Jozsef's Journey to Life

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... stigation/

Continuing from the last post, where I opened up the suppression point…

Going back in time…

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define emotional experiences as overwhelming and avoidable because of losing the ability for clear logic to apply and within that fearing from manifesting irreversible consequences, meanwhile if am able to keep sliding on the logical thinking, I have a feel of ability to counter-avoid everything I think I would be doing wrong, and within that developing a phobia of making mistakes in general and within that not seeing/realizing and understanding that this rendered me action+less and more suppressing, instead of to dare trying, making mistakes, learning from them.
I forgive myself that I have defined myself and my actions to be good or bad based on the self-definition preferences personality system I’ve defined as who I am and within that trying to never risk and step out from my character in order to minimize the negative judgments coming up automatically in my head about what’s good or bad.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to enjoy being in control within my mind and reactions, so to use suppressing, muting, over-dominating thoughts, feelings and emotions within me, I became accustomed to strive for the perfect balance within me and only coming out from this behavior when feeling confident and whenever doing something not perfect, defining it as not good enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the extent of clinging to morality, even though defining morality as limitation and imprint from the system and finding it not to be influencing to me, in fact sometimes giving into the worry of other people’s judgments, what are actually the projections of my own judgments, justified by memories and within this not realizing that morality is only existing because there is no self-honesty, yet people do not want to feel bad about that, so they follow rules in order to make-believe that they are good.
I forgive myself that I have not realized how blinding I have became with the morality projected out to other people, especially can be easily caught when someone is acting differently what is ‘normal’ and within that automatically judging the person and defining how relatable/cool/attractive/good they are and within that not realizing that it is also for hunting positive feedback, then turning them to self-judgments for my interest.
I forgive myself that I have not realized how I am suppressing during an ordinary normal day, wherein I wake up, go to bathroom, having breakfast and going out for work or to meet someone or get or do something and within my moments not being aware of how much I communicate with myself.
Self-communication vs self-suppression

Looks like communicating with myself is being suppressed, and thus my actions also becoming suppressed.

I commit myself to establish self-agreement with myself to not only acknowledge and admit but to embrace who I am today, what I do, how and why and within that staying, resting, standing as my home and trusting myself that I can be-come absolute self-honest without any judgement or suppression.
I commit myself to express instead of suppress – meaning to open up, initiate conversations, move, show and do things without fear of failure, fear of judgement and fear of loss.
I commit myself to discover each moments within my living wherein I participate in suppression and to understand why I not express and to figure out how to express and what to express.
I commit myself to stop using my thoughts, feelings and emotions as those are results and seeds of suppression, meanwhile expression, movement, direction, clarity, planning, organizing, enjoying are seeds for further and more free expression.
I commit myself to balance myself out to not be needed an energetic mind consciousness system within me to balance me out with thoughts, feelings, emotions, memories and reactions. I become the physical expression of who I am as life directly.
I learn to live with a dark and empty mind wherein I do not need to think to know, where I do not need to become emotional to feel and no need to have feelings in order to love, because actions speak louder than the mind.
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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... ppression/

In my last posts I’ve opened up various angles to suppression.

This is a sort of ranting about the topic to bring up more points.

To be honest (great phrase) – every single thought is suppression. We can argue, justify, deny or protect this statement, but the fact is fact.

Of course, definition of LIVING can depend person by person, someone simply define thinKING as truly living – yet that does not make it objectively real.

I used to think a lot. Literally, my childhood was mostly about thinking and although most of the humans like to associate and refer thinking as something great, respectable and rewarding, it’s still a form of self-distraction from what’s here in physical reality.

I used to believe that by thinking I am able to avoid and solve problematic situations, because I am using my past, my memories, my knowledge, my wisdom(lol) to learn from the mistakes, to find and create new possibilities.

Sometimes I could not stop the thoughts, reactions and judgments in my head, especially when I made a mistake, caused a not so great consequence by my definitions. Oftentimes this resulted me to replay the dramatic event/experience in my head many-many times and I was trying to – consciously and sometimes unconsciously – think myself through of that micro-or macro-traumatic memory. Maybe I will understand more of why this happened, or I will be able to overcome my reactions and feeling crap about if if I replay it in my head the 500th time.

The unwanted echoes of my mind are the thoughts I’ve assisted to appear and make an impression on me and the more times I did, the more it was carved into the automatism – programmed to repeat the same patters all over.

What I have not admitted for long-long time was that even though a thought had a feedback, a critique, a reason – I often was just reacting emotionally to it – for instance replaying the event of ‘she said we are done’ – and immediately I was back there, in the cold, alone, with loss and disappointment tuned to the maximum degree.
Just an example – fascinating – looking back – after a crappy day spent like that, waking up in the next morning I was empty, clear – no sadness, no bad mood – but eventually I was triggered to remember, to react again – it’s like I am naturally healed, my mind is now empty when I wake up, but I relapse again.

In this sense it’s interesting play to look at every day as a new life – I am reborn – I go to sleep, I lose my consciousness, I am not here, I am gone. And then waking up and in that moment my mind is empty, I have the opportunity to be here, to look forward, to keep living – and then BAM! – remembering some crap and being triggered to feel bad again.
Then going out, because one still have to get some cash otherwise might not eat soon – and then it’s like a soap opera to maintain sort of effectiveness yet inside flaming this sadness.

Ridiculous – of course, one can justify when someone close dies – I do not say not to cry, not to ‘bury’ and let go – but when one keeps not being able to move on from the past after a while is like stating out: I give up on the future and myself, in the past I had bad stuff, now I am marked, doomed, so I am going to be this sad puppy and it’s a great excuse not to grow, not to be open, not to support anymore.

I hated that feel and overall experience – I want to keep moving forward, having the upper hand on my life, to be optimistic, to still ride the dragon towards the beautiful fulfilling sunset!

I also did not like that when I am emotional, I just disregard logic and common sense. IT DOES NOT MATTER, FUCK YOU! Is what my mind becomes and my effectiveness in reality just drops to close to zero. That’s so compromising, humiliating and degrading state, so I needed something to be able to overcome any emotional overwhelming experience.

TADA! That’s how suppression came for me and then I was this good boy who never cries, who never shows feelings, well I did sometimes, but it’s like 1/100th of what I was within – because to any direction I tried to express myself – BAM! I got some emotional reaction and I felt like I am losing CONTROL.
Control, meaning that having a situation and I am unable to think through, over-analyse to filter out the possible pitfalls, mistakes in advance before acting.

As there is this cute story when the fox wants to borrow a shovel from the rabbit. He walks in the forest and starts thinking – what if the rabbit can’t give the shovel today because he is using it. Hm..What if he lent it to someone else already…Hmmm…what if he just does not trusts me that much…hmmmmm – and when he reaches the Rabbit’s house, he just says: You know, Rabbit, fuck your shovel!

This is my young age in a nutshell. I have missed so much opportunity to express, to learn, to interact, to grow because of this almost paranoid overthinking of everything to try to avoid mistakes and experiences I judged as bad.

Suppressing all the mind-leak of emotional result of those excessive thinkings was not a perfect method. What you suppress, accumulates and will be exerted when it’s too much – not when I want, not how I want – it just BAM! happens.
And eventually will result in doing stupid things which I will again over-analyse, judge, feel bad about, becoming emotional and then suppress again.

These things should be taught in kindergarten and elementary school so then everybody can learn to deal with and solve, not what politician did which law or who won in the battle of 261 BC (I don’t mind if someone wants to research it, just to be mandatory of such things is literally sabotaging life-potentials at early age).

When I finished university, I was mostly the same, just was able to socialize myself to the extent of navigating myself through the system while juggling my mind-emotional-suppression balance so then I could keep falling forward.

What suppression does is literally taking physical life force away as the excessive mind-patterns will suck that out and creating this virtual experience, but the cost is that one gets older, sick, counterproductive and also susceptible for various fallacies and traps one can find within society. Alcohol and drug abuse, toxic relationships, financial struggles, and in general losing one’s true potential in life to celebrate it with giving back to the whole world what we have taken granted as the unconditional support most of us get from our parents, family, nature, etc.

I had glimpses of that this suppression is getting ridiculous, I did dare steps towards change – for instance I was self-defined as really introvert person, what was just insanely great for doing meditation – I was advancing with those practices like a superhero, however, because of the character of my mind, it has been proven to be a two-edged sword: I had experiences and insights during meditations what many only can read within holy books, however when it was about to actually benefit those in reality, I was always fallen behind – so that’s why I started to play against my character.
I was resisting to be social and do something what is really difficult for me – as I always got money by being a computer programmer, just by sitting at the machine, doing the code work, sending it to the system and being rewarded with good money. I liked that but also realized that it’s a trap for me, so for a while I was doing various kinds of jobs, wherein I had to socialize, talk with humans, organize, direct and that was a huge step to face my suppression.
This was around 2004. In two years I felt like I do not need to meditate anymore, I know oneness, I know universal wisdom, yeyeye, I need earthly practice. So I learned music, juggling, travelling(it’s a skill, especially if money is an issue) – and I was able to play along with my suppression.

However the main points remained – to be honest with myself, any time, absolutely was just never possible – there was always a thought process pulling me out from direct responsibility – and if not, worst case, there was the good old shame to mesmerize me to feel bad in order to initiate some sort of attempt to change – until the shame experience was gone, so I could return to the same patterns until the next loop of crappy shame again.

This can easily become someone’s entire life and I consider myself as lucky because I found Desteni support, the community, the interviews, the principles, the tools, the courses and it was and still is the most simplest thing in the world!

But by looking at, interpreting through, trying to process with our mind, thinking, emotions, reactions: it is most likely resisted, rejected and even attacked.

Although it seems simple – it is the most difficult thing anyone can face – because it is about facing, embracing, understanding myself as directly and fully as possible and taking full responsibility for everything I accept and allow.

Simple, because facts, our current experiences, impressions, reactions, thoughts, feelings, emotions and actions are here to assist us to understand who I have became – it’s obvious – facts are facts.

Difficult, because to admit, to accept, to acknowledge without judgement of positive or negative, without resisting to see reality as it is – it is challenging, because one might feel that starts with picking up a piece of garbage in the park and ending up considering the future of humanity if continues to consider consequences of our actions.

And in this example: every day I walk through a park – I see this plastic garbage every day and not picking it up. Every day. So I will keep seeing it, accepting it, allowing myself not to take responsibility for it because it’s someone else’s problem, because it’s not my job, someone gets money for that to do, etc – except in that morning alone walking through moment – the opportunity is here – I just push my arm out and lean a bit down and picking it up and throwing into a bin nearby. Not rocket science. What I mean is that as actions accumulate – the lack of action also does.

That’s why, whenever I think about a scenario and trying to comb out bad attempts by judging them as bad – I am not acting, I am suppressing. It’s like seeing a lady every day and thinking about how cool it could be to go out with her for a tea etc, yet never doing it – instead of expressing – suppressing. I wrote about this many times, but doing it again to dig deeper.

Why do I suppress? What do I suppress? What I do not express? Why I do not express that?

It’s not that difficult to ask – then to answer. It’s a skill to be able to answer to myself honestly. Needs practice and self-trust.

That’s why it’s important to not fearing making mistakes – if those are not horrible and capital destruction – to maybe make them – in a way it’s every day mistake when I do not act – so to act and do something silly or not doing it perfectly is fine. Because then I can see my action and consequence – and that’s how I learn. Not by thinking about things based on my memory, definitions and expectations. That’s a trap.

Many do not realize that this seems like a problem only for the introvert and not really living people. To a certain extent they might be extreme. But most of the humans do this – when they are alone maybe, or when they are being in a situation what they do not like or something worrisome – they will think, judge, react and not do!

Whole industries are specialized to these kind of feedings – such as gossip media, about celebrities, so anyone can read up things about those people’s life and can judge them, react to those information and then safely form their opinion about them. Rich people, famous people, powerful people, poor people, stupid people – just to judge and react.

All suppression. Suppressing life potential, suppressing self-honesty and suppressing real change.

I suppress greed and ambition, desire and fear – it’s not a big thing to admit – but as there is the saying: the devil is in the details: I need to know the specifics.

It’s similar when archaeologists dig, or auctioneers research a piece – it’s history, the life of that thing, when, how and why it was created – when I look at a piece of tool from 4 thousand years ago, it’s more value when I can understand the context of that piece – or by looking at a painting of a haystack – how comes that it worth 81 million dollars – without the context it is just a cool painting. But by understanding it’s era, what it represents, who created it and why – it carries a lot of insights.

All my suppression come from not expressing myself naturally and as it grew in my mind, kept being twisted and losing context with livable reality.

Most of my greed and ambition comes from glimpses of my perceived and not yet developed/lived potentials.

Most of my desires come from self-judgements of them and thus myself being bad.

Most of my fears come from my other suppressions kept being accepted and trying to avoid the uncomfortable truth.

I mean we all going to die anyway – yet each of our action and not action accumulates consequence in every moment equally. By looking at life holistically, how much we’ve been given to and how much we’ve given – it’s a closed system – if one is not seeing the nature of existence with equality and oneness, they are delusional – and for a reason!

Every day to discover a little bit more about one’s suppression will also accumulate.

And we have a really great tool to understand suppression: our thinking mind – it will exactly show for what and why do we suppress.

I know, what about the ‘great thinkers’ one might ask?

And many can feel to be threatened by taking away their precious tool to survive in this system by believing that ‘I can’t be in this system without keep thinking!’ – not true!

It’s also possible to utilize the mind – without this reactional, almost involuntary thinking.

I’ve spend quite some years to figure out the answers for the greatest spiritual questions: ‘Where our thoughts are coming from, who we are, where are we coming from and where are we going to?’ – meanwhile I kept suppressing the thoughts I judged as uncool. Keep searching for the big truth out there, meanwhile I have this mind consciousness system located in and as me as this human physical body I try to control, suppress, dominate, abuse and stimulate with thoughts, feelings and emotions.

To understand what it means to let go those stimulation – and not to THINK that without those we are not humans, we are not being able to live and enjoy – is possible. I was able to, many were able to understand with the Desteni tools.

It’s completely different level to think you are versus KNOW you are and be you are.

I must admit, I had a phase when it was difficult to do my daily job without thinking – computer programming, software engineering, managing platform systems – I do not really think much now – as thinking is always limited by the past. One might call this intuitive – I don’t – writing also assists to see things in front of me – and I look, I read, I follow up, I research, I ask and I try things – but it’s not thinking, it’s rather a self-movement. And if it’s not – then I eventually realize it and will re-align from frustration, judgement, polarity to just look at facts and figure out problems and solutions. Same with social interactions. And doing artistic-like expressions – or driving car – making love or planting seeds – literally or indirectly – it’s like a leap of faith in myself to live in this moment directly instead of clinging back to my thoughts to hypnotize me to take sides at uncertain – doubtful – situations.

Many believe that thinking outside the box is the solution, yet not realizing thinking is the box.

It starts with small steps. To just being able to exist for some moments without thoughts is quite liberating.

No need to meditate for hours for a piece of mind, to halt the endless battle of good and evil inside is literally a nirvana. Yet it is just the start.

Thinking also can be re-defined to respect self-honesty, self-expression, self-trust, self-expansion as equal as all life. To see connections without being driven by the process of seeing those connections, without being influenced by information ( am I in formation with what?). Everything is code and thus can be revealed if one follows the words. Every emotion is coded by words, every feeling, every conviction, belief and perception.

Writing words is the most powerful tool to reach that sort of nirvana – but it’s not blissful, neither beautiful, because often truth hurts. But once one starts to express within writing, will experience more clarity and quietness within.
IF the writing is based on self-honesty and eventually self-forgiveness.

It’s like when I dig up an old tool in the yard – it’s dirty, maybe stinky and not pleasant – but I can clean it, repair it – that’s my potential, my inner innocence, my life force what has been suppressed during the indoctrination of this current human system. No one to blame but to see what can be done about it.

Everyone has crap inside and to give a new chance, to forGIVE self is beautiful. Nice, wonderful, glorious, honorable and now I am just playing with words of positive crap so you can check if you react in any way whatsoever to this fun and then expose the automatic mind within, because that might be the director of your life and maybe often it’s doing great but might be some situations where it messes up, and it is you then who have to own it and take responsibility for. Nothing is beautiful without it’s context and it’s kind of subjective, so then worth checking how am I with self-interest versus all life-interest. Am I only this cell, separated from everything and thus being against anything for survival or can I see the equal-ity within all what’s existing?

All I can or should do here now is to take responsibility for my own suppression and self-dishonesty and do something about it instead of this much blabber-mouthing.
See – this might be a judgement – self-judgement is the source of all suppression.
Body awareness is also another key to support oneself within this process, because often it’s not that obvious, because the mind can be so quick or obvious – I literally become it so from that point I do not see it, so I need to have various kinds of support to be able to cross-reference what is real, self-honest and practical common sense.

Further self-forgiveness will commence. It can give more insight, specificity and clarity of(and for) our self-creation.

In the meantime I highly recommend to support oneself with understanding the world through joining the awesome EQAFE existential audiobook library:

Absolutism interviews from eqafe:

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... ut-energy/

sunset2-2Continuing with the re-definition of expression, a.k.a. replacing suppression with self-direction.

I can have a tendency to over-analyze or over-complicate when it is about perceived weaknesses, and the solution is often just about to push through instead of ‘keep working on it’, a.k.a. beating around the bush for a reason I do not admit.

It’s like I always used to fight within, to force and control myself and putting effort into virtual battles and when started to stop the fight against myself I though it means never to PUSH and apply with force.

So it is to rediscover that sometimes that pressure is needed, just with the right starting point and direction.

Recently discovered that within social interactions the previously preserved self-definitions of myself about being an introvert, awkward and uncomfortable is merely history and the less I think about that, the more I am able to express myself in the moment without self-limitation.

This means that it is alright if I forgive myself for what I have accepted and allowed but from that point when it’s pretty obvious what to do to make that forgiveness a reality, it is prime time to DO.

This point is actually more a self-sabotage than I ever truly considered and understood, but this means it is a great news, because after a moment of clarity – the less I wait and ponder in my mind to wander about how glorious it will be WHEN I will act upon that realization, the more direct and immediate my change can be substantiated to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that once it is clear on what to do and why, it is also crucial to make myself completely aware of what is the consequence of not acting upon that realization, such as accumulating inner friction, doubt and shame – because it is clear what to do, it is clear how to do yet not doing it – that means there is something yet I am holding onto and thus have to understand – or simply I have to PUSH, MOVE and DIRECT.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that when walking through these specific resistances, even only writing about them, an inherent resistance can come up making me tired, sleepy, dull or edgy, overexcited – and it is an inherent, unconscious fear of change which I have to embrace, ground and familiarize myself with to see it as a challenge to enjoy, a virtue to own and as with any other skills or aspects of myself – the key is practice and experience.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the more I resist, the more difficult it will be to walk through, yet it is inevitable as the more I resist, the more inner friction I also will create and all I do is to accumulate avoidable and preventable uncomfortable conflict and losing time.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have defined entertainment and relaxation as distraction from facing and transcending resistances and allowing it to become an automatic self-balancing system and keeping me reacting, distracted; never giving up, yet never truly breaking through, thus containing the self-limitation due an un-worded unconscious fear.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that fear of change is what I have to be able to spot before participating in it, and not realizing that in order to be able to do that, I need to be honest with myself and write down the details of it thus it is out of my head, it is in front of me thus I do not need to think of it, yet knowing it as who I accepted myself to become.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that fear of change is fear of self, fear of life, fear of fear and thus whenever noticing resisting change, it is to slow myself down for a moment, take a deep breath and then move myself directly.
I forgive myself that I have not admitted that there is fear within me which I am not directly aware of, only by the resistances I experience, the inner friction starting to accumulate I am able to notice, thus re-definition is required.
When and as I am noticing inner friction within, a conflict, a fight, a struggle, I realize that I need to simplify within, to reach the state of clarity, from where it is obvious what I am going to do and how.
When and as I am doing things wherein I experience inner friction, conflict and reactions, it is my responsibility to word down and to figure out what I fear of, what I resist exactly and to forgive that, to embrace that moving forward from that point within structured, reality-aware practical application.
When and as I experience yawning and dull mental focus during facing my resistances, writing my blog, focusing to the points I am changing – I realize it is a resistance to face consequences and there is nothing to avoid that eventually, so it is my responsibility to assess the most direct yet doable way to do it, otherwise the problem, inner conflict will accumulate unnecessarily.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that when applying self-forgiveness, meaning writing, realizing, sounding it – there is a momentum of self-direction and presence what is supporting me to remain within this self-movement and thus it is common sense to connect and stay with this type of self-intimacy and self-support and accumulate self-trust and effectiveness further.
When and as I realize what to do about something and I can do it – I commit myself to move, to do a step, to plan, to structure and prepare myself to do it if necessary, to move forward and expand with change.
When and as I give into resistances of self-moving and change, I realize the lack of self-direction momentum and I give myself a break from what I do, take a breath, have a walk, lay down for a moment, making a tea, whatever to recollect myself and to realize – this resistance I am now going to walk through, no matter what, it is my responsibility to take care of this and no one will do it for me and if I do not apply the self-honest action I already know, I will create consequences, even if I would think it’s only about me, it is truly affecting others around me whether I admit it or not as it will influence my stand, my very existence.
When and as I fall into resistances and waste time with distractions and eventually picking myself up, I prevent myself from judging myself and direct my effort to accumulate actual change, writing, planning, preparation or a prevention.
I see, realize and understand that there is no mental or emotional mind pattern within me what I can not stop or transcend, and if seems challenging, I step back, decompose the pattern and work on it with accumulating effort until it’s done, it’s gone and I re-define, re-design and re-birth myself in and as the physical directly.
I commit myself to keep my notebook close and making notes, to ground myself, to keep my head light, to be able to know and remember without relying to thought cycles, to keep my direction steady without emotional energies and focus in effective action, practical common sense and reality-awareness.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not being able to differentiate with self-direction with force versus forcing myself through emotional and suppressed energy and thus not being able to truly push myself at moments when needing at resisting situations.
I commit myself to learn how to live the word PUSH and FORCE without the mind, without energy, but direct physical moment here, in presence and self-honesty.
I see, realize and understand that I can bring my awareness into and as my physical presence, movement and actions and move one breath at a time, stop patterns, reactions one breath at a time, just like when carrying a heavy bag to a distance and doing one more step, one after another and to discover what’s beyond my limitations and to also see what are inner, mental and emotional limitations versus actual, physical ones and thus get to know myself and the world better.
When and as I notice that I am accumulating energy within when applying PUSH-ing, I stop, I let go the energy, I realize there is fear behind it and I bring it to awareness of what I fear, how to deal with it and move with awareness, taking risks, having the leap of faith in myself.
I commit myself to learn how to continuously and consistently move myself without emotional energy, without fear, desire or reactions, judgments, polarity of the mind, but purely as physical action within clarity.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that clarity to live does not need to KNOW everything, but to know what I know and what I do not know and focus on effective action, instead of fear-supported paranoia-based over-complication of avoidance of failure.
Let’s learn about the suppression, emotional crystallization from these two awesome supporting videos:

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... -to-aware/

Continuing to explore the points I’ve started within my last post and to explore my suppression, some storytelling from childhood and how to approach changing with Desteni Process from being conscious to become aware.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... n-courage/

Foundation – physical body support: chin up, shoulders back, chest forward and straight spine.

It is actually tiresome, after my day often correcting and ‘holding’ my posture – my mid-back feels tired. But at the same time the advantages are obvious: more fluid breathing, physical presence awareness and actually less back pain during computer-related activities.
Mostly worked on my back pull, chest push today, tomorrow continuing with the shoulders pull and chin up – to hold and take time in these positions.

Still feels like I need to get back to normal to ‘rest’ from this tiresome action but it is really great and after only one day it is obvious that I need to gift myself this stance to become my position to always return to naturally.

What is the courage in this – to give myself the courage to keep standing in this posture in physically to support my stand in relation to myself, the world and my mind system to face and deal with anything comes at me, no matter what.

Some weight/body weight training to supports to strengthen the lower/mid back, needs to continue with the shoulder and chest strengthening. Some arm strengthening will also support to balance out the tension I put on to my arms – in general exercises support to release tension and become more relaxed and make the body the proper expression and to balance out the all-day office, at desk postures.

In general, I enjoy moving, dynamically shifting pace and various expressions and it is also a fine way to be with myself, finding inner silence, balance and clarity.

Nonetheless to say – oftentimes the best to combine it with listening to EQAFE interviews – they are the best to accumulate practical wisdom, no doubt.

I forgive myself that I have not realized the lack of courage I allowed myself to become in regarding to my physical stance, posture and expression through my back, shoulders, chest and chin points – what are supporting me to reflect back and correct within my starting point and expression.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that my current physical representation as of taking the straight and firm position making me tired after a while, also to live courage only being able to apply for a limited time before running out of energy as it is not natural self-expression, but of conditions what run out – instead of finding and living my effortless standing and expressions, effort here meaning no energy, feeling, emotion, thought involved to accumulate any variation of my standing or expression.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself within various situations what carry opportunities of courage to recognize and live, own and express, such as breaking through habits what limit me, what I fall into within automatic reactions and not supporting myself with the courage to be vulnerable to feel the experiences I resist during living courage to stop, to re-align and to start something new.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that my entire physical presence and expression is tainted with ingrained acceptance of lack of courage and that to change is going to take time thus it is not to do it with force and control, anger or any emotions, but without energy, planning, consideration and reality-awareness, slowly but surely accumulating to change day by day, following up that process with writing, self-forgiveness and self-commitments.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become this soldier within myself wanting to WIN and dominate, control and force myself from one experience to another instead of be gentle, intimate, loving and respecting with myself and within that to find the enjoyment and self-trust.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that my perfectionism what have accepted and allowed myself to show as general pattern within my approach to things and in overall Process of Self-realization is a sign and consequence of self-defeat and self-doubt and within that not admitting why not trusting myself and why not opening up the points I hold onto with self-judgement and being shameful, shy and so condescending to myself as it is genuinely proven that as not working tactic.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear from not pushing myself enough, not doing, not stopping, changing and expanding enough and thus wanting to force changing, out of reality, out of practical common sense and out from actual awareness of what’s within and without and thus creating friction, exhaustion and general positive and negative polarity experiences, instead of finding my balance within calm and consistent presence and not focus on the velocity of my progress, but the quality and consistency of it with always being specific of what is the goal here in this moment, on this day, within this scenario.
I commit myself to find realistic and direct specificity within writing and instead of trying and hoping, aligning with a ‘screenplay’ what is to always be absolutely specific, for instance, instead of ‘becoming great at work’ – to name the areas, kind of tasks, direct responsibilities, one by one and to see what that entails, required and have to do to own and become.
I commit myself to let go the emotional reaction-based planning, desiring and in general not specific goals, and always to see ahead up to a point what I can design an actual walk-able and measurable path to get there.
I commit myself to keep embracing, utilizing and trusting, caring for and enjoying my human physical body as who I am as life without separation.
I commit myself to continue with the re-alignment and re-designing of my presence, stance, expression within and as my human physical body to establish support and reference points to live courage and self-trust through aligning my back, shoulders, chin and chest until it is my natural expression without any extra effort.
I commit myself to assess and document my process of my physical body support alignment and within that accumulating understanding and experience.
Explore EQAFE – one of a kind exceptional support on self-expansion and general knowledge about the world.

Here are many reviews of those EQAFE Interviews.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... essential/

What I really love about DIP ( Desteni I Process) Pro course is that every week it opens up so many points within me, my life(in relation to who I am with, the world, etc) what I can investigate, re-align and forgive so then I can become more honest with myself, which will result in more substantial change towards potentials I only imagined before.

Not always writing about the points opening up in those chats/lessons/assignments here, but each worth sharing actually. It would be so strange to imagine my life living without this supporting pillar being here for me all the time.

Another huge support, a pillar from titanium-steel-diamond so to speak (of it’s strength to symbolize) is EQAFE. It’s vast library about the history of the mind, creation, energy, consciousness, human body, nature and in general anything you name it from parenting to animals, from addictions to money management – it’s just literally unthinkable how much applicable wisdom it contains.

Usually I close my blog posts about these to highly recommend to invest time and effort into these two, but this time I start with it, because it is phenomenal.

It’s fair to say that the whole DESTENI platform has it’s own characteristic, style and taste so to speak which some might do not enjoy at first trial, the methods, the structure and way of the support it recommends can be resistible and justifiably avoidable, for instance who wants to listen hours of audio books or who actually wants to spend an hour writing daily for so called self-introspection and self-development in this high-paced, gadget-oriented visual-stimulation-consuming era?

Writing is key – no one can deny that, if anyone wants real results within development, healing or expansion in any specialization, it is unavoidable.

If we look at how this world system has been built up, from it’s building blocks, it is all by writing.

The language itself what consists of our mind, the very perception and way we think, feel, speak and act: based on words.

The very law what all countries use to remain stable is also written by people, explained by more words and whole sub-systems built around those laws, all formed by written words.

Any music, songs, films and movies – they all have written down by the letter(music is called score but also explained by words).

All businesses, systems in this world have been defined by written words – any machine more complicated than lighter have been programmed by words so to speak – implemented by transistors, processors containing sets of words to be able to define their algorithm, behavior and artificial intelligence.

Anyone wants to understand themselves or the world, wants to make sense and become effective of this world has to become effective with written word. Period.

That’s why it is so underestimated, to write, write and write, as much as one can, specifically aiming for further understanding, documenting, exploring and aligning inner and outer realities.

Writing fiction is also fine, just it might be entertaining but those might not give as much within self-growth and self-change.

Why so much focus on self-change, one might ask, we all have weaknesses and strengths – it is because it is essential to question our own perception, judgement and behavior – because when we look at these, it’s to realize, we got them, we accepted them, we protected them forever, regardless of them being the possibly best version of what we could have.

Who am I to question faith, my destiny and the whole creation, one might ask? Free will it is the answer one also might add – is it really free? Or is it merely consequential and pre-programmed? To truly create something new in this world is barely happening – everything unfolds from what is already here – some might mimic nature or improve other’s existing creations – but within all this the key is to realize – the only thing I can create as truly new is to live within self-honesty to unlock a potential within me I never yet did.

So that’s a point to WHY to write, investigate, question and answer to myself every day, because the WHO AM I is who I accept myself to be in this moment and from now on.

And when I see that there is self-judgement, shame, resistance, fear, justification, blame – it is all self-dis-empowerment adding up to a set of dimensions consisting to become who I am today. And each and every single of those can be investigated by writing.

It is challenging for sure, especially at the beginning and one might need a hand to hold our hand for it – by the way that’s called Desteni I Process ( the FREE Lite course as introductory and the more advanced, more direct PRO courses) – because there are key aspects to understand of how the mind works.

Because once one understands how justification, blame, self-sabotage works, then becomes to see those patterns before participating within them by recognizing the trigger points, the key words one holds onto within self-definition, reaction and self-dishonesty.

Within my elementary, high and higher education there was not much writing – neither of creative or self-introspective writing involved. Such a mistake. If one investigates how really rich people educate their children, it is way more around vocabulary, the written and spoken word than what the system provides for free to the masses.
No wonder those rich kids become much more effective navigating, directing and accomplishing within the world system, of course by added their advantageous financial situation as well.

Anyone has any problem, I always recommend: START WRITING! It is literally free and makes one more free from the prison of their mind if done properly.

I feel gratefulness and honor that I’ve been shown how to support and stabilize myself through self-forgiveness and self-corrective writing within structure and measurable progress. The best thing ever!

Even though one would think, I am not a writer, I am better with my art, dancing, sports, music, parenting, profession, etc – it is justification. Any of those are simply occupations besides being a human, having a mind, programmed and operating by and as words, thus writing can support to weaken weaknesses and strengthen strengths.

If I would be in charge of influencing mainstream schooling, I’d definitely add more writing and with more punctuation to how the mind works, how to overcome emotional instability, how to utilize one’s mind with clarity, self-trust and creative self-creation.

Desteni material itself can be seem as quite controversial, because it’s topics, it’s unusual alternate perspective of our creation, history and structure of existence, but it all starts to make sense if one can put together the puzzles with practical common sense.

For instance I am re-listening MYKEY series at EQAFE – how demons existed before, who they were and why, how they become what they were and how they were able to transcend their limitations and align with the principle of what is best for all.
It’s fascinating – even if one does not believe it is real – the insights, the observations this series shares are basically essential to understand how the human mind operates and how to be able to improve it.

eqafe-1There is so much people do not know about it – and my life always have been to put those puzzles together and EQAFE really supports with that. Of course it’s not just biological evolution from monkeys to humans and of course it’s not just the bearded god dude, who listens to every follower’s pray to answer some of those while utterly witness billions of beings to suffer every day. Of course it’s not just that reincarnation and the souls, the hierarchy of control beyond of this dimension, and of course it’s not just alien races with their spaceships. Or reptilians, Atlantis, paranormal events – everything has some truth yet all we have to be known is a lie.

I used to spend tremendous effort to put the puzzle together about the history of mankind – hunted old books, transcriptions; visited ancient places around the globe, studied cultures, alternate views, conspiracies; went into various mind-trance states, meditations and some info was always missing and eventually EQAFE assisted to grasp these topics with common sense and to clear out my vision to see what’s relevant of all those and being able to focus what’s relevant here in my life. Priceless!

And to be able to anchor oneself among all these confusing topics by the awesome EQAFE series, to be able to focus BACK TO SELF is what matters to be able to take the responsibility what most of us deny and run away from, due to lack of self-empowerment, self-trust and confusion.

How easy to accept an involuntary angry reaction, a stupid semi-racist judgement, to deny an obvious self-abusing sign or not to stand up while being bullied at work or home in the name of fear of loss, fear of fear, etc. And the most dangerous ignorance is what we do not know about, because we never realize that we have become the lie, even if it’s just the slightest, ‘white’ lie – everything accumulates, manifests and comes back at us eventually. So it’s literally about prevention as it’s the best cure, to break the cycles of delusion, brainwashing, limitation and enslavement by our mind, by money, by energy.

It’s okay to acknowledge that we have scars inside, stupid habits, unrealistic fears, desires, addictions or fixations – we all are flawed, but everyone can change. If someone can’t change – they have not yet lived and thus their death will be kind of meaningless, because it’s just systems what will die. No offense.

Real Life is to Change and walk into the Unknown which is Self.

That is why to dedicate one’s days here worth to Birth Life from the Physical, which is what is best for all. It might seem like a political slogan, but it is not political, neither religious, nor spiritual or scientific. It is simply common sense.

So that is all for now, in this post I just wanted to express and clarify why I keep meaning that it is crucial to utilize DIP and EQAFE for deeper and more practical understanding of ourselves and this world, which I keep committing myself to do and share.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... y-parents/

Finding out Why Self-soldiering is self-sabotage?

This is going to be a storytelling-type of writing.

During one of my recent DIP course chats something became quite obvious and supportive about my approach to myself and in overall about the whole character of my Process of Self-realization.

I oftentimes do communicate with myself as to a soldier at war. What I mean by that? Using language of very firm, rigid and disciplined way, one almost can perceive the dominant and commanding personality within it. Kind of paints a picture of me being this monk-style robo-mind-samurai, or at least how I approach wording to ask and answer-, in general to communicate with myself.

It’s worth to open that up, especially, because when M. pointed that out in our chat, I immediately added that in real life I am not really like that, especially among others, neither in my approach, expression or communication. Yet this type of ‘self-disciplining’ still being carried as a signature within my writings.

What’s behind of this and why is this harsh style when establishing and clarifying points during self-communication?

Of course, it’s not always the case, but it’s definitely worth to spend time with to specify and re-align.

There are assumptions, already noted insights, however it is important to keep tabs on those to connect more dots together as they can reveal much more under the surface.

Self-judgement, shame and self-doubt are notable immediately, meaning I can judge myself of not doing enough, not being good enough and in general doing stupid things or not doing things I should do.
That judgement can escalate to this kind of subconscious shame of what I have done and why I have not yet completely changed that aspect of myself already. At certain situations what this can result to is that within my tone and choice of words I need absolute and firm power to control those (judged, out of ‘CONTROL’) aspects of myself in order to apply the correction I want to be and become within my living expression.

These are the opening points what are going to be walked further, to dig deeper with self-forgiveness now by wording awareness and responsibility for what I have been accepting and allowing thus far in my life with the recognition that I can do better and more effectively.

At last but not least, to actually self-love – not only by cool gadgets, car parts or music instruments(as oftentimes these are being identified as things to fetch/being excited about) but to see what can be directly lived as words without anything but who I am here.

So – going to rant around several angles – also demon-strating that mind and personality can be investigated from any dimension, and thus self-honesty and realization is always personal and at the same time absolutely impersonal as everyone has the same mind just being depicted with different pictures and words, but at the core it’s all the same, we are all the same, equal, whether we deny it or not, some can see and feel it, some don’t, but it’s still a fact.

So – starting from childhood, my dad and clothing.

I always had this admiration to fighters, soldiers since childhood and would be futile to deny this sort of connection with those kind of people – certainly my looks, pragmatic behavior and in general sort of stoic approach to the ups and downs of life, undemanding lifestyle(except gadgets, car and music instruments – worth to investigate of those choices there, maybe later).

My father was like that as well, he used to be border patrol when I was tiny, motorbike with sidecar, machine gun and always wearing military pants with all kinds of knives and toys in it.

It’s just so comfortable to wear those pants – from desert to forest, from snow to rain, city or village – they are just durable, comfortable with huge pockets and it just does not seem to have any sober sense why someone would not want to wear something like that all the time.

Since some years I’ve pushed myself to wear ‘more normal’ pants, but only for not to be profiled at airports and in cities and thus being harassed by law enforcement unnecessarily. When I had longer hair and these pants – I was searched by police so many times, it’s just so discriminating to be in extremely practical clothes in densely civilized places. Strange…Anyway, at home and when being ‘casual’ I always enjoy being practical with clothing.

As kid I used to assemble model fighter jets, had tons of toy soldiers, guns, swords, weapons and read about these topics for years. In fact I had to be really resistant to be able to avoid the military service, what was mandatory when I was younger.
I was enlisted 7 times to the army and each time I had to find something new and more stronger excuse to avoid it, because although these things are so fascinating, the technology, the agility and gadgets and tools in the military – I truly despise any and all aggression and wars, slavery and deliberate abuse from the core of my beingness with infinite consistency.

After university I strayed to a path of spirituality and psychedelic drugs for several years and even that I did with casual yet pretty obsessive persistence and perseverance, meaning when I was looking at the candle for hours, there was nothing what could distract me except my crazy mind itself distracting me to connect with myself directly…

Although taking high dose of psychedelic drugs as new situations, social events, I’d say it is extremely uncomfortable but as I believed this is what will make me better, I did it for so many times – because I perceived it as a training, a work, a job what has to be done, to face all my shit and become better.

Eventually after quite some years I’ve found my limits with spirituality and drugs and it was not obvious at first as self-honesty started like a tiny sprout but grew day by day and all of a sudden I realized – I am not growing, I am stuck with the same patterns in circles, so I need to keep exploring to reach out to new things, ways, understanding, people.

That’s how I found Desteni and it’s tools, process and the self-forgiveness. Dimensions and all the story, people with it.
Undeniably it was the most mind-blowing thing to realize that everything is on me now, I need to move, change and transcend.
So I started to write self-forgiveness, to release all the emotional turmoil, suppression and delusions I accumulated and carried on.

After years, when I had my daily sessions with my resonances through Desteni Portal at the farm, I’ve been told what I always felt somewhere, that in my previous existence was at many wars and I lived through many.

Some years ago I was the cameraman of an interview done with a veteran sniper, who went to Kobane, Syria, to help liberating it from ISIS with the Kurd’s and the guy was quite incredible, but at the same time insane as well, but still, he very much reminded me to my dad and it was so easy to relate with him on so many levels.

When he described his every day life, how they were cooking while also shooting from their posts and how casually he described to live in war and taking down enemy soldiers one after another. It was not like in most movies, but it is something how I can also see life – how direct, raw and unforgiving can reality escalate to in any second and yet one – you – me – still have to make decisions and life goes on, no matter what. Or it does not but still – that is a choice, which we might not be able to make, so the best seems to be to focus on things we can influence, direct and to just do our best.

Because there just might not be tomorrow. We are at war or not – irrelevant – a car crash, a thunder, a piano falling out from a balcony, a mad bison suddenly rams you over and all opportunities, dreams, plans and desires are gone. SNAP.

So I really appreciate the opportunity being presented here in this life, because although in theory life is precious,- in fact in this system, on this planet it is also kind of cheap.

That attitude right there what is a part of the polarity, why I can be so harsh with myself when I literally do the opposite of that – wasting time, opportunity and effort.

I guess everyone does that, just I can really inflate those in my mind and use it as a bully based on that fear. Not fear of death, but that not worded fear of not yet accomplished.
That’s a big word, what I mean by that is to be able to consistently live without wasting opportunities and do my best, just simply: all the fracking time!

Sounds kind of as a ridiculous expectation.

My mom was also expecting a lot from me in school, our grades were from 1-5, 5 being the best, so when I got a rate of 4 – she seemed pissed and kind of furious sometimes, because she was afraid that I might end up working in a factory – down there with the assembly line, just like her – if I do not push more.

My dad had this stoic approach that – why, son, why bother, we can die at any time – he kept asking my mom, who wanted color TV, water tap and toilet in the house during the ‘socialism’ – why you keep wanting more all the time? Why not being ever satisfied?

So I often felt I am caught in between of them – keep striving for ever more yet also being this guy who wants to live in the sudden moment when the reaper comes.

My mom was also very firm and bossy, at her work, in her relationships and with herself as well, she was able to direct people who were kind of scary, and I always felt like my natural expression is to keep rebelling her no matter what as otherwise I would be just directed by her all the time. From the Alien movies, Ripley reminded to her pretty much, so my longest time relationship with a lady, E., who is similar to this kind of character. I guess it’s not coincidence.
And then actually how often I did make that ex-girlfriend of mine react – and now realizing, my father did the same thing with my mom…

It’s just the idea that my father was able to piss her off so much with simple things kind of made me chuckle for some weird reason, although I kind of realized soon that my father ended up being a loser. My mom was always horrified that I could end up something like him, and in my gestures, physical presentation I am about 90% of him, so that also did not help there. Luckily, my life did not go that way where my father ended up dying with. Anyway.

I never realized the extent of those two people influenced who I am today. Of course, we all know, parents, but until one does not sit down and communicates about without judgments, it’s never that obvious. Specificity is always key.

And my own journey, what spiraled out from this family drama – including my parents with and between my grandparents – at some point I had to make a – seemingly rude and cold – decision to simply separate myself in my mind from my family as they seemed to be so downward spiraling in some sort of cheap soap-opera-like dramatic vortex with consistent arguments, fights, alcohol and hurt mixed up with being very poor and emotionally unstable.

Of course, this self-defined wall of separation from my family mind-set later faded to a certain extent as I found my feet in the world, more specifically: my own salary and financial independence.

So quite early I’ve developed a surreal level of ambition. It literally felt like endless energy, I would even assume, that could be referred as the power of the dark side in the Star wars games, because it seems truly powerful. Yet most self-and others-abusive as well. Just I did not know that then. Neither that this is kind of the mastery of self-interest, referred as the dark side.

Well, not literally, I did not end up killing young jedi kids, but to be honest, oftentimes with some friends we were enjoying some weird twist of energetic reactions by talking about creepy stuff, like massacring people. That seemed weird. Not that I ever tortured anything or anyone, except in a silly getting to the nerves of my sister by my cringe humor – it’s just when people are powerless and emotional, they think and say stupid things for feeling better momentarily.

To be fair – it does not really matter which direction someone taps in the mind’s energy vampirism, negative or positive – it’s all the same. When you keep imagining beautiful and harmonic, blissful, rainbow-sparkling mandala fields or only focusing to the ‘positive’ – it is just as effective self-fuckery as the negative, because delusion is delusion anyway. We suck our own life-force of the physical to fuel this mind-prison of perception just to not experience the cruel and raw reality within and around us, ending up not being able to even perceive what is really going on, thus obviously losing any chance to take responsibility for it or be able to actually change it or ourselves.

Anyway, I always wanted to control myself to not being self-sabotaged by emotions, as they literally blinded my greatly self-appreciated clinically clean logical processing, but this ended up creating a lot of suppression, what periodically and naturally peaked into mind-possessions and sort of emotional rages as there is only so much the body and mind can take.

And after that I felt shameful, shy and defeated, so that resulted into even more ambition and desire to be free of this shit in me, this loop of lack of self-control.

I have some ideas about this beast inside of me and I know it’s power, it seems immense, and this knowledge itself can cause possession within people, although I was glad to let that go by the age of 22, about 17 years ago. And that beast I do not really dramatize, that’s like a trapped animal, what luckily I learned how to tame and embrace more or less.

The residue, the refraction’s of my past, after 10 years of walking desteni process of self-realization and self-forgiveness with writing and sounding words in responsibility is that at times I fall back into this cycle of perception and experience of beast vs tamer, lack of and total control.

And it’s of course about self-trust, self-love and self-respect, but again – without specificity, it’s like when someone says – I want to make a blockbuster movie, ‘has to be an awesome action movie with philosophy and beauty, drama and fun’ – no one can make that by this little of specificity – everything has to be specifically understood from the smallest scene from bottom to top, what is on scene, where, how and why, what is the light, the motion, the mood, the actors, the props, the camera – and it’s often not being taken at first shot, needs to repeat at 5, 10, 30 times until it’s the one!
So they rely on screenplay, script, planning, orchestration, reality-awareness.
Although everything is fake, made-up and make-belief – what is in front of camera has to be with absolute direction in reality. Reproduce-able and sort of effortless. Well, optimally.

Same with self-expression, change and self-realization. It’s not just ‘I forgive myself for doing stupid shit, from now on I want to be the best of myself’ – one has to be really specific.

I am doing this self-digging because of the way my process is, the self-soldiering is just not effective and not quite enjoyable in particular at some times. Too much effort on this power-play, control and raw force, what with is difficult to be very specific.

Of course, sometimes one goes with the flow but that works better when there is self-trust established and when it’s not, it’s common sense to become that at first, which means to prevent going into the same old self-doubt, self-judgment, self-sabotaging loops.

And for those, one has to investigate one’s life, every day living, situations, inner reactions, to be able to see EXACTLY the physical timeline with clarity on inner reality, experiences, cross-referenced with body, physical experiences, with outside reality, others and to see what is self-honest, what is self-dishonest and act accordingly.

So that’s just fascinating – movies are cool, but our own life hides and contains so much to discover and explore, regardless of who we are, where we are, what we do.

If I list up how many self-definition loops I’ve went through already in my life, who I defined myself to be and then moved along and never again – it’s truly ridiculous and in fact funny to consider that my current state would be already the one and final of who I always will remain to be. So that can give a sort of natural hint of self-introspection that I should be more critical about who I accept myself to be today or who I plan to become tomorrow, and then by investigating how exactly.

So that’s it for now about self-soldiering and why it’s time to let go that – and in the next post will continue with self-forgiveness, self-commitment and self-corrective statements.

One more thing to add – this EXCEPTIONAL support what really clicks to this story of mine is about the NEUTRAL state of the mind. Should be taught in elementary schools. Definitely will do blog/vlog about that in relation to my life later. ... n-part-115

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... er-within/
Continuing from my last post where I ranted about why I apply self-bully basically within my writings towards myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I need to control and dominate myself because otherwise I would get loose, like a beast who can not be trusted, thus needs to be firm and direct in the sense of no bullshit, no fun, like when taming a wild animal and not realizing that this is originating from self-judgement and shame and common sense is to face those self-definitions and let go and cross-reference perceptions with facts.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed the belief that my inherent nature is a beast without any sense of what’s good or bad as consumed in self-interest and thus I need morality and control, suppression and fear to prevent manifesting bad and evil actions, instead of realizing that the very self-definition I manipulate myself into control is a result of a fear and doubt from me, from me accepting myself as originally tainted, infected and infested with evil; instead of realizing that this is only a symptom and result of brainwashing and not being able to stand up to my own self-created and accepted self-dishonesty in relation to my own thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to believe that the more firmly and brutally direct/control – myself, the results of self-betterment will be also more advanced and not realizing the whole dynamic behind this, such as starting point as fear, self-separation, self-manipulation, self-delusion to start with.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I want to use force, energy and manipulation to direct myself, which accepts and prolongs to exist me within self-separation as the assumption by default is that I can not directly move and orchestrate aspects of myself, but I need to apply force to control, just like machines and robots around me, being separated from me and within that not realizing that the solution is to slow down and prevent myself keeping up with the judgments, the assumptions, the definitions and using my thoughts, feelings and emotions to tell me how I feel, what I should do and how I should be – instead just embrace and move as one and equal with and as my body, mind and beingness.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that there is an inherent fear behind forcing myself and not trusting myself and thus I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself that I can be gentle and direct with myself yet effective and moving, and not to realize that an aspect of myself I only can’t direct as myself as one and equal, if there is self-separation manifested by self-judgement, fear and self-definition, thus the solution is to prevent myself going into those patterns while keep learning to express myself in and as the physical, one breath at a time and when making mistakes, to remain present and understand reality.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the wording I utilize within communicating with myself, especially in writing – is not the most supportive way, because I rely on energy, force, power and dominance, control and pressure, which means still accepting self-dishonest, self-sabotaging patterns and trying to break through, fight and win over those, instead of focusing on PREVENTING to participate within them, for what, I need to be aware of them exactly in utmost detail in order to be able to foresee a situation/circumstance to be able to recognize that ‘I’ve been down on this path before and it’s not supportive, let’s STOP and try something else, new’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that soldiers are cool, because they seem strong and durable, they can win and they are brave, not realizing that they are literally soul-diers, meaning their life is degenerated to be a pawn of someone else’s war and the possibly reason why they acclimatize themselves as ‘normal’ during war is their psychological issues which they did not yet learn how to face and transcend, thus not being able to stand up to a system forcing people to fight and kill each other for money, resources, consciousness memes, religious and ideological wars, the accumulated consequence of millions of individuals self-accepted inner wars on the level of their polarity-based-energetic mind through thoughts, feelings and emotions.
I forgive myself that I have not realized how fighting and battling wars within myself is the same as wars outside of me in this world, and how my acceptance within is unconsciously manifesting acceptance of war in this world and also accepting the mentality of wanting to dominate, control, win and destroy what is in my way, even if it’s my own manifested patterns, behavior, thoughts, feelings and emotions, my physical body, for instance when being possessed with something to do what obviously abuses or harms my human physical body, such as over-eating, over-fasting, drugs, alcohol, self-harm, existing in constant anxiety and fear, etc.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the inherent need for conflict and fight, the feeling to have for winning and being right is an energetic addiction what I accept and allow, without asking how and why I ended up being a slave to my mind with the delusion of me being in control and freedom.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the simplicity of prevention as being the best cure when it comes to participating in my energetic mind, because it is already proven, understood and being obvious that I am much more present, stable, efficient and well-being when there is no friction within my mind, there is no thought, feeling or emotion what can distract and separate me expressing LIVING in and as the flesh directly.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the extent of copying my parents within my personality, behavior, self-definitions and opinions, and thus not recognizing them or even if doing so, justifying to hold onto instead of cross-referencing with facts, just because of this energetic experience what can tune my attitude, attention and attraction towards wanting to be right, to avoid any case of being wrong, because then I would fear that my automatic mind, – which is superior than me, as can make decisions without me knowing or being able to say no – so then my mind would define me being wrong, losing, weak and then going down towards self-hatred, defining myself to be miserable, fucked and lost – instead of learning the specificity of my mind-energy-word-polarity patterns with understanding the real world trigger points to be able to prevent them with effective breathing in physical awareness and presence.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my parents being fucked up in the head yet not realizing that I carry the same energetic signature and self-definitions as them just not being aware of it, thus not even seeing when participating in those thoughts, feelings, emotions and not being able to say NO and STOP.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that fighting myself equals self-defeat in all ways, as no matter how or what I achieve the experience of winning, some part of me is ending up losing – it’s common sense, thus it’s to realize the judgement point of self-separation.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the fear of lost control and wanting to introduce more control, more firm grip, more direct power to aspect and areas of self-doubt, yet not realizing the extent of delusion that with more control I would achieve perfect direction, because there is only limited amount of energy and attention is available to control some parts of me and thus in this way there always will be some part ‘straying away’, doing stuff I want to fight and control.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the futility of self-control and self-dominance as not realizing that this is not the best practical way, but it is to go through all aspects of myself and one by one, purify, liberate and forgive myself for any definition, doubt, fear or separation, to prevent myself to go into energetic patterns manifested by words of thoughts, feelings, emotions what would charge me into battles in myself, instead of being able to earn self-trust with awareness and practical action.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that the fear of making mistakes is the fear of discovering self thus the only way is to face all fears and let go, literally letting go the things I can’t direct and embracing with responsibility the all the things I can direct.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself the habit of self-punishment, self-doubt, self-hate and self-judgment when I make mistake, I do something wrong or not being able to get/achieve or do what I want – distracting myself with the emotion of frustration and anger, instead of remaining cool, present and enjoy the teaching presenting itself here, so then being able to learn, so being able to plan how to do next time for betterment.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to challenge myself at points of honestly being able to see points where I still did not yet change, but I know that I should – and not going into applying self-forgiveness immediately when seeing the point within, but to go down to that road again what I already know that will end up creating inner pressure by seeing what I do yet I should not do already – and not taking the courage to PUSH myself without energy – as that would mean being unconditional, stable and reliable self-movement and self-change.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that all self-control, self-bully and self-soldiering indicate inner fight, which indicates self-separation and energetic friction caused by accepted self-judgement, self-definition and polarity of good and bad based on self-interest and as fear.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I can start changing immediately when writing by working on using words more directly, within simplicity to work with my current actual reality, to ensure there is no energy involved, no polarity, no double standards (such as re-defining something by saying what not to do), instead of rather finding clarity and practical common sense with words as to recognize, the more simple and direct something is, the easier to live it as well.
Ok, so these words assist to place myself in more understanding situation when I would be triggered again to rely on control, inner fighting and friction to move me, instead of taking a moment to STOP – and see reality first, then move.

I am going to sound, say aloud these sentences to hear these words and to see if there is anything to specify, tune, add or re-align.

Remember, the greatest challenge to our mind is to be able to stand without the need for it, to stop it, but that requires true self-knowledge, as in the Matrix:

Don’t think you are, KNOW you are.

(I just can’t avoid quoting this from time to time as it’s so direct practical wisdom)

That means to be able to stand in this existence without any self-definition, polarity of good or bad, any interest to protect or save me but to stand with and as all exists. That means, in this lifetime placement to understand my past, embrace my present and have a direction towards a future wherein I stand as All Life in practical, tangible, earthly, in this world system effectiveness.

Will continue with self-corrective statements and self-commitments.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... oldiering/

Continuing from my last post of opening up points to realize and change.

When and as I want to control myself, when feeling the need for controlling myself, to have a grip on myself, to be harsh with myself, to command or dominate myself with force – I STOP, I realize I’ve been lost in my mind with fear, in polarity, through self-definition and energetic possession, thus I focus on my physical presence, breathing, to come back into and as physical, reality awareness and practical common sense by remembering that what I need is self-communication, self-embracing and self-direction with practical plan, consideration of facts and enjoyment within and of finding and expressing my presence HERE.

When and as I believe, think or being convinced that with forcing myself I am more effective or efficient, I realize that I become rigid and blunt, rude and lacking compassion towards myself, thus towards others as well – thus I drop the act and take the responsibility of re-aligning myself HERE.

When and as I fear of not being able to get done something, or when I fear that what I am currently doing will not succeed, I take a breath, a moment, stepping out of the box and to see what I can do, how can I assist and support myself in this, who I can ask assistance from, or what do I need to communicate with change of plans and doing that exactly, planning and directing with common sense.

When and as I see that I need to change plans and that affects others, I prevent myself going into worry of what others would think or react to me, fearing from facing stress and tension, conflict and friction – and to realize that the best what I can do is literally doing my best and to see how it goes and to learn from mistakes and to incorporate all the conditions, factors of reality as it is actually predictable that things change and plans need to be adjusted with time and when someone does not understands that and reacts – that’s their process to walk through, and all I can do is to stand firmly and share details of facts and knowledge of my best abilities.

When and as I worry that if I do not control myself, I would get lazy and hedonistic, self-centered and consumed with self-interest – I realize that those are symptoms for internal friction, judgement and definitions, what I need to prevent myself going into, thus the best I can do is to keep awareness of my judgement and friction points – words and walk the self-forgiveness.

When and as I judge myself and comparing my behavior, reactions with my parents and identifying a pattern with them, unconsciously blaming them, I see/realize/understand that it is only my responsibility to stop and change, thus I immediately focus on practical solution, real-time self-forgiveness and self-correction.

When and as I see the sense of stopping soldiering and controlling myself with force, I realize that the fear of falling to the other side, as laziness, becoming uncontrolled and thus lost is part of my self-created mind-energy-polarity self-equalizing system, what keeps me moving from conflict A through a temporally balance into conflict B, which I need to recognize and prevent by identifying the trigger points/situations/conditions/thoughts/feelings and emotions.

When and as I fear from losing my masculinity if I am not strong with myself – I realize that I need to re-align with the words, re-define them within myself as I am filled with polarity definitions on words, causing me automatically react and generate polarity/positive-negative energy when experiencing or expressing of such words.

Words to re-define: strong/strength, balance/equilibrium, ‘to get a grip on myself’, ‘power’.

When and as I start seeing physical/emotional/mental symptoms of doubt, anxiety, worry, I stop and stabilize myself with the awareness of within fear everything I participate within I taint and perceive through fear, thus I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to fear, to doubt myself and to fear from falling, failing and fear from manifested consequences.

When and as I feel stiff, physically, my stomach is contracted, my skin slightly sweating, having electric tension on it, when I feel my arm, wrist spending time in tension, in gripping, forcing unnecessarily, when my breath is shallow, when my chest is moving with breath, when I am no aware of what’s around me, when I do not feel the gravity, the weight of my body, it’s parts, when I am deadened by the loudness of my thoughts, or blinded by the energetic tension of feelings or emotions in my body and mind – I STOP. I STOP and I breathe. I breathe in, I take my time, I breathe out. I check – can I still stop something, what is moving within me, and if yes, then I continue STOPPING, until I am collected, I am present and I am me, here, directive and whole. Then I look at my reality awareness, my location within process, in this existence in this moment and then I make a decision and action of self-direction resulting in movement and action.
If it is challenging to see what’s the best approach with clarity, then I plan more, if there is no time, I consider with my current best efforts and take the risk and realize – even if I make mistake, even if I fall – who I am as Life – I do not fail until I realize, forgive and apply, re-align, stand up and change.

When and as I fear of becoming too soft and weak when not ‘self-soldiering’ myself, when I do not appear or pose, pretend or act as being firm, strong and serious – I realize that strength has nothing to do with those, but it is a living realization of who I am as life.

When and as I feel the need to appear strong, or stronger as I feel myself to be, I realize that it is to balance out a self-accepted weakness experience in my mind, it’s all not real, thus actually does not help, but keeps me accepting the already self-created pattern of doubt and fear – thus I STOP, I forgive and I change.

When and as I resist to apply self-forgiveness about this pattern of self-soldiering, feeling weak, wanting to be stronger, forcing or controlling myself or something without reality-awareness, compassion (towards myself and all participants here) and common sense – I STOP, I realize, I already know that this pattern is not only inferior but self-dishonest as well, thus I pronounce STOPPING with firm and direct self-movement without any energy, any association with positive or negative, just the realization that directly living is beyond polarity.

When and as I see that I do not spend my day according to my ideal plans/wishes, I realize, I can utilize planning and motivation, self-agreement and self-honesty.

to be continued…

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