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Day 822: What if/ I Should Have/ Could Have (Again)
Where the question is always; “And then what”? Interesting how the things we didn’t do in our life/ faced and/or brushed aside, brought us to this point to where we are now, in who we are today, but soon forget, that has all the relevance in the world to the process we walk/I’m walking, the why couldn’t I have a normal life, when the life I had was the normality in which I was raised, that brings up a comparison to others in my world back then I thought had it better off than me, adjacent to a religious ideology, that probably saved my life more than once, being that the neighborhood I grew up in wasn’t a bed of roses, but posed a threat on every corner, that missed me and passed me by because my curiosity was only interested in what was in the sky and in my mind, and so spent the majority of my time looking for a way to escape it, instead of attaching myself to it. And for that, the only thanks to religion that’s well worth it, because I’m Here speaking today.
What if’s, they never end, even if you know what you’re talking about it’s still a dreamscape from reality away from being here and right now, where the look back in hindsight is pretty bleak that I wanted to change and do over, with the idea that I would be better off in my life right now, back then and after the fact, (meaning before I started walking my process), I mean the pressure I put on myself to relive what I didn’t live and can’t do over again that was pretty prevalent in my mind, I let resonate through, over correcting the suppression I suppressed under the guise that everything was ok, while churning in my stomach the turmoil I would face and manifest into my tomorrow land, like going to sleep and waking up in a world of s***, while sticking to knowing there’s something there within me, but hadn’t found it and/or corrected as of yet.
For me, letting it all go is the name of the game, where for so long I’ve held onto these ‘What if’s’, instead of accepting my past for what it was, that played it’s role in who/what I am and have become today – that upon correction a breakthrough is imminent, but with No expectation =s thereof, therefore;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plague myself for so long with the ‘what if’s’ of my past, to think/perceive/believe if things would have been different for me, things would be better in my life today, negating the point of need, that my life/past needed to be this way in order for me to experience my way/world and reality with words as I am now, where all the emotional breakdowns, feelings of being left out and nobody really cares or loves me was an illusion, that opened the door for breaking down my problems through introspection and investigation what I face today, that I was able to discover self-care and love and give this to myself, enough to realize how I was cared for and loved, by a family who showed it in their own way, the only way they knew how to, that now a look back is no longer ‘what if’, but a gratitude to what I Lived through and so commit myself to let go of unconditionally, to no longer accept and allow myself to create a dreamscape around a life I created for me in my mind, as a ‘what if’, but to live the life I walked into.
What I should have done, was to erase the ‘should’ in things and accept the doings as they came, that some made me ashamed of, but still all me, as I am the one who experienced it, detail are not important, but what is, is seeing how I created in times the life I lead and with whom I would led into the idea of a life that I had to walk with me, while not knowing what life really is/was back then, I mean the past is important, it will always be with you, but interesting how we disregard the bad choices we’ve made for a mental correction in thought, stating “See I should have”… to cover up our mishaps and takes, that takes two to tango, but what am I really missing, but a feeling of wanting to go back to the “Good times” and tell oneself, I should have done more to make it work, instead of accepting the hindsight that things obviously worked out by life’s design, that showed me how to create and maintain a successful and fruitful relationships/partnership from here on out, which makes the should a correction point to correct and let go of unconditionally, therefore;
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to should have done this a long time ago, in letting go the moments of good feelings in past relationships when things were over, but time and time again, would beat myself up over the break up, stating ‘I should have’, done this, that or the other, to keep this feeling alive, in hopes that I could experience it one more time, then manipulate myself into thinking/believing things will be different, I promise, which is a point of “talking out of the side of my neck”, which is slang for making bulls*** up, which so made it hard for me to look/see and correct what I didn’t do but allowed for myself only within the relationship, to so upon correction let it go unconditionally, where I’ve always placed conditions on others but not myself, so when conditions was placed on me, I would rebel with the idea of control festering within me, and so should have stopped trolling around in my mind, separate from the relationship in fact, that I now commit myself to making my should haves a doing in the moment, within and as any relationship/partnership I get myself into, and no longer accept and allow myself to beat myself up over my past infractions, especially after correcting them.
What could I do, instead of could have done, when ‘could have’ is an idea in lack of self-trust If it was in the best interest of self as you/me to do something, that was thought about and seen as an option before hand in most cases, and some times “See man I could have”…, but didn’t and now it’s too late, to even waste a moment of thought on, and have to wait for the next time for this ‘Have’ to come around. Point for me being, to ground myself in acceptance of the way I did do what it was, and look to living the correction to what I saw beforehand and didn’t do and/or in hindsight that I was confused about, but now see would have worked the best for me, and any, if any was involved. To solve the case of the ‘could haves’ we have to embrace the point of changing our mind, in the reverse of it back, because if something feels so good to do in the moment it MAY NOT be best to do it the way we’re choosing to, that took thought to get to our choice, that now that we’ve made it, (especially if others are involved) become to embarrassed to change it or even claim that I was wrong for doing so and admit that, thing is with admittance the key through the door of change is given as self-permission to move through it, therefore;
I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to act on in the moment what ‘Self’ presents to me, as a way of doing things, that I disregard in lack of self-trust, thinking/perceiving/believing my way is easier and so invoke my way of doing things, to in hindsight say, ‘I could have’…, that’s a seeing without doing, where on the other hand, I forgive myself that I haven’t accepted and allowed myself to see and accept the gift within a mistake made, and so move to doing things differently the next time around (if so), but instead live as a bandit within the idea of, “See man I could have”…, as if I did see, but didn’t see, and or expect could happen and so now stuck within the case of the ‘could haves’, that now seeing/realizing/understanding the importance of admittance, accepting, embracing into correcting myself, I commit myself to take the opportunity to do so, when given by self to trust me when things seem complex, but if it feels so good and easy to do, question my decision, to make a corrected decision on something the first time around, to move gracefully into letting go of second guessing my Self, and into living the correction I’ve made on these points.
Thanks for reading.