hanged out a lot, trying to figure out what the fuck is Life all about.
Luka started to smoke a lot of weed then which eventually resulted in his health problem as he describes. So as I know how psychologists and medication can't realy solve anything (especially not mental problems), I started to explain to him the tools of self-forgiveness, self-honesty and breathing and also what we do at Desteni and I suggested he applies for the DIP sponsorship. As you already saw for yourself Luka, this tools will help you get strong and effective in no time. Just make an agreement with yourself to walk the process of self-honesty and self-correction!

So Luka (lol it's a bit funny to say Luka because everybody always called you by your surname), if you have any questions, just post them here somewhere to also get perspectives from others!

Cool, see ya later!

[Luka]

Yeah, those were good times .

And yes, I'll definitely keep on blogging.

[Luka]

Week #3:

Education Hour Experience

Last Thursday we had an education hour in hospital about psychosis. I had to participate because of my psychotic episode in 2007. The doctor who was having that hour talked about prodromes, symptomes (negative and positive), diagnose, medication and recovery from psychosis. It was said that continueing psychotic episodes leave consequences on the individual, like changes in personality, lower intelligence, memory and concentration, social withdrawal. I was listening that presentation with unpleasant feelings. What was the most disturbing was the information that after first psychosis the illness doesn't repeat in only 30 per cent of the patients. I think it would be better not to listen at all that presentation because I am not psyhotic in will never be again, the only thing that I obtain from this presentation is getting sad, worried and depressed, which has still be lasting up till now.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get influenced by this presentation so much that I got sad, worried and depressed. I understand that I am my own responsible for my feelings and emotions so I won't allow myself to be sad, worried and depressed anymore, starting NOW.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get influenced by this presentation so much that I actually started to slightly feel the symptoms of psychosis, like slightly mixed up thoughts that I can't control. I understand that this is only a mindfuck, because I know it started because of listening to presentation and a consequence of anxiety.

I know that I'll never get psychotic again, I am in these 30 per cent of the patients, because I take medications, don't drink alcohol, don't smoke weed and do all things that I do in moderation - this is the winning combination. I am here in the breath as life as one and equal with all as life!

[Luka]

Week 4:

My biggest fears:

1 PSYCHOSIS: Rather strong fear, fearing another psychotic episode. It is/was a strong fear, but I must say that I have more or less managed to overcome it, because I take rather high dose of the appropriate antipsychotic medication (Leponex and Abilify), don't drink alcohol and don't smoke marijuana anymore. I am completely sure that I am in that 30 per cent of the patients where psychosis never happen again. Nothing to self-forgive at this point, just keeping that attitude and everything will be alright.

2 MIXED UP THOUGHTS: This is one of my stronger fears, having mixed thoughts that I can't control. This has happened two times up till now and was both resulting the rapid fall of my mental endurance. The mixed up thoughts happened in the evening because I was pushing myself too much during the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about having mixed up thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of thinking about having mixed up thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the possibility of having mixed up thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to be afraid of the mixed up thoughts. I understand that mixed thoughts can't happen again, because I do all the things I do in moderation, meaning I'm having pauses between my activities, being in touch with myself and being careful not to be over-active and I'm passive and just relax/chill out after 6 PM.

3 NERVOUS BREAKDOWN: This is probably my most hardcore fear. This is because I had a adrenaline nervous breakdown in March 2010, and after that I was laying in bed all the time for 13 months. The nervous breakdown happened because I was pushing myself way too much, then having the adrenaline rush and it went over the limit. It is depressing to know that if another nervous breakdown happens I'll never recover and I'll be done with my life. This fear arises mostly on Tuesdays when we have a Creative hour in hospital late in the afternoon. At this time I take additional medication (Loram, a sedative).

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about having a nervous breakdown.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of thinking about the nervous breakdown.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the possibility of me having another nervous breakdown.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of not being able to do anything else but lay in bed.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will push myself too much and get nervous/exhausted.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear that I will not overcome my fears.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that I cannot stop my fears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the nervous breakdown. I understand that nervous breakdown can not happen again, because since I've been in hospital I don't react with adrenaline anymore, take the appropriate medication and do all the things I do in moderation as I described above.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I make my own fears and can thus stop them whenever I decide so.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to realize that I am equal to my thoughts and my mind and can so decide what to thing and what to feel and can so stop all my thoughts and feelings whenever I decide so by simply breathing and letting them go and by not accepting and allowing myseld to participate in the thoughts and feelings and the act of thinking.

[Marlen]

Hi Luka - Cool, let's look at some points.

In relation to the previous post on 'psychosis' I suggest expanding your Self Forgiveness in terms of sharing the exact memories as You experienced them, being specific in terms of what you realize you are accepting and allowing within yourself to generate this experience. This is in conjunction to the point you've posted here as well:

1 PSYCHOSIS: Rather strong fear, fearing another psychotic episode. It is/was a strong fear, but I must say that I have more or less managed to overcome it, because I take rather high dose of the appropriate antipsychotic medication (Leponex and Abilify), don't drink alcohol and don't smoke marijuana anymore. I am completely sure that I am in that 30 per cent of the patients where psychosis never happen again. Nothing to self-forgive at this point, just keeping that attitude and everything will be alright.

See, saying 'everything will be alright' just by having a 'positive attitude' toward it is another way of creating a veil to not dare oneself to open up the point. For what I've read, this first point is something that I suggest you take proper time to write yourself to freedom about, beginning with 'how it all began' to become aware of how you created and how it is that you DO have to Self Forgive for everything that you accepted and allowed yourself to experience and participate in to generate the current stage wherein you are still taking medication for it. Therefore, what I suggest is to not divert the point of taking self responsibility within this by thinking 'it will be alright.' What this process is about is daring ourselves to open up in detail and specificity the aspects that are existent within us that have lead us to become a certain experience, without realizing that we have created it for ourselves. So, now that you understand we must take self responsibility for it, the next point is opening it up and realizing that there is a process to be walked and to apply in real-life to make sure we do support ourselves through a process of self-correction.

Have a look at how you 'think' that 'everything will be alright' yet you've listed it as part of the conscious fears that you experience - therefore you can already know that there is a lot to open up for yourself instead of creating a shield for you to not write it out and apply self forgiveness accordingly to become aware of how self responsibility is neglected with thoughts to pretend that it's all fine.

2 MIXED UP THOUGHTS: This is one of my stronger fears, having mixed thoughts that I can't control. This has happened two times up till now and was both resulting the rapid fall of my mental endurance. The mixed up thoughts happened in the evening because I was pushing myself too much during the day.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about having mixed up thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be afraid of thinking about having mixed up thoughts.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the possibility of having mixed up thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to be afraid of the mixed up thoughts. I understand that mixed thoughts can't happen again, because I do all the things I do in moderation, meaning I'm having pauses between my activities, being in touch with myself and being careful not to be over-active and I'm passive and just relax/chill out after 6 PM.

Here for example, the entire process of writing yourself out in a 'participant'-mode will be supportive in terms of allowing you to write yourself and actually let out all the details, the experiences, the exact situation, the physical reactions - all that is encompassed in any given moment wherein you've experienced this 'mixed-thoughts' point. You can already see that this 'summary' of fears can take more than a single observational-list to allow yourself to dig into the point and really open up the memory through writing. As you go walking your process, you'll see how this is not about 'controlling your thoughts' but standing one and equal as your mind wherein you can stop all fears when realizing that they only exist as a limitation to not live and express here as the moment of every breath. Being here as breath, slowing yourself down is a physical point of support to not rush into the mind, but take each point that may come up and direct it accordingly.

Within slowing down as we go writing ourselves, becoming aware of our thoughts and breathing here as the physical, we are able to stop participating in thoughts that we realize are not supportive to live and might only trigger other experiences. I suggest writing out the exact play out of how this happens as part of getting to be self-intimate with yourself in seeing the reality that you've lived thus far. That is the process of writing yourself to freedom.

3 NERVOUS BREAKDOWN: This is probably my most hardcore fear. This is because I had a adrenaline nervous breakdown in March 2010, and after that I was laying in bed all the time for 13 months. The nervous breakdown happened because I was pushing myself way too much, then having the adrenaline rush and it went over the limit. It is depressing to know that if another nervous breakdown happens I'll never recover and I'll be done with my life. This fear arises mostly on Tuesdays when we have a Creative hour in hospital late in the afternoon. At this time I take additional medication (Loram, a sedative).

These is also a point that you can take later on as it seems that all of the above is linked to an entire process of generating a self-created mental state wherein being labelled as having some form of disease is the current way in which these 'states of mind' are dealt by our current 'health-care system.' Within this process and as you go listening to the videos and read the articles and everyone else's participation here, you'll start realizing the points to take self responsibility for because of having accepted and allowed ourselves to neglect the basic aspect of facing ourselves and our reality. You've laid out here the exact conditions that trigger that point so, an example is to expand and write about the exact memory as the points arise and how you go reacting - example on 'Tuesdays' when having that hour at the hospital. Our mind is a system, therefore what we are doing within Self Forgiveness is addressing the exact thoughts and exact associations in relation to the experiences that we generate within ourselves to be able to then take the self corrective action of not participating in the same thoughts that lead to, for example, 'fear of having a nervous breakdown.'

Though what I suggest for now is to realize that each of these points will be walked with extensive specificity and the Desteni I Process is definitely the way to walk this with specific tools that will allow you to see the point with much more clarity.

For now, because you're beginning to write and share yourself, I suggest to start writing in terms of your every day experience, first get to establish that point of comfort within writing yourself in a detailed and specific manner wherein you get to know yourself, to walk your entire experience through words that will be then your backbone to start applying self forgiveness for each point wherein you see that it is necessary to stop and correct certain thought patterns, beliefs, habits and any other experience as the accumulation of thoughts that we place-out of ourselves through writing.

So, suggestion is to simply allow yourself to take one point at a time, allow yourself to expand yourself in writing and definitely making it a habit on a daily basis as this is the way to establish that point of self communication that we have proven to ourselves is very supportive to face ourselves and walk our process here.

Thanks for sharing.