Day 1: Am I deluded?
A couple of years ago, triggered by events that I perhaps explain some other time, I encountered the New Age movement and I became quickly immersed in it and readily absorbed most of their ideas like a sponge. All these ideas like dissolving my ego and just having to follow my hearts desires and becoming a loving and compassionate person sounded like great advice for changing my life around for the better and thus becoming a happier and more fulfilled person. I have to admit that it has worked quite well in the beginning. I quickly developed a different approach to life after starting to question a lot of old beliefs that I had carried around for most of my life, which I think was a good thing after all. I worried less and less about anything, including death itself, as I also worked through my fears and faced and integrated them as good as I could. It has been a dramatic and intense period of my life and my responses to people and life’s challenges have changed since. I have become a different person with different views about life and reality.
However, time and time again some doubts arose. Was this New Age stuff really the way to go? Was it really possible to manifest a better life, including more wealth, a fulfilling partnership, a nice home and place to live, by just imagining it, inviting it into my life, and raising my vibration? Was it enough to just fully trust it and then help would come and manifest all my desires like through magic? Why then was this not happening to me? After all I actually found myself still in my old job, with my marriage having fallen apart, my kids now living several thousand miles away on a different continent, and a burdensome financial responsibility towards them. I was stuck alone in a foreign country with no friends or family in reach and a boring job in a boring town. Something was obviously not working so great, or so it seemed. How did all that happen to me? And more importantly, why did it happen to me?
When looking honestly at the situation however, I came to realize that a few, if not most, of my innermost desires actually had become a reality. A marriage that was not working anymore had finally dissolved itself. My kids now lived back in Germany where they would get a superior education without getting in debt for it. I had a lot of free time to think about myself and my future, explore my self and my desires and wishes, while having nothing to really worry about. Not even the financial side was that burdensome. I had enough for myself and my kids did not have to suffer either. Maybe they are even better off now than before. I have also met a nice woman and we have been together a couple of times and get along very well. So actually, life could have been a lot worse. But why then am I still not satisfied? Why am still crying to get out of here, out of this meaningless life with this meaningless job in this meaningless town in the middle of nowhere?
I think part of the answer is that I was following the wrong path, so to speak. The path of the ego. Listening too much to the New Age messages made me believe that I could actually manifest everything in my life that I wanted without any effort. This made me focus particularly on those things that I actually found out to be quite meaningless to me. Like a well-paid, prestigeous job, a beautiful young girl friend, lots of money, etc. What kind of values were these? And where did they come from? I had to realize that these are indeed not the things I strive for at the core of my being. None of them. I would not mind to have them, but they are not what I live for. Not anymore and maybe never before either. But I believed for a very long time that these were actually indeed the goals I had for life. But by believing this I was thus not actually following my inner calling, my true nature, or whatever you want to call it. It was rather the opposite and I had deceived myself (and obviously still to). I want to do some meaningful work but I don’t speak up and say what I believe would be more meaningful. I even avoid exploring fully what I consider to be meaningful and why. Instead, I still hold on to my outgrown, secure and well-paid job, although it is the most meaningless thing I have ever done. But it pays well and my family relies on it. And instead of changing my view about it, I want to escape and find something else to do that is more meaningful and allows me to relocate closer to my sons. But this job, which is bound to this place, keeps me feel trapped in this part of the world until I retire. A perfect victim role for me here, right? But there is huge conflict here and I often feel unable to resolve it. That makes me sick, depressed, and hopeless. And I realize that I need to release this victim role and that the only way out is to take full responsibility for where I am in my life right now. This includes taking full responsibility for being in such a seemingly hopeless situation (as I define it to be) and being in such a meaningless job (as I define it to be). I wonder whether I have manifested this situation into my life in order to have the opportunity to realize how and in which ways I maneuvered myself into such a corner in life so there is finally no way out other than taking full responsibility for it and stepping out of it by taking action. Action that perhaps goes against my desire for financial security but that actually is needed for me in order to become more fulfilled with what I am doing here in this life. I can’t stand the idea that I am just a money-making machine for my kids and ex-wife and thus get stuck here in this job and place. If this is all there is to life, than I am simply not interested anymore.
But what then is it that I am interested in? It is certainly not a simply well-paid job and lots of money. It is also certainly not having lots of free time and nothing to do with it. It is also certainly not simply living in a different location, like in the mountains, at a lake or ocean where I could enjoy nature. It is also certainly not simply having a loving partner to live with and a bunch of good friends to talk to and spend time with. These would be mere distractions. Pleasant distraction, but distractions nevertheless. But distraction from what? I am hammering my mind for years now with this question but I don’t seem to be able to find an answer. And why don’t I find an answer? Because I always step back into the habit of allowing myself to believe what the New Ager’s propagate. Namely that I should relax and let go. That I should surrender to what is and stop fighting. That I should accept what is and let go of my desires and wishes.
But I can’t. I cannot submit and contribute to a meaningless life in world that is rapidly approaching its own self-destruction. I cannot sit back and do nothing about it. I have been sitting on the fence for too long and this is making me sick. I need to do something. And the first thing I do right here and now is to accept full responsibility to what is and where I am in my life and then commit to changing it.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to strive for more happiness in my life without investigating what it is that would make me truly happy and also why I want a happier life and what this means to me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for the opinions of others in defining happiness and fulfillment for me rather than defining this for myself and expressing my own thoughts, feelings, convictions, and beliefs about this freely.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to to believe that living together with a new partner would make me happier than continuing to live alone after the divorce and thus spend a lot of time finding such a person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend a lot of time on the phone with my girlfriend lately although I feel this is often keeping me from actually becoming happier through focusing on what I truly want, which is living a more meaningful life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that so-called fun-activities (travelling, sailing, skiing, etc.) would make me happier even though I realize these are only short-term distraction. In actuality I feel these activities are making me more unhappy and even stressed out because they do not satisfy my inner urge for bringing about positive change in my life and in this world. They are more like drugs, preventing me from doing what I consider to be necessary at this point in my life, more fulfilling, and simply worthwhile to do.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to come up with a lot excuses to not take action in the right direction and instead do the things my family and friends expect from me rather than allowing myself to actually do what I feel I need to do and thus I become unhappy and dissatisfied with myself for not doing “the right thing”.
I commit myself to speak my truth and stop hiding in the closet, be it at work or at home. I commit myself to not come up with any more excuses or any more reasons for hiding my truth and not living it.
I commit myself to finding a job that is more aligned with my inner urge for more meaning in life rather than looking for a job wherein I can make more money or move to different town in a nicer location.
I commit myself to honor my innermost feelings and my desire for change and for a more meaningful life.
I commit myself to exploring what I consider more meaningful at this point in my life in brutal honesty and also why I have this urge to find more meaning.
I commit myself to not stop with just listing all the meaningless stuff in my life but to go beyond it and list at least three things that I consider more meaningful for each one that I consider meaningless.
I commit myself to spend more time with my sons and get in touch with them at least once a week even if there is not much to talk about.
I commit myself to the process of daily self-honest evaluation of my habits and addictions in order to eradicate them from my life through becoming aware of them and how they affect my life and my situation.
I commit myself to finish the self-reflective writing process each day before I go to bed. I will free at least 2 hours between 6- 10 pm each day for this work.
I commit myself to do this now.