Life Doesn’t Move in a Perfectly Straight Line – An Artists Journey To Life: Day 802
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Today at the end of the day at work today, I decided that I was far enough along in my stone sculpture that I wanted to get a good look at the coloration of the stone and what it would look like when it was finished.
So I retrieved some water and poured it over the stone which for a moment enhances the color of the stone until it drys again. Right away I noticed a marking that ran along the sculpture in a certain way and I started to react.
The reaction was strong.
I was frustrated, angry, and enraged at this marking on the sculpture. This is not the first time I have actually had this experience in relation to a piece that I am working on where I start noticing that the natural markings and colorations of the stone are aligning, from my perspective, in an undesirable way.
I was so frustrated.
So I got home and a couple hours later I was chatting about it with my partner and my starting point within the discussion was still based on this reaction that I was having where I was quite disgruntled and telling my partner how “now my sculpture is ruined” and I was just so angry and frustrated. And basically everything within me and coming out of me as my words where infused with an energy of resentment, blame, frustration, angry, hopelessness, irritation, ect.
Now obviously the sculpture isn’t ruined, I was actually just stuck in this reaction. And so for a moment as I was speaking with my partner, I stopped and asked myself what this reaction was showing me about Who I am and where I am from the perspective of how and why would I be having such a reaction. And so I looked at what it was showing me, and essentially that is what I am here doing with this blog. I am opening up this reaction and looking at why I would accept and allow such a reaction within me and what it is showing me about myself.
One point I notice here straight away is that one reason I would have such a strong reaction in relation to this piece is because its like “I have everything riding on it” where I can see that I have kind of tunnel visioned onto this piece and in this made this one single project into A MAJOR POINT.
So here I can acknowledge for myself that my life isn’t built on ‘one single point’ but is constructed of multiple aspects and points and so things don’t often really ride on ‘one single point’. So this is a cool point to take with me moving forwards as the realization that there is always many elements that go into my life.
As I mentioned, this is not the first time I have had such a reaction towards one of the sculptures I am working on.
However, this is something that I see I can change and would like to change. Meaning I can see that I have ‘placed everything into this sculpture’ and basically made this one piece a “make or break” situation where “if this doesn’t work out I am doomed”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel and experience myself walking such a thin line within myself and my life in relation to success or failure where I feel like things are always so fragile and teetering on the edge in every moment, here not acknowledging the actually Stability of My life which I insist doesn’t exist.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be angry when one of my sculptures doesn’t go exactly as planned and work out perfectly, because in my mind, I have equated this to a set-back, where then I go into a reaction within me and think “why does this always happen to me” and essentially go into a point of victimization and disempowerment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel like my life is always hanging in the balance, and that If one thing is out of place, then everything will fall down and collapse where this experience was reflected to me in my sculpture where the natural flow of the stone was not what I wanted, and I reacted in thinking “everything is ruined” and that this one apparent misalignment will now be my doom.
Here I can also consider how this experience I was having in relation to my life, exists also in the “inner self” so this can be a mental note for myself to see if I can pin-point this “things hanging in the balance, state” existing in my inner reality and how I deal with or direct my inner world, where one wrong move can throw everything off.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be grossly impatient with the growth of my business venture/ art business which was indicated by my reaction today where I reacted to my sculpture not looking exactly perfect because to me this represented a ‘SET-BACK’ which I just couldn’t handle and went into a reaction of frustration and anger.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire things to be different in my life to the degree where I react whenever I perceive I have a set-back that slows me down from reaching my goals and creating my life the way I want it.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not accept the fact that Life isn’t perfect, meaning that the process of creating a business or creating my life the way I want, or creating myself, isn’t just going to go from point ‘a’ to point ‘b’ seamlessly without anything in between. In fact, life presents many obstacles, and so I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to be more patient with myself within creating my business and life where I see, realize, and understand that things don’t always move in a straight line.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I was too focused on where I was going, that I forgot about LIFE HERE, in the moment. And how life actually functions.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to subtly not want to be in my life, and so desire things to be different to the degree where the desire becomes dominant and then I react when outcomes don’t materialize as fast as possible or along the shortest route, here essentially I am judging where I am at in my life as not good enough and that “things will be better once I achieve this or that”
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that I was focused too much “in the future” which was shown to me by how I reacted to a perceived set-back where it was like “I couldn’t handle it” I couldn’t handle having to re-walk a point or take longer in my pursuit of a goal, and so I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to find a better way to creating goals and outcomes than to ‘pursue’ them where when I am in pursuit of such points, I forget about my reality right here, and I forget to LIVE HERE walking breath by breath and moment by moment.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to embrace Set-Backs
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create set-backs in my life through by approaching things the way that I do where I perceive a mistake or an unexpected turn of direction as a set-back instead of simply a natural process of life.
I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to account for the mistakes, and unexpected turns which are natural within life expression and so I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to go into CONTROL in relation to my life and creating my life and business.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to write about being more Patient, but then ‘lose it’ when something goes wrong because I am actually not being Patient in the grand scheme of things, meaning where creating self and life takes time and takes a process and isn’t always going to be a straight line.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel stressed about money, and so when I experience a ‘set-back’ in my mind that is an obstacle or “more time” now until I am satisfied with my life and business instead of practicing this point of being Satisfied with my Process of Self Creation in every moment.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to become invested in a “Future Projection” instead of just taking things day by day and moment by moment, and EMBRACING and LIVING ‘IN’ My Days instead of just using my days to get somewhere else in the future, but within this forgetting to be and live HERE.
I commit myself to assist and support myself to give more attention to my Day, and stop seeing it as ‘just another day’ to be used to get somewhere else, and so ultimately am missing the day where I am just seeing it as resource to get to some future point, but within this kind of judging where I am at, and judging the elements of my life instead of Embracing them, and Embracing all the parts of my life that comprise it.
I commit myself to STOP, to Breathe, to BE HERE, to Embrace what is here as the moment, and as each day and stop being so hell bent on getting somewhere else, but rather practice Honoring Each Day.
I commit myself to when and as I see myself reacting to one of my sculptures as if there is something about it that is “going to set me back” to stop in such moments, Breathe, and realize that if I am having that experience than this is showing me that I am not Honoring and Truly EMBRACING where I am at in my life/process of Creation, And so I commit myself practice Embracing MY Day, and VALUING my Day more than I Value a future Projection in my mind that is not even real.