Tormod's blogg

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tormod
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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 16 Aug 2019, 14:59

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... d-anxiety/

Day 838 – that cold anxiety


I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, for accepting self to stay in a form of anxiety during my day, where I start by feeling a bit cold, where I catch myself seeing and realizing that my body remembers having been cold before, like when I was sleeping on the streets, mostly in Amsterdam and Kiel (Germany) in 2011. Where I realize that what is happening in me, is that I judge those parts of me according to the memory of me sleeping on the streets, and I judge and separate from the parts of me that are cold and view those parts (my feet or my hands or anywhere) as lesser-then as inferior, or “bad” – from my memory of sleeping on the streets, and living without care for myself and without care for life – AND when my body remembers this – from the slightest cold, and I can see these physical memories of self inflicted abuse – on me – by me. I did it to myself. Because everyone needs a home, without a home there is a lesser life and a lesser living, where I feel shocked and terrified, scared for realizing what life I have lived on automation – AND I end up abandoning myself as a homeless (hobo) and I leave that hobo to himself – I separate from those parts of me that is a hobo – and then from the first coldness, I judge and separate it, and I abandon it – going into anxiety over it, also horrified (but even more a deep empowerment potential) to realize that it is all myself. I walk that physical experience into judging, separation, abandoning and into anxiety, doubt and fear – all of it made by self. Where I forgive myself as my beingness that I think I have to do this on automation – I am compelled to walk this systems of coldness, judging, separating, abandoning and into anxiety/emotions where I realize that is how I am programmed from parents, from TV, from school, from society and so on. AND I think to myself that wow (!) what a riddle this is – and what is it I have been living doing to myself – I have done this to myself – judging and abandoning me – and living in that memory of being a hobo, where I see for myself in the deepest gratitude over self forgiveness – the sole fact that I did make these memories – these stories – these words (!) (of trauma/ being a hobo) to myself – me being a hobo was self creation – and that makes it sooooo cool to simply for – give within myself – the judgment and separation of these constructs of my mind that have been holding me back in anxiety – simply from feeling a bit cold – and then the whole riddle would automatically play itself out again huh (!) – I just spotted that and – I am stopping it on its tracks now! If you can see and understand this – you can share the success (!) with me from investigating self with desteni.org I just understood a deep point of anxiety within self! That is awesome and empowering.

Did you understand it ? What about it do you not understand ?



This interview from the online library of eqafe sure have been of support:

https://eqafe.com/p/stand-your-ground-life-review



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tormod
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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 17 Aug 2019, 22:11

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... ress-here/

Day 839 – to express here


I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for comparing my reach and expression for what goes online – to that of another and to think that another is doing videos on certain topics and it looks good, so that means I need to do the same because that is best for all/looks good, where I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, for how I make my process into this religion where I feel I have to prove myself and do the same as another – only because I see it is popular – what another does. Within this I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to produce content 24/7 and that my process is dependent on me producing data/videos/blogs etc – on a constant basis and that if I do not do this – I have failed.

Within this I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for wanting to be seen, for wanting be noticed by others, for me to value the statistics and views as something special, and that I feel this deep craving for being seen and to have attention at me, where when this does not happen, I feel like nobody can see or appreciate me, I am not listened to, people can’t see me, I don’t feel liked, I feel like I am not seen – where what really matters is that I can appreciate me – much more important than expecting others to like me or my expression.

Where I I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail at taking into myself how I was not seen within a particular point in my past, being a very young child, where my expression was not see and not taken for real by my parents – my genuine expression as a toddler – was not seen or appreciated, and for me to struggle with this suppression and self judgment since, that later I have resonated like: “I am not seen” or listened to or heard – by others – I have always had to go into the very most extreme of expression – all in vain – because I was still not seen – simply because of my starting point and my experience of reacting, bashing and yelling, because my expression as a toddler – was not seen and considered – and for me to drag myself down, to judge myself and burry myself in this suppression of expression of self and later react to this memory – with going into the extreme expression – totally in vain.

Here I take a breath, and remind myself that I need to learn to listen to me – to my body – I need to learn to appreciate me – find my expression – to find my sane nature – dwell in the totality of me – which is again much more important than for others to hear me – or like me – I must learn to hear (here) myself.



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 02 Sep 2019, 18:24

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... 0-be-lame/

Day 840 – be lame


Lately there has been this deal, within me, very unspecified so, that has been lingering, something for me to ground, to understand, to make up with – for me to settle the score. And that something has been nothing else than blame.



I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for going into blame and going into judgement over things that I am trained/programmed into disliking, to news and components that I do not agree with, and I would slide and morph from blame to judgement like a gathering of crap within me, and I find myself “blaming the blame”, and judging myself over my past instead of correcting me – taking responsibility and living the change – that which I know – from my physical – that is best for all.



I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to get stuck at the design of blame and to feel like I am sucked into blame – on automation and I feel like I am so close to going into anger and frustration – lol so close that I am actually in it – where I end up with creating a conspiracy, simply blaming the blame – and getting nowhere. Within this I find that I need to ground this blame experience and this sort of projection “at others” to bring the design/projection here, and ask my physical in honesty : what is this and to follow up with asking what should I do with this (matter) – and then to be able to trust myself and trust the obvious, what is here.

And I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed the shadow within myself of what is the aftermath or result/consequence/wanted outcome of me blaming where I see that the shadow that lies within blame is simply what I expect to happen from me going into blame. And this “what I expect” of me going into blame is the cool deal for me to take in and digest & understand. Because blame is a real lack of self-responsibility. Blame is that what collapses life (Quote; Heavens Journey to Life) Blame is that crucial blow to life. A definite abdication of responsibility. So, this is what I need to understand; how me being trained at projecting blame and sending out blame, that is in actual matter – me (in that moment of reaction) being trained at expecting my view/like/ego to be served – from dictator me – from me blaming that other that I do not like. In other words – I project at the other – blame, were I expect to see change and “my way” – from/because of me first projecting blame. Therefor within this I see that I can ground this into myself – into my flesh – my being – by bringing the reason why I project the blame and bring that lack of responsibility – back to myself – and ask : ok what can I do to improve this situation – what action can I take in this moment – to do the OPPOSITE of blaming – to embrace – and train myself in listening to my body – communicating/voicing itself to me – and act on it.



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 04 Sep 2019, 17:32

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... bout-time/


Day 841 – it’s about time


I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I fail at understanding a dimension or a system, simply because something is “new” and I don’t know or have not familiarized enough with the circumstances and had time to become comfortable enough within my understanding of an issue, and I forgive myself, my beingness, my innocence, for letting myself go bashing – judging into blame, anger, hopelessness, fear and anxiety from me not understanding me. Within this lies the concept of slowing down and taking time to see – me and to take time to understand me – to write out my mind to ease of – and understand that life will only support me as much as am willing to support myself, and at the moment there is time for me to work on myself while manifested consequences still play out in the matrix world – things are coming to terms – a rain/raising of awareness – until we realize slowly but surely that we are here – all – to empower our self through self-forgiveness and that there is no way around that for anyone – or anything. That is what all the prophets was talking about and its about no one else than self – who we are in thought, word and deed – the mind, being and body relationship.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up and to complain and moan at myself and to feed the thoughts that say “Oh, now I am so old and sick”, ”I am not of any worth” or “I should just roll over and die” – kind of thinking where I fail to see the big picture where I can say that, ok I rather give up on the giving up – instead of giving up my living. I give up the dying lol – the withdrawal and the moaning – and rather focus on living, applying and doing – making the best of my time here and I realize that the best way to do that is not through pushing and forcing – but with grace – slowing down and to go easy with myself – to give time to me.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that there is no time, and I should be careful with how I spend my time. I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for the feeling like time is running out, time is against me – when it is me who is running out on stress and anxiety, and it is me who is against myself it is me who is the “late so &so” and the one that is inferior to myself to life – because time is universal and invisible – time is that which I have defined as to: tie me (down) and to belittle myself in my own thinking and my own life – because I believe “there is no time” – hello !! there is time !! : it is me who is not present – It is me who is not giving me time – here – in understanding of me with grace, calmness, integrity and honesty.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect or hope for something better, for Jesus to come surfing on a cloud to save us all, for that big magic moment to turn everything around, but that is not realistic, instead I must find in myself the reason that I have to be, and to express, to be my best version of me, to strive to be better, to be more of me, try out new things and be prepared for the worst.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to plan ahead because of this tiny voice inside of me that says : “Its not worth it”, “It’s never going to work”, or “ Just give up the sooner the better” – where all this resistance is showing itself, and I feel like – again – giving up – but rather take a breathe and get at it again – to realize that I have a almost unlimited possibility of creating me – it’s about me giving me directions and clarity. And its about time.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for not giving myself the sufficient time for guiding, clarity and directing through writing and specificity of my living, where I take it onto myself to edit and modify my goals to fine tune what my daily goals are, my middle and my long time goals in my life.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like time is looking me out – that time is the “bad guy”, where it is me who have separated from me – and caused a wreck of myself – It is me who have abandoned me – and I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to use time to suppress myself to suppress my hurt – the things I did not understand – or could not talk about.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to use time as a tool to suppress.



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 05 Sep 2019, 16:33

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... ew-canvas/


Day 842 – a new canvas



I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for living in a state of fear of starting on a “blank canvas” – to face the opportunity of a new start, a new creation and beginning, where I fear to make mistakes and to screw up – because I have done that so many times before. Within this I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the many fundaments of support that are here, that I have discovered, that I have incorporated, that I have made mine, and that can serve me and support me – they are here for me – that I tend to ignore all the support systems, because I get so hung up in different emotions and reactions to my past mistakes and then chose to live in fear.



I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to let go of my past – where I find some reason to always pick and judge over my past – like it is never good enough and I believe that life have to be hard and stressful, where I fail to see myself and my creation opportunity here – with starting to colour and create on a new canvas – that it is here for me to create and at the same time discover myself as this new canvas.



I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider or take into me – the systems and applications of support that are here, that I often forget I have and that is a part of me and who I am, where I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to see many of these systems as something to feel shame over – that I would be shamed and embarrassed over using for example, self-forgiveness.



I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear to face that clean, open, blank new start of something for me to dive into and create, and as much as I look forward to creating and building – I fear to make the first move/touch and put my mark on something – since I fear to make mistakes and I fear to be judged.



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 07 Sep 2019, 13:22

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... ar-system/


Day 843 – Religious fear system



So, what I am currently working on to GROUND within myself is the religious construct that I have created – where I look at process as my god/my deity. My desteni I process have become my religion. And I do not like that, because it has been compromising my choices and my living.



The remarkable Andrea Rossouw from Quantum Change Kinesiology have been assisting me through this for some weeks now, and we have been going through lots of memories and stories, writings, mathematics and realisations to get to here. We are still not done. Some of the most important is for me to understand this. To ground it.

To release the energy addiction within me – I am using self forgiveness.

Here is a snippet of my work.



I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fall into the idea of holding my process to be a religion – as my god. Meaning I would relate to my desteni I process as my god and my deity, where I would use my fear of falling back into schizophrenia – to use this fear-entity – as fuel for my religious construct of holding my process as my god/religion thinking I must do well in process to serve my “god” and to act and do what I believe my “god” (the process, DIP impressions, the portal etc) wanted me to.



And I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being able to see and distinguish between my choices in my living – on what choices that are based on religious fear, meaning I must do “this” to please my god/process , or if I do something out of enjoyment. Where I want to be at doing and living my life – out of enjoyment and not on my believes of what an imaginary god/deity wants me to (out of fear).



I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for not being able to see the difference between doing something from wanting to please my religious system – to do something out of wanting to serve my god/process, OR if I chose to do somthing because I like to do it and I would enjoy it. And for me to understand this difference – with making a choice of action/doing – in doing it from starting point of fear – or out of enjoyment– that is where I want to be at – that kind of understanding of myself and my living.



If I do something out of trying to please my religious construct – then the starting point – of me doing something – is fear (stemming from fear of schizophrenia)



Perhaps I want to simply ask myself – before making a decision on something – what is my starting point of doing “this” (?) ; is it in fear (of schizophrenia) and in service of pleasing my religious construct and doing what is “right” according to my “god” – or is it something I chose to do from me simply wanting to be enjoying myself in doing it (?)

Often, I find that both the religious fear system and the enjoyment might show itself as drivers to what I am about to do. Then I must figure out if the fear is something I can forgive and let go of, and then enjoy the activity quite simply, or if the fear and religious system is very dominant, present and strong, and it seam that I would do something from wanting to please others, like my process. Then I can find something else to do, and remember to forgive the believe of needing to serve my deity and rather ground the math within me, understand my inside and change.



I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my schizophrenia was to reboot itself from me fearing to fail in process – because I had made my process my religion. Meaning I went in to hard, I made it my religion, and there for I also fear for process to dump me – because of overdoing. And then there are 2 fears lingering, one is the fear of awakening my schizophrenia and then this is doubled by fear (and anxiety) for process to dump me of somehow.

I will try to describe the math, the equation one more time, to bring more clarity to it.

I fear to awaken my schizophrenia. My mind uses this fear to feed/fuel my construct of religion within me. My mind will play on the religious construct so that I believe my desteni I process is my religion and god – that I must give back my worship to the DIP/process and to basically praise it – for saving me. That process is my god. So, then I start to fear that process will dump me of if I make mistakes. And then from that I struggle with fears, doubt, self-judgment and anxiety – that play out as reactions and emotions in my daily life.



So, the common sense in this is to ground it, to bring it into self – to physicality. To earth it. To realize that if I hold a god, or if I serve a religion, then I am being played by mind’s polarity. And also, to come to terms with how my schizophrenia will not reboot itself. It simply will not be done. I might have anxiety and reactions, that stem from my schizophrenia – but the massive illness in itself with all the symptoms, the lengthy internal war, voices, and pain, will not come back like that – and I have to learn to trust that, so that I can stop feeding the religious construct – by ending my fear of awakening the schizophrenia as such and be more grounded, calm and collected with how I relate to my own process.



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 13 Sep 2019, 15:16

https://tormodhvgj.wordpress.com/2019/0 ... ojections/


Day 844 – units of projections


I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have not accepted or allowed myself to real-eyes that all my experiences, that together have created my perception of other people in this world, have been based on my mind’s believes of/within my projections of another. Meaning I would have mental projections and mind simulations of another, I would create imaginary believes and ideas/situations about the other people – in my mind, of who they are, and how they function and what they do, that is mind projections and not real physical life. I create my own religion and believes in my own head – and not in physical life. Meaning that my ideas and my believes about another, stemming from my mind’s simulation of them, based on my past brainwashing – are but lies and mind ideas (imaginary ideas) and not physical reality, sanity here.

Within this I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to create projections and mind simulations about other people, that is a direct violation of life, because it is based on lies, and the structure of deception and abuse that have brought us all here in the first place. Meaning that I forgive the violation of life, done by me because I wanted to create ideas, believes (religions) and projections, based on my minds desire and that which serve ego as consciousness.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my projections for granted, thinking that my projection is really a “work”, a “project” and a form of art, that my projection is a form of art and expression in itself, where I fail to see that a projection is simply a projected/channeled/posted idea/picture and dream/illusion of how I would like to see the world or at least according to my believes.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for making romances of the idea of projections, thinking that I will reach far and become a star, if I can project my ideas and my believes on another like a disco ball. Within this I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, for not really taking the time to investigate what is a projection and who am I within that.



I commit myself to come down from my projections, to let go of my mind’s projections, together with my ideas and my believes of another, because the ideas, pictures, projections and mind simulations I have created is not real and therefor is a lie and a deception of reality.




The projection of blame within schizophrenia.

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to project out my mind into a new unit, as blame, as I see my own knowledge and understanding of self, living with this blame/schizophrenic/projection/splitting illness, that I come to find and see that this one projection is done by me for me to show to others and myself just how well I know and understand my schizophrenia, my mind, and the dimension of blame, where I fail to take in that it is a projection and a mind program and not reality, and simply schizophrenia trying to split itself into a new mind/me – and my projection and blame playing their game in my mind. Within this I forgive myself as my being, my innocence, for not being able to realize before that I am within this the total understanding and making of this complex – that I as my schizophrenic blueprint/self would channel/split/project my own mind into a new small unit of blame/ – and self into a new, me/mind/personality/blame unit. My schizophrenia splitting/projecting itself as an advanced blame/mind unit – some of the essence of schizophrenia/splitting of self – here as blame/mind unit.



Investigate: DESTENI



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tormod
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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 14 Sep 2019, 15:01

A self forgiveness and realization from my facebook wall


I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself for refusing to see and truly take into myself in full scope, the sore fact and the real reason why I do not get involved in politics is because I still see within me - that I would do so from a starting point of DESIRE for fame, sex and money - and I as life do not accept that - for politics to simply repeat itself like we have seen since all times - as abuse of life - from the desire for «power», fame, sex and money.

Within this I rather take my time to change me, to improve me, to better me, and perfect my starting point, from within self, and let the calculated consequences of all human collective mass rejection of real life responsibility - play itself out like it has to.



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 14 Sep 2019, 17:35

A self forgiveness from my facebook wall

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have not accepted or allowed myself the ability to see and real-eyes the inside of me, as into-me-I-see, intimacy, when I was a child where what I was taught about heaven and hell – that was how life was settled, with humans and earth in between, where I would see into myself and learn to characterize and “call out” myself, as a demon, as the devil, or Satan, because I would judge, blame, resent and fear the elements of my physicality and my body, as well as systems within me, as something hideous, wrong and evil, from how I was taught by adults and systems - as I was growing up. Within this I would like to state clearly that there is no judgement or blame towards any of the adults around me when I grew up. None. They were simply living their programming - again - from their parents and they from their parents etc. But still I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn to call the elements within me, my nature, my being, the flesh, the blood, my organs and everything of me – as something hideous and bad, from what the systems around me would teach me from their believes and their programming.



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Re: Tormod's blogg

Postby tormod » 18 Sep 2019, 15:47

Self forgiveness from my facebook wall

I forgive myself as my beingness, my innocence, that I have not accepted or allowed myself to really digest and take in on self, on the makings and the surroundings of my past, my experience and my living all in all, where it have been very difficult to conceptualize and validate my minds living – meaning my mind worlds, this physical world and life in general would not add up. The one reality would knock or “prove” the other reality wrong. I was living in 2, 3 or 4 different realities at once – I have been living with a total of 4 minds to answer to. The reality where far from adding up. 4 minds where presenting totally different realities, and TOGETHER not making sense at all – one mind would “prove” the other wrong - a real case of cognitive dissonance or…. schizophrenia. So, what I work to convey here is that the life process that we all are on, this journey, will shake and stir us – from the realities that are… well, not real. It is my prediction that this will become more evident as time flows. So question is… what realities are you living that is not… real ?

Physical reality – is the big deal. Physicality is 99% of the power.

Mind is 1% of such (and an imagination)




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