Day 149: In The Moment - Unconditional Writing
I have been idle for a few days from blogging, now I will write like I draw a picture, in-the-moment no-filters kinda writing. So what will it be? I like to do tarot draws, I do it for fun and to get clarity on issues. I don't have my Osho Tarot deck with me so next best is a poker tarot reading lol I did it with a female friend and we could have a deep talk from the tarot reading, it was bringing up issues she had we even talked about a possible romantic relationship between us, that is how deep it went! I take very seriously my tarot readings, at the beggining she thought I was joking but I am not, I even have done scrabble-and-dice tarot reading and it went well so it is not about what deck of cards you use but the starting point within yourself. If your intention is to get clarity on an issue it is more than probable that anything you use works, I even tried to do a tarot reading with a few rocks, that did not work but hey if you have some different looking set of rocks it may work.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust myself in all areas of my life, not only when I do tarot readings.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take the seriousness of my tarot game to my life in general.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see that if I take things seriously and people seriously they will take me seriously as well - no matter what deck of cards you use.
And here I extrapole it to this, no mater what cards you are dealt in life, you can make the best of it, first taking your life seriously, if you are broke, you have to make damn sure that you take it seriously to find a job for example, and people will if you take yourself seriously, people will help you out or at least not bother you in your efforts.
In movies we see the underdog win thousands of times, why?, because he takes the game he 'plays' seriously.
That is very serious, for example if you take yourself seriously you will probably not take drugs, I know I have and I want at times but if I take myself seriously I know that drugs take the best of me into chaos and I don't need no more chaos in my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see that my life is not a game and that I should not risk it with drug use.
And at the same time life can be a game, a game of cards. The other night a month and a half ago I was playing poker, we had set a buy-in of 10 euros, I took the game as a game and not as money and I had a lot of fun, at times I did't even look at the cards to set a bet and it was not until the end of the hand that I revealed my cards that I knew what cards I had - and I won the little game we played (me against 3 others) but i didn't see it as 'they are opponents' sure they were but I even gave away chips to them, they are my friends first then we happen to play a poker game. In life you have to be serious but at the same time don't take things too serious. And I might sound wrong but hear me, you get it, makes sense? Something true might look untrue, might seem untrue, might feel untrue and we all know it for example a Bernard Poolman audio recording, most can't stand hearing one full Bernard Poolman interview yet he talks common sense, it my feel wrong because he is fucking telling how it is! He even says it will feel 'wrong' but that if you can hear him, really Hear and Apply what he tells you to do. I am walking this Journey to Life because he suggested so, and I get awesome support weekly from my DIP buddy and my life is way better because of that, because had I not had the support I have recieved from Desteni I don't know if I would have this skills I have now, of making a blog, uploading it almost daily, making myself heard. Let me introduce myself again, I am Ruben Moutinho and I stand by the message of Desteni, as I stand by my message that is unique as each one is unique but I don't feel like I am special yet I am becoming a specialist at making blogs and I would like to become an specialist at making my life great, and by great I mean that I live to my utmost potential.
One thing I am known for by myself is knowing what I have to do yet not doing it, that is one thing I have to master, but is there really a thing like 'I know what I have to do?' I don't have to do anything, I CHOOSE to do something, like I Choose to do this blog here in free flow, without censoring myself, without going back a line, not doing it for the like but for myself and it is really difficult because we are so embedded and have in us put it there that it is good only if people notice you. I don't care, well, I care being noticed but it is not like I will change how I write to make You like Me. Because life has to be free flowing, if we do not free flow, and by free flowing I mean: Stand by Your Expression, use it, Do Express yourself. That is one thing with bipolars, that when I am up or 'we' are up we don't hold anything back, at least in my case I express myself fully, and that is what I wanted to do with this blog and what I will be doing more and more, say the truth and say it unconditionally, say your truth, say I am feeling like shit yet I will write this blog like a champ, that is some attitude right here - Say: I will master my life no matter how I feel Say: I know who I am -- but really? Do you know who you are? Sure I know everything about myself but making that statement implies that I am somehow living my utmost potential but I know I am not living mine, so I don't know who the fuck I am At My Utmost Potential and that is a thing that, the utmost potential is like a motor, you can fine tune a motor to burn better, to work better - notice how It came out 'to burn better' because we have set our lifes to burn like a firewood, like a set of wood that you put in a fire place, we burn ourselves out in this one only life we have, at least that is what I have been doing for the past 12 years, making myself burn and at times trying to rebuild myself. And I am tired of that, that Nero complex, either you burn yourself for good or you don't burn yourself at all - so once I have ruled out suicide the next best is be and become the best that you can be and become the best in you or in this case in me.
Try it, unconditional writing I will call it, what I did here - It is awesome, smart, best thing to do. I love when actors improvise in movies, last movie I watched Once Upon A Time In Hollywood talks a bit about this moment when an actor really gives it his all and that Is what I am trying to do here, give it my all. You might notice I am here and there but the trend line here is: Be you unconditionally, and if you don't know what this You is, I can only tell you my story and you will do what you want, you might not want to hear what I have to say, and it's fine, you will hear what you need to hear maybe you need consequence like I did - oh yes I was a hard one, by hard one I mean I didn't take the recipe and do it as told by Desteni for a lot of years and it has only bringed problems, so maybe what you need is like me, problems to solve, until one day you wake up and you are 29 and life is like a train you are about to miss and you talk some action and walk some action. It may be 29 like me or 24 or 38 it doesn't matter - or 54 - You have and I have plenity of time to correct myself to bring out my true self through writing blogs for example, but don't write it for other people, and here I have to bring up Joe Kou, he has mastered what I am trying to do here, he expresses unconditionally or I think it is what he does, we had a few talks and he helped me tremendously to choose my path in life to where I know now I want to help others, yet I know I first have to help myself and he helped me tremendously. To finish: Do what you want to do, don't wait, because tomorrow might be late because tomorrow never arrives only Here exists, Here Breathing, are you Here? Or sleeping? And I might sound phony but to the risk of it Do what you want within the principle of what is Best for All. And this includes You, doing the best for you, like here I am writing this unconditional writing I am testing it and it is certainly working as things from my mind come through and are typed in this laptop, hp laptop that is grey to tell you hey life is what you make of it, so make the best of it. Because I have seen that I have been doing it wrong for a long time, with simply letting go and free flowing was the answer, it was here all along, I have been Here all along only distracted by my Mind and what I am doing about it to not be a puppet of my mind is work on myself, I set that I had to write a blog evey day, so I do it to the best of my ability, some days I cannot write, so I don't, but most days I can but I let it slide, then I have to ask myself why do I let it slide? But that is for another blog - I don't do it because I don't let myself free-flow, I don't write unconditionally and that is what I am doing here at the moment because I love you --- It was in my mind to say that last phrase, and that is something I am wondering I don't believe for a moment that free flowing is writing all that comes to mind but more being in the edge, where you dont wait for words or phrases to pop up but you are writting so you are one step ahead of your mind, more working with the mind not letting the mind do the work and waiting for 'inspiration' inspire and expire, breathe, and write whatever comes comes