Jozsef's Journey to Life

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... umulation/

I am boosting up the frequency of my shares here. There is so much to express, explore, expand with.

I have a particular ‘style’ and system about my vlogs, blogs – realized that if I want to share more, I should optimize the workflow of it, so then I do not spend too much time on mundane, time-consuming tasks.
Such as each post should have a cool picture.
Or videos to have in-rendered title, other edits in the VLOG’s footage. From now on, it will be just pure recording on the phone for a while, then youtube upload, and that’s it. So much faster than download the footage, edit with premiere, add title, add links, add date, edit color, edit length, some fade in, fade out, etc – sure, they look then ‘better’ – but it’s not about the video quality here, but about the effectiveness. Aho!

I was camping in nature last week. For some days, I slept in the car, I kind of like it, because it’s extremely mobile and there is a sort of romantic association to it for me, almost like living in a tent, but it’s even better, because the car insulates for heat, noises, can be locked. And from the window I was able to stare the stars during the night! Amazing! Who needs five star hotel when you can have a billion star for free?

So for the night I’ve organized my things to the front seat, pulled down the back seats, prepared the blanket, sleeping bag – made my ‘bed’ – every night.
The more I did it, it became more and more easy, organized, practical and quite simple and effective.

Repetition is key for accumulation. Not just blind, robotic repetition, but with adjustments, always to evaluate the last result and improve if you can without inner tension. Naturally.

It seems working.
I will be working more with this kind of approach on many aspects in my life.

It might seem strange that I blog about this simple thing, yet sometimes can be not that obvious, when we are preoccupied with so many things in our minds, rushing through the days and sometimes there is no self-direction with awareness.

Losing presence due to some inner friction, reaction means losing context with reality as well. While I am thin-king, I am definitely not present. I still see with my eyes, I still sense with my other senses, but it’s like I am split. I am not fully in my mind, neither here in the physical reality. I am in this mind-body rift and it does not seem ‘bad’, because thoughts happen so fast – but it also accumulates. The more trigger point I give into to ‘leave’ the full, absolute, consistent physical awareness presence, the more it becomes my nature, my manifested physical beingness behavior, my default.

Imagine decades of participation within a particular, specific inner conflict. Year by year, month by month, sometimes even day by day reacting the same way, the mind becomes energetically lubricated, because it’s energy will feel like an inner movement, as it is an actual self-movement, but it is definitely not. It is a self-stimulation to take me out from what’s here. That’s a self-honesty point to admit, acknowledge, to discover, understand why, how, when and for what to be able to deal with it.

Admitting can be difficult, because everything we do, we justify, there is always reason – logic is the game’s name here, yet that logic is biased by my own self-interest to contain, avoid, suppress and deny that inner conflict. But this way it will definitely not disappear, because I give life to it by keep participating within it.

It’s like, politics. Someone hates a politician, because ‘he is bad’. Then every time I see that person in the news, I react, ‘this guy is a buffoon, a joke, he should not be president’. And this accumulates.

What is the actual benefit for me me keep defining this person as bad each time I see him? I do not see what’s going on behind of my judgment, my initial self-separation, judgment projected out about something I am already existing as tendency to judge instead of embrace, point and project, instead of take responsibility for what I see as an issue.

Then I dig further. Why? Because I have defined, I have no power over this, I can’t do anything. I am nobody. Yet I judge, I react, I experience that conflict within. Even though it is distracting, becomes automatic and it literally takes away my freedom in the moment of do anything, because I am pre-conditioned to react.

Like racists – they can’t help themselves but judge and blame. Mental issue. Judge-mental issue.

That’s why accumulation of self-support is needed. There is no one red pill remedy. No drug, no spiritual guru, retreat or meditation will change that by overnight.

What’s also extremely important is to accumulate what is self-liberation, not self-enslavement.

Meditation and equalizing the mind seems like an improvement in terms of my daily living, because I feel more balanced, my mind is not out of place, because I meditate.
The problem with it is that whatever I used to react I remedy myself with the meditation, that I am not addressing directly. I am addressing the consequence of that inner conflict. So I will remedy that consequence, will disappear. Then I will meditate again. But this is the infinite loop, it is no solution.

Based on practical common sense, my internal conflict is based on words, I could name the specific emotions, thoughts, feelings. WORDS are the building blocks of my reality. Not meditation or mantra. So why not investigate the words I react to? Simplicity is key here. So step by step to explore what words I see in my mind, what words I react with positive, negative – I need to decompose that, to dissect, to release and prevent myself to re-bound again.

I mean, I can do a million mantra of some magical, universe vibration frequency shit – or I can just admit that I miss my old days because I made bad decisions recently(just an example) and maybe I should change some parts of my life. Maybe I need to talk with a person who I do not want to. Maybe I need to give up some entertainment for a while until I work on the change I want to see. Maybe I need to do something uncomfortable for a while to get through this.

I am no way bashing, attacking anyone doing spiritual mantra meditation, just stating the obvious that it is some sort of energy-work – and energy is the fuel of the mind. So instead of that, rather just do not participate in the mind at all!

But in order to do that, I need to understand what’s it’s doing, what I AM doing with it.
And for that, again – words – writing out my mind assists, because it’s a physical action, already not only existing in the head, but bringing ‘down’ to earth literally the words I experience, react to, associate with.

“Don’t think you are – know you are” – means I study and understand – so then I do not think. It does not mean I do not use my brain. It just means that when I am in action, real time, I do not leave presence. I do not need to. I do not doubt myself(as all thoughts are signs of doubt and fear, for sure). So for that, self-agreement is really supportive, check out Desteni I Process Agreement course – not just about relationship, partnership, marriage – as every agreement with others starts with agreement with oneself.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... eral-mind/

This is about the feral mind humans, what have never been domesticated. Yet we live with it, as it every day, no break.

Sometimes it is even cryptic – when I look at my stance towards a specific person, who I judge as ‘not cool’ – simply because of my interest connecting me to that person, all I do is that I judge, box and define the person based on that interest of mine.

We can even call it love when our self-interest totally consumed us, the sheer amount of fear of not being able to experience that self-interesting love will eventually show who we really are in our limited actions.

I remember my love experiences – falling into those regarding to specific ladies – total disaster eventually all what has became, because I was blinded by my obsession for a reason – neglecting, not loving myself.

I have no problem with the word love or the love as action itself, it’s just everything is awesome, yet rotten from the core because of our starting point with ourselves, our mind, the world and others, which is not absolute self-trust, not absolute clarity, stability, consistency and practicality.

I remember, some people around me were telling me that they desire this fall in love experience, yet they can’t control it to simply have it with someone. It comes or not, and even if it does – it can go away just that easily as well.
Hell, some even admit, when the partner seems perfect – if that sort of obsessive, blinding ‘love’ experience is not presenting itself after a while, they just move on. It sounds almost like fishing, you put out a bate and you hope.

I used to accept to take refugee in these love experiences – and just as I did that – I catalyzed to manifest consequences for my lack of self-love, self-respect, self-trust, self-honesty.

So then how can I actually love myself within self-respect, self-trust and self-honesty?

That is a question everyone has to answer for themselves. It is certainly not about accumulating feeling good. It’s not about feeling bad either, like saying – tough life, hard justice, only real what is bad, like pain makes you feel real – it is just a sort of twisted rationalization of being lost in a mind-oblivion.

The mind is a fascinating design – although we all use it to hide with all the thoughts, feelings, emotions – who is not preoccupied with their own mind-crap, they can see what are the facts, here, real.

To see the Matrix is not magic or something mystical – it is to be able to see, walk through and understand systems.

Systems in my own mind. Systems in my own behavior, reactions, justifications. And by that, eventually the real world opens up.

If I look at my own existence, it seems quite complex yet mostly automatic. Apparently I make the decisions, yet I can’t seem to weave, sculpture, forge exactly what I want.

This often results in simply letting go of that specific want, the one which I can’t seem to be able to pull out to fulfill.

I am really good with adapting – I always noticed – and yet, if I am brutally honest with myself – not really – it’s just I have adapted to always be able to explain what I experience and do of why I do that, yet if I really investigate the atomic steps of how my mind, words, actions flow, it is quite obvious that most of me, who I am today is quite automatic, as a consequence based on my past participation with my mind, body and reality in overall.

Cool experiment – try to abandon yourself – do not ‘do’ – just ‘be’ – it might not be that awesome, yet you can observe that you are going to keep existing without actual conscious ‘decisions’.

Recently became obvious via walking the amazing DIP Pro course that just because a simple judgmental point, I was able to judge someone, completely justified to make a decision about that person’s life in a way what I defined as ‘tough love’.

Meanwhile, all I did was that this person being in my life has triggered my ‘mind-wounds’ of my past, just because this situation resembles to that situation from the times when I was clueless, powerless and totally exposed to this world without practical skills, money and actual understanding.

Just to make it more clear – I had experiences in my childhood what I really did not like and now when I see something similar to that, I automatically react, I automatically score negative points in my mind, I automatically accumulate inner friction about it and most importantly – I keep branding people and situations around me based on that. This guy did good, +1 – but yesterday did bad, -1.

Negative has to has positive side – both are unreal, only seem relevant through my self-interest mind consciousness system, so the only way I can make them believable is that I try to keep my mind in a sort of consequential, yet consistently logical operation. What’s good is good, what’s bad is bad. For my interest. Even if that interest is called ‘love and best for all’. That is my interest, right.

See – I have the greatest intention – yet filled and manifested through rules and regulations based on the past. Although I have born total innocent, without a system in my head,- as a grown-up I am now formed, branded and limited.

I have been doing pilgrimage, meditation, rituals, trances, alcohol, drugs and many other activities in order to unconsciously try to purify myself from my own self-definitions, judgments and limitations; by time they just build and grow; just like my mind has developed it’s rigidity and limiting solidity, the same way as most of the old people’s body show how they are in their own mind as well: they become completely calcified, crystallized and totally the opposite of being innocent, flexible and free as everyone was born here.

Eventually I have realized that I can distract myself from my self-dishonesty as long as I want with meditating on buddha form, or doing a ritual for some god’s goodwill or forgiveness, they will wait for me when I am done. Every single dishonesty of mine will not go away, unless I work on it, and I live real time, consistently the actual change. It is a job, no doubt.

Sure, I work at this IT company, I do this and that, but my real job is to reveal, deal with and prevent dishonesty in this world. This world is mine. I am the world. Today I have realized, yeah, yeah, when I visit another country, I visit them, I am the tourist there, in a way – but from another perspective, I am still home, I am in the world, as the world. Always. Silly idea of separating myself from the world. Where is the end of me and starting the world? My skin? What my body is made of is not the world? The whole thing is ridiculous.

Anyone stating that they do not care about the world is just a funny way showing that they do not truly care about themselves, maybe, because they have never directly saw/met/experienced/lived themselves. But again – what is care, how can I truly live real care without any percentage of delusion?

How can I care for others, the world, when I do not know how to care for myself, my ‘human condition’, branded with my own mind-systems, limiting my perception, experience and expression.

That’s why it’s common sense – want to love, care? Learn how to care for yourself!
Sure, that entails dealing with the hardware, our bodies, but any hardware is only capable of doing what it’s software allows to do – thus, the well-being of SELF within self-honesty is also pretty important.

Of course, too much self-introspection, self-care, self-love might seem as self-interest, it reminds me to the presumably true old stories about some saints from holy books dedicating their life to ‘get enlightened’ or ‘unify/experience/live god’, etc.

Like, seriously – if there would be a real Artificial Intelligence in this world – I mean, true intelligence, it would laugh it’s ass off on humans and their thousands of gods, saints and all kinds of mystical friends.

Yet these are just symbols of our own relationship with our own mind.

Just like when I automatically believe that an experience, a situation and a judgment from my childhood should justify me still feeling, defining and acting the same way. Ridiculous.

Of course, if you have been bullied by multiple legless men for instance (just a funky idea), it is quite a challenge not to define this, them and in general as bad automatically.

It seems like it’s beneficial. Feels like the whole ‘Darwinism’ and ‘evolution’ is just comprehensive pre-programming to be honest towards the perfection of mind consciousness as system as god.

Surely, every single living being has their own individual expression(sometimes we can catch this, when a rabbit, categorized as scared, chases away poisonous snakes, showing extreme fearlessness), yet it also can be that it’s still programming, somehow some rabbit-mind-variable overflown and calculating decision differently what we usually expect by our own systematic categorization and judgment.

Same with humans – we all try to manage our lives to everything make sense, yet sometimes it’s just falling apart, at least for a while, when we undeniably have to admit that ‘here, now, I have zero direction in this, yet I am moving, being moved, I react, I word, I act’.

For instance back to my referred personal ‘judgment self-dishonesty’ – I love my mom, I guess – and anyone I perceive not being the best they could be with her, I automatically develop a mind-beef with that person.

That is my definition of love. I want her to feel and be good, not feel bad and not be bad. Hahaha, very simple. In a way, poetically robotic.

So why all this strange rant? I am walking a specific lesson with DIP course and within the lesson I learn about my relationship with my mind, how I develop scoring towards everything and everyone, the polarity of good and bad and how most of this is now automatic. This is not taught in any school, yet seems like the most important lesson in life.

Everything I believe to be me has a reason, a logic if you like, processed, filtered and manifested through my interest.

With DIP courses, one naturally learns to decompose and understand these logical, crystallized(compressed, automatized, concealed and forgotten) structured mind-systems, walking through them with the power of self-honesty, writing and of course the people who refer themselves as destonians.

Destonian: word; means someone who commits oneself to walk the Process of Self-forgiveness in this lifetime, to expose and transcend all systems, within or without of the boundaries of our mind to birth life from the physical as all as equal as one and within that realization to live responsibility, care and love.
See, love can be re-defined, re-educated by taking out the self-interest, polarity, mind parts to see who I want to be as living this – and all – words.

I have been among the luckiest ones, because throughout my rocky journey to find my location in existence, I have had experiences of finding the end, the edge and the limit of Consciousness – which is of course an other system to offer to be cradled by our own and well-praised and justified systematic self-interest.
That’s why I was able to be assisted to let go the desire to even trust consciousness systems and start asking the real, critical questions of who I have became and who I am going to be from here now on.

Since childhood I have been learning and working as computer programmer, which consists of using specific words to structure and animate behavior and the resemblance of human mind to automatic characters in computer games is mind-blowing. The reason for today’s computer games automatic characters not yet being that complex and multi-dimensional as ourselves, humans is that it takes LONG time to create this complexity and they not need to be that complex – for now. But imagine, if you could have like a hundred thousand years to program a character. Every day, further and further – and when going into a dead end, then going back, adjusting, re-aligning, continuing to weave who this person will be, literally pre-programming to be ‘alive’.

That’s why Desteni courses, awesome community people are constantly working with words – because in this human reality, those are the real building blocks of this world – that is why it is the most simplest yet challenging practical common sense point to admit – that we need to work with words to understand more. Words we already consist of. Words we react to, words we associate positive/negative with, words we want, we resist, etc.

Investigating my Shadow

It is through writing words I have been able to become aware of this self-dishonesty of mine, wherein I have been scoring a person just through my own interest without realizing it, and when fully slowing down, sitting down multiple times focusing, digging out, pushing through various resistances to understand how and why I have became this automatic about it.

Of course, some automatic ‘self-creation’ is useful, doing recurring activities, it can assist to be effective – for instance driving car.
Today I have been assisting someone to learn to be better driver. He is somewhat experienced, just comes from another continent, culture, used to drive automatic gear, now has to use manual for the exam – so he is in the process of automatizing that process, ‘driving with the stick’.
I observed him making similar mistakes I used to, some were somewhat unsafe-like, yet I did not judge, react, only offered to share how I would do in this situation. Before going off-topic about this, just to reference something what many can relate to. It takes time. And sort of repetition. To accumulate.

Same with how we live – or do not live our words we use in our mind, on our lips, as our actions.

It can be invigorating to have a break through of a self-delusion/limitation/abuse – yet if that does not become natural, part of who I am, it will not remain.

It is not enough to understand the fact that I have been judging someone based on my past, projecting to him what I feel have been done to me by ‘similar people’. I continue to walk the DIP course lesson, assignment to see this through until it is not moving me anymore ever. So I re-and return to that point until I see within absolute self-honesty that this is not within my living expression anymore.

That is also a humbling process, because no matter how long one walks this process, it’s not like there are people who have ‘done’ this self-cleansing, if one picks up arrogance, becoming overconfident – that’s just an other mind-construct waiting to be walked and transcended.

Everyone starts with an opportunity to live life to the fullest potential, every day. Better to use that.

Closing this one with self-forgiveness on my personal point I’ve been referring here and there today.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my behavior in my mind, words and actions to become judgmental, based on polarity, my interest in a way that I’ve been stuck in a perception of something ‘bad’ have been done to me by specific situations/people – which caught me off-guard and felt so bad that I rather have decided to avoid this happening again, so then I constantly seek out signs of resemblances to that past event and then automatically define it to react the same way as I have done when I was clueless, powerless, not yet realizing that today who I am, I am capable of revealing all points, words, reactions, conditions, convictions and forgive myself for not letting it go, to fear this to happen to me again, to want to separate and protect myself from experiences I defined as bad.
I forgive myself that I have not realized the common sense within writing out, down my automatically moving mind, so then I can understanding it and thus myself more directly, in a way what is more stable, reliable and accumulative in terms of the more I write within self-honesty, the more I will understand to support real change.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that resisting facing my judgments, self-definitions, any self-dishonesty is a definite sign that I am walking towards the right direction to assist and support myself, just by the accumulative past acceptance of my starting point to rather ‘hide/suppress/deny/justify’ has also became automatic which I also need to embrace, understand and stop participating within it.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that if a person does something what reminds me to something in the past, where I experienced and defined that as negative, it does not mean that this is the same, the person is kind of the same, I should react the same way as I did back then, or even more trying to ‘protect’ myself to avoid that ‘negative’ experience without questioning that ‘Is this the best way to deal with this, for sure?’.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny the realization to really sink in that whenever I want to LOVE something or someone outside of myself, who I am here, it is literally due to lack of self-love and it is purely mind-stimulation to try to make it up to what I miss in reality, as an experience, not as physical fact and within that
I forgive myself that I have been using my mind to systematize my perception, behavior and judgments in order to maximize the effectiveness of self-stimulation by reacting to words based on polarity, my interest without even for a moment stopping to admit that this is pure delusion, yet it will manifest consequences in the physical, which is undoubtedly shared with all here.
I forgive myself that I have not yet allowed to fully admit the extent of my self-automatism wherein the algorithms are obviously showing their flaws, exposing me to the fact of my self-limitation and within that realization to naturally start accumulating understanding and practical change to go through ALL of me and forgive and let go what is not who I really am within absolute self-honesty.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that my resistance to consistency within self-directed actions is also a sign of self-definition and self-refugee taken in my mind, which is not stable, consistent, physical here, as my human physical body, therefore to take responsibility and start accumulating towards developing that consistency with effective support, meaning to see what works, to keep that, and to let go what does not.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I have no idea how to love – unconditionally – myself and thus others, as I define love based on what I have previously defined as good, and simply following that and wanting to feel good, make others feel good, instead of realizing that I can start to live that love by sticking to consistently work with my self-dishonesty in mind, word and action.
PSX_20200108_234716I commit myself to continue accumulating physical efforts to uncover, understand, forgive and let go any and all self-definitions, self-limitations, self-delusions and self-dishonesty, no matter what, this to be the code, nature, law of my being as life as living love.
I commit myself to keep publicly walk and share my process of self-honesty to take responsibility for all have been manifested as consequence, for all I am, for all who we are as systems and life.

Links for future/high-tech awesome support:

Desteni homepage:

Desteni I Process – the future of education

Journey to Life blogs, vlogs to become self-honest and more effective

SELF and LIVING, exceptional support for self-realization ... O1fIHVVsoA

EQAFE, existential library about the knowledge of creation

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... ng-person/

I had this recently, there was a dude in the new office we moved into, who just seemed so obnoxious, something in his voice was just bugging me so much. Not only for me, others said similar as well. Then I realized, let’s see what’s this, I never liked gossip or talking behind people, so at a company party I literally took myself and walked to him and started talking with him, to get to know him, not just let him in, in my presence and react, but to direct myself to ask, to understand, to directly ‘feel’ without inner, mind movement.

By talking with him, I had to realize so many things; this guy had so much bad stuff in his life, he is sort of broken inside at the moment, burned out, disappointed, treated badly, got really bad injury(hit by a car!), almost like lost everything. He is tainted with sadness and bitterness.
He had this sort of perfect, well worked out, model-like muscular body and handsome face, yet somehow his sort of aura was still not ‘attractive'(not for me, just he also explained, had no ‘luck’ with ladies nowadays).
I felt a bit sorry for him and myself judging him before knowing as well for a moment.

He said, he wants to leave, to restart in an other country. Usually I do not agree with changing environment instead of changing self here first, but this time I naturally told him, yes, go, leave ASAP, change your life for the better. He told me, he already resigned, yes, will leave. Good. Absolutely self-honestly, not for me not needing to be exposed to his presence and voice, but for him.
Since then – I had no reaction to him in my mind. I did not mind anymore when he was close to exchange words a couple of times until he left. It still seemed we will not be buddies, I even observed a thought once that ‘he does not like me’ – but then I did let that go for real and it worked.

So it’s the direct intervention what assisted me here, to step beyond my reaction, my feel, my definition and the wish to reveal what’s actually real here, not just what’s in my head.

Of course, all bad, annoying, apparently selfish and harmful people: they are not inherently evil, they are just currently concluded into this sort of expression – but it’s different from KNOWING to LIVING this knowledge, in real time action.

This made me realize MY responsibility, even with strangers I have. To be myself. That is best I can do for all. Mind blown. Whoever I encounter, whatever I go through in any given moment, that is my responsibility, that is my reality, that is who I am: to express within self-honesty, no matter what. This is the real freedom, not a bunch of billions and yachts I always believed.

I used to shut down any notion of this kind within myself before, by generating a sort of doubt and worry of who am I to want to influence others, what if I am wrong, what if I ‘assist’, direct or push people towards something what would end up being even worse – the thought of manifesting an irreversible, yet defined by me as bad consequence haunted me to utter oblivion until I did shovel this kind of attitude of mine deep and dark into me so then I do not ‘risk’. Just then I do not LIVE either.

So it’s fascinating how easily people can judge without understanding, just because they are being triggered. Well, myself, for sure.
In the moment of emotional reaction I live out distraction, a sort of result of a deduction process in my mind but based on doubt and fear, self-interest, judgment and conviction; instead of always working with facts here, regardless of good or bad based on my past pre-programming.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people before knowing them just because they trigger me to react with ‘bad’, ‘negative’ automatically, believing this experience to be real, to be the other person; instead of slowing down within for a moment and acknowledge: I only see, experience, react to MYSELF, I project, I blame, I judge, because to embrace, to reveal, to become vulnerable for what’s really here I define as not worth risking, rather choosing self-limitation, even when I know that I do limit myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people’s voice, tonality based on how I react to the voice to automatically conclude how or who the person is, based on the automatic scoring system in my mind, because whatever is ‘negative’ – I do not like, I do not want, I do not care to understand.
I forgive myself that I have not fully allowed to sink in that I define myself, who I am as already solid, manifested, birthed, this is who I am and I can not change who I really am in flesh, so I need to accept myself and live with it and not admitting that this is an excuse that I was wandering in a maze and although I have the thread of Ariadne with what I can back track where I came from, I do not do that, I define myself to be lost in a way, that ‘it happened that I came out to be here like this, so this is it’ instead of really embracing the fact that I can go back, I can undo my self-creation and choose a different path within self-honesty, even if it means years of work, receiving support and truly committing for working through even the ‘bad’ experiences, what always turning out to be just a perception.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that whenever I hesitate in front of a judgment, reaction of whether I accept this and become, or I MOVE and step out of it’s way and ACT IMMEDIATELY and open up, communicate, share and trust myself unconditionally – even if I will make mistake, that is how I learn who I am today and assisting myself
to keep re-committing myself to re-align again and push and birth myself.
I forgive myself that I have not realized how and why I judge people and why I accept myself keep judging them day by day, instead of admitting, this is dumb, this is limiting, boring and robotic; instead of stepping out from the mind’s apparently safe and clever comfort zone into a vulnerable yet more potent with opportunity to express within self-honesty situation.
I forgive myself that I have not realized that I do not need to be
liked by anyone to be who I am within self-honesty, it is not dependent on anything but who I am as Life here, thus any time I find myself still relying on this dependency, I forgive myself for that specifically and let go IN REAL TIME within and as BREATH HERE as action.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself believe that freedom is to have enormous amount of money and to be able to buy and pay anything, not realizing that this is a compensation in my mind, because can’t become in flesh who I am as a being, so rather just buy everything I desire – and within that not admitting that this is not freedom, this is indoctrination.
I forgive myself that I have not realized what actual and real freedom is for me, which is to be absolutely honest with myself in every and all moments consistently, to commit and live myself without the participation of the mind, the thoughts, the feelings, emotions, systems, comparisons, polarities, separations, convictions; and to learn to breathe without a thought, walk without thinking, move without mind-energy of feelings or emotions, to direct and move as the physical directly, no separation, no dependency of conviction.
I commit myself to not accept any judgment within myself towards myself or others, but to walk right into this construct and decompose, understand and transcend in real time.
I commit myself to keep sharing my process of self-honesty within the realization that this is who I really am as life.
Be bold and brave, delve into Desteni, it is extraordinary, incomprehensible support for anyone who dares to be honest with themselves.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... f-honesty/
VLOG DAY ... 03PUnT9-Wo

Did a couple of VLOGs today, just a momentary self-reflection and unconditional share.

This is a playlist, consisting of ten videos. Just to see how it folds as I keep sharing.


Closed captions (CC button below) as transcription also works about at 96% precision.

I had gained some insights about my expression during these videos, will share those later. Sharing yourself is key towards establishing integrity and credibility, stability and consistency in this quickly changing existence.

Do not miss this opportunity – if you are able to see this, you are part of the elite, who has food, shelter, money, time and internet. Most of the humans on this earth can’t have it.

Each video has this description with all the cool support links:

This is shared on my Self-honesty Journey to Life Desteni blog at

Desteni I Process mind-blowing FREE course:

Desteni I Process PRO for deeper understanding

Existential Knowledge about our existence audio-book library

Facebook group of people walking self-honesty and real-time change

Closed group of Desteni community to share with each other openly:

Self and Living awesome and practical support: ... O1fIHVVsoA

Please do not hesitate to drop a line, we should support each other as life

Bernard Poolman’s mind-blowing blog:

Desteni core site with support forum, many articles, etc

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... -problems/

Within my last post I’ve shared about an hour talk of mine about my process of self-honesty. By looking back, to see my expression, just wanted to pronounce of how much VLOGs can support to understand and change ourselves.

To be able to discover when I access the mind, to see if am I present within that moment, am I directive or am I being directed by reactions, judgments, emotions, convictions, etc – it makes a huge difference.

Knowing yourself is key to be able to change, do yourself a favor and work through your excuses, justifications, fears, misconceptions, delusions, resistances and other self-limiting reactions to the act of VLOGGING within the starting point of self-honesty.

It seems a bit off-topic, yet that is something I am opening up in the following post anyway to make a point here: my father.

He passed away about two decades ago, in that time I was still a teenager. He had trouble to socialize, to remain sober, to have money and eventually he passed away quite abruptly and tragically.

His issue was that he did not admit, acknowledge and accept that he has problems – thus he did not embrace what is really here as what he has became and thus there was not much to do.

To admit a problem sometimes is proportional to it’s perceived size – as the bigger the problem, the immediate an ‘intervention’ should be but it also would require bigger re-alignment/change, which is literally something like going against your own program code – can be a bumpy ride, especially alone without support from experienced and reliable people.

That is why the desteni courses are so awesome! (DIP LITE is free and awesome, familiarizing with the self-supportive, regular writing, self-forgiveness, self-commitment, self-corrective statement structures) – (DIP PRO is after LITE to learn going deeper into patterns of self-delusions to be able to change).

Example from my side: I used to deny that I have fear – I kept being more and more reckless and irresponsible to go into situations just to prove to myself that I do not fear – yet did not realize that the very starting point was based on fear.

And until I did not admit that I live in fear, there was nothing to do, just continuing to live in deny and basically self-delusion.

Yet – signs of anxiety, frustration, anger, just to name some – are all of fear, yet it is not enough to acknowledge, that’s just the starting point to the JOB itself.

Yes, job – that’s my job; yes, I have a workplace, that’s my job as well to support myself and who I care for, yet the real job is to let go the fear by decomposing all the patterns constituting me to fall into that type of self-dishonesty.

Why fear is self-dishonest one might asks – is it not a natural response to something dangerous to avoid, like a ‘survival tool’? To a certain extent: if it is immediate, results in direct action, instead of inner reaction, then that fear is just a momentary expression; yet when I judge, react, define and then I feel, it becomes an experience, which I do not direct, do not express, basically I do not exist within, because I am consumed by that fear, I am limited, physically manifesting within my behavior automatically. Problem.

I used to do spiritual practices – did so many kind, yet probably the most was buddhism. But at the next fall apart, hitting rock bottom, losing everything cycle I started to question my involvement in these views, preconceptions, beliefs and eventually there was no other way but to admit, this is not supporting me to let go of the past, to grow, expand and actually live. It took years to admit, yet once it was done, there was no turning back. That is why it is supportive to study the desteni material, because it can assist to actually understand your creation, no kidding, in your mind, in your reactions, behavior, body, expression, words, thoughts, feelings, emotions.

If you are struggling with an aspect/behavior/symptom of yours – admit it – it will be more tough than just keep ignoring, distracting yourself from or even denying it – facts make one work with what is real.

The important point within that is to also realize – this ‘me’ here, is who I am today, yet it does not need to be remain like that. Even self-definitions can be altered, released, forgiven. No ‘white-washing’, ‘looking through pink glasses’, ‘avoiding the elephant in the porcelain room’ – I have fucked it up, ended up cornering myself with this point, I am time-looping, I need to change. Or I need support. I need a break, I need redemption through self-forgiveness with detail-oriented awareness accumulation through writing, blogging, vlogging, reflecting, receiving support to cross-reference.

For me it was tough to ‘let go spiritualism’ as I have created it for years – because in that moment I had to admit – I have been lost for years, was wasting time, did not transcend my limitations, I have basically went astray. It is tough. Yet it is still preferable than to keep accepting self-limitations, no matter what. And voila – since then – I was able to understand SO. MUCH. MORE!

And it is definitely something what everyone can do with action and if needed, asking for support from the right place.

Like if my million mantras on buddha did not assist me to work on my uncontrollable (suppressed to the point of possession and exertion) desires for instance – then the solution is not to do another million but to step back, stop and ask myself – what words are I am reacting to here and why?

Here is perspective on meditation and why I have stopped as it is just spending time within my mind instead of transcending my self-limitations binding myself into it:

The greatest decision was to let go that and to start to work with actual words ‘within me’ as those are the real building blocks of worlds.

Unfortunately that did not happen to my dad, yet if you are still here and if your life is not the way you want it to be in any way whatsoever, admit it and start working with/on/through/for yourself within self-honesty.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by Gabriel »

Great support Jozsef!

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... ant-story/

This is a looooooooong rant around Suppression to prepare walking self-forgiveness and self-correction statements. Well, to be precise, rant #1 of 2 as have decided to split as got too long.

Here I will share story, opinions, convictions – yet at the end I am going to peel off everything to see the naked truth of who I am and where to go from here within self-honesty.

In the last post, I’ve started to open up something about my father. He was not a ‘happy’ man, not in the sense of deluded into mind-energy-positivism, but he ended up becoming sort of disappointed, broken and cynical, – already, when I was a kid. So this is not much about him, rather of what I’ve picked up of/reacted to him.

I add another dimension besides my dad-reflections to this rant: suppression. I am still ‘dealing with’ it, which is a sort of way to say: lack of self-communication and fear.

To clarify, I do not ‘suffer’ now, it’s just I am not yet reaching my fullest potential in terms of not being influenced by the things I’ve picked up during my rocky childhood, yet Desteni I Process courses and regular Blogging within Self-honesty with Self-forgiveness is the ideal way to open up, embrace and take responsibility for these aspect of myself to accumulate and manifest actual change. I see that I suppress a lot, nothing personal with it, it’s just I see the extreme self-limitation in it thus I work through it unconditionally.

Back to the father point. I probably already wrote on this blog about a specific experience I had with him, which really had an imprint on me. When I visited him in his at-the edge of the village house, after they divorced with my mum.
The TV was showing a fighter jet crash, where the pilot could not catapult, thus has died.
My dad pointed at the TV and said: “See, son, you can die at any time, we cannot do anything about it.” – there was a given up, salty tone within his voice.
This was a big difference between him and my mum – my mum was a fighter, always striving for betterment, improvement, when she was cornered, she could find a sort of rage within to push through(even though that was also not too healthy), while my dad was rather trying to show his detachment from all things as almost like not seeing the point of why even bothering.
He was a handsome, tall and humorous guy when he was younger, yet always been a lone wolf, only had like 2-3 sort of friends, who all eventually hang themselves. In the village I grew up, it was quite a tendency for broken men to go to the barn and take their life that way.
Hungary back then was still in the ‘communism’ era – not the northern-European ‘socialist’-type of government, but the Moscow-communist-party-controlled military/political occupation-type. Dad used to be border patrol guard, then as agri-tractor driver(basically field works). He was a member of the socialist party as most of the people, I did not know more about these things, I was quite a shy boy back then. After ‘the Russians'(100k soldiers) left the country in 1989 and Hungary was ‘democratized’, he lost his job and basically started to fade away. He was drinking alone and the marriage also ended with my mum, of after that he got even worse, living alone, brooding and drinking alone mostly.

We used to visit him with my sister, but after a while we did not like to do that as while we did our walk up to the hill at the edge of the village, sometimes people were shouting at us, kids that ‘Your father owes me money, give it back or else will be consequences‘. It was quite shameful and scary experience at that time. Father also have lost his big foot toe due to passing out drunken in the cold, had to be cut down. My mom always used any opportunity to hammer into me and my sister – your dad is alcoholic, never drink, son, keep walking the education system, but never ever drink, like him! She was always scared that I end up like him. I see now, alcohol was only a symptom for his inevitable fall.
Father’s mom was also a strange lady, I have no memory of her, just that the family considered her as a sort of crazy, she kept hoarding things under her pillow.
Mom’s family was also full of drama, drinking, smoking in the room while arguing, fighting all the time, so I used to just get away with my bike into nature, I liked it’s silence – no words, no emotions, just the land, plants, animals and again: no words.

I ended up hating words entirely, seemed like they are to hurt and make you feel bad inside, and even when there were ‘positive’ words, they all seemed fake and only temporally anyway. I spend my schoolboy years in the library, this was before the internet times. Also, I often chose company of the sky, trees, fields, the water and the wilderness.

After a while I’ve got mesmerized by computers at school, these were Videoton TV Computers, Commodore 16’s/64’s(with it’s 38 kilobytes of memory!) – those seemed so refreshing – no emotion, no drama, no crying, no hurting either – it was extremely logical, thus sort of predictable and within it experiences were reproducible. I liked that. I was basically the god in that realm, my words were pure power of creation and destruction – perfect getaway place from the reality of a poor, abusive, crazy family. And of course, also gaming – quite a getaway to introvert kids for sure!
Of course, it was not always bad, they all loved me, it’s just I mostly remember the very bad and some of the somewhat good things.
In general, in middle/center Europe the ‘way’ used to be that ‘Real men do not cry but being tough, unwavering, stable’. Not that I would really want to cry, but even if I would, I could not. Probably I can count my real cries with one hand in my adult life, it’s not something I typically deal things with.
My dad was a sort of role model to me about emotions, – unconsciously, as he was also not really the one who would talk about his feelings and emotions.
As a child, I spent quite some time with studying military, weapons, jets, tanks, etc – probably because my dad was also in the army and regardless of what he did, always dressed in ‘military pants’ – what are actually awesome – durable, comfortable, having huge pockets, insanely practical. Yes. I like to be practical. Function over style a 100%, please. Okay, maybe 98%….
My dad was also teaching me cool things though, gardening, fixing things, how to wire electricity or about tractors. I liked that. I remember, as a kid, one day I’ve got an electricity construction kit, I could assemble electromagnetic motor, relays, lights, those kind of things. For me, besides computers or math, these things always have been so clear, enjoyable and obvious.

One more relation to my dad – he have died, quite tragically, alone, probably drunken, alone, had an accident and that’s it, he was gone. In that time with my sister we were already reluctant to visit him, even though our mum kept sending us to him, so when there was his funeral, when I was about 16, I’ve got some regrets not meeting him, not helping him, etc; although that was just not really a reasonable thing to do.

I remember, my mom held my hand during the funeral, and I squeezed her hand for a moment during the ceremony but basically that was my ‘expression’ to his passing away. As he was ‘communist’, there was no priest present, just some guy talking about unspecific things, but I did not mind. That was my first funeral in my life I believe. Much-much later, about ten years ago from now I had my second funeral experience, my mom’s husband’s mom has passed away and then there was a priest. I have never ever heard so much offensive bullshit compressed into one in my life – I’ve kept looking around to see if anyone also would find this weird – but even if anyone did, everyone kept it to themselves. Organized religion and it’s brainwashing definitely has reached the insane level in this world. So then, I was totally fine with not having priest at my dad’s funeral. Of course there are ‘better’ and ‘worse’ – it’s just for me religion should not ‘touch’ death at all, but of course, that’s part of their ‘service package’ to give hope and whatever people like to hear. I’d still rather perish in a stinky swamp among alligators, utterly alone than having a funeral with religion. Anyway ))

At school, I have excelled with anything related to ‘sciences’ and totally struggled with ‘human’ subjects, such as literature. I just did not see the point of reading about sad, broken poet’s screwed up family and life and their not even always rhyming poems; I hated that I need to stop studying science for the sake of some disappointed, twisted jealous poet. Especially when I had to talk about a poem for minutes in front of the class.
Talking specifically was not my cup of tea, it just was so awkward to talk in front of people, I kept projecting judgments to them and then back to myself, the self-hate due to consistent comparison and inferiority was real. I just kept diverting my attention to develop a sort of megalomaniac superego, having huge ambition, great plans without specificity; basically daydreaming, because I was sort of socially underdeveloped among my peers, which also provided with my daily inferiority.

Through that inferiority, quite early I’ve developed a superiority in my mind, which was also reinforced by my observations of most of the humans around me in the village not being as sharp and fast thinker as myself. I was a poor, skinny boy, which resulted me to shift from the physical reality even further into my mind, wherein I was consistently back-chatting and daydreaming. And of course, becoming great with computers early on, doing programming was something outstanding in that time, so people kind of praised me for that. I kept self-mesmerizing myself about beautiful women, money, power and exploring the whole world.

Ok, so that’s enough material to start opening up the topic.

I’ve been working with ‘suppression’ since quite a while, yet only these days, in 2020 I start to crack the deeper dimensions to understand it further.

As it should be pretty obvious now, I am walking Desteni I Process courses since at least a decade now, and within a recent lesson in DIP PRO(which is the best school one can have on this planet, period – if you need to do one in this life, this should be it for sure), I’ve got to the realization that I am still consistently suppressing reactions within.

My current lesson is to identify raw, immediate reactions to negatively judged things happened in a specific physical timeline of events and often I’ve needed extra explanation by my awesome DIP course buddy(who assists with the lessons, assignments, having weekly chats about my process, giving a cross-reference point while walking through the mazes of the mind) to nail the assignment steps properly.
Even when I obviously dislike something or someone(‘s action) – it’s still sometimes difficult to just tell how I feel about it.

I’ve convinced myself that in fact I do not really care much, thus how people act, react – it does not reach me, ‘I am just passing through’, as a sort of tough-dude mental projection-type of situation.
I’ve got burned sometimes with the obsession and possession towards a person(“love”) or specific things and eventually I’ve said to myself – fuck this, I do not care, the less fuck I give, the less I am troubled.

What I had difficulty to admit and realize is that even when I desire to not give a fuck, what I have accepted and allowed(to become) throughout my life, especially in my childhood: if I am not specifically aware of each and every single point I can have tendency to react to with judgments, emotional patterns;- that does not mean I am free of them.
Suppression – at least at the beginning – seemed like a good tactic there – I just ‘swallow’ this anger/fear/jealousy/desire/frustration/anxiety/etc, pushing down within, so then in the next moment I can return to my beloved ‘clinically logical and practical’ way.

My suppression is quite specific – big shit-storm is about to emerge, losing the ‘sharpness’, so I suppress, in a flash, I am clear again – what I also had to admit with Desteni support is that all goes down into and as my body unfortunately. I am not even aware of it, it’s just like a shift, precise, clinical, ruthless so to speak.

Probably this can make me appear as sort of soldier-like sometimes. Mostly collected, sometimes edgy, yet when walking, being very, almost intimidating-level of directness.

Ok, to be continued, it’s getting too long, ciao.

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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef » ... verywhere/
Continuing with Suppression rant before walking Self-forgiveness on the topic.

When I was younger, I was so susceptible to emotional manipulation – what I reacted to positively made me feel extremely enthusiastic and what I did not like I completely ignored or got offended by on conscious level – this I have admitted quite late, just about a couple of years ago, when the current girlfriend of mine in that time once seriously asked me: ‘Do you believe anything I say to you?‘

Even after exposing a lie one after another, I really wanted to believe what I heard as sounded so good, thus when she promised something, I just believed it, the hope was real – unfortunately only in my delusions. That is a topic for another day: idealizing promises and verbal agreements to the point of blind trust instead of working with facts and common sense. In a way, this could be considered a very honorable feat, yet it is not if I keep making a fool of myself.

Instead of choosing standing up, out and face the facts, even if those are not so cool, I kept choosing to believe what I wanted to believe, because I could not stop being haunted by my own automatic reactions to reality, I’ve got addicted to the pacifying experiences of not feeling bad. All of a sudden, I start to feel good by suppressing the initial bad!

Of course, the practical common sense would suggest to not disregard signs of facts based on what I automatically feel good about – it’s like with kids – they always want to do the cool fun 24/7 – eating sweets, playing games, yet the reality is that they need to take responsibility and find enjoyment within balance and a sort of sustainability in life, otherwise they will end up just as us, adults, only driven by an inner compass of automatically doing what seems best for us/our cared ones. Yet, even when people seem to ‘only care about caring for others in the name of love’ – don’t they suppress their own self-love? Projecting value and self-definition outside of self due to inferiority. The variations of self-delusion are limitless, yet in a way, they are all the same. Obsession with reactions/experiences, compartmentalization of polarity-based interest.

As I mentioned before, I sort of had the traits of a megalomaniac, enforcing my hopes and beliefs to reality so much that I was able to see only what I wanted to see.
Yet, when I was disappointed, offended with something, it was mostly just a split second, where I felt crap, then I suppressed it and in the next moment, I was ‘clear’ again.

What I also have failed to realize is that any single suppression in any moment will not be ‘cleared away’, but will become part of me, within me, just separated from my awareness, yet still influencing, infesting, limiting me – accumulating…

I even had these glimpses of images in my mind of me ‘sobbing’ sometimes, but only for a quick moment, almost like wanting to, subconsciously, but of course, can’t, yet it made me good for another moment, but even that ‘feeling’ reaction to it was also just for another moment only.
Suppression always has it’s limit, thus the occasional rages I had, when things got too much, I just wanted to get crazy, almost like destroying my life what I have built thus far. Almost like unconsciously wanting to destroy my creation as already sensing it to be a dead-end, a delusion, a trap.

Why I’ve got addicted to suppressing emotions, reactions? Because I could not stop them from being triggered and within those emotional states I always underperformed, made mistakes, did regrettable things, I lost my perception of clinical decisionmaking.

That’s why I still till this day can have difficulty with consistency. Because I accumulate suppression of aspects of myself during long-kept obsession with other things, and eventually all will flip, even if I do not want that, especially ‘not now’ – actually never ever. Yet once I am fully charged with suppressed energy, it just takes over and exerts, dragging me around, like a ragdoll until the energy is out and I feel down. So then I immediately start to pump it up again with focusing on the positive, so the whole cycle restarts…

To introduce a new habit, learning, activity, creation, even if requires a massive effort is not that difficult for me. Yet to remain within that to reach quantifiable accumulation can be extremely challenging.

This is also due to the self-abuse of defining and working with myself based on experiences and not actual real facts. As I just generate this reaction in my mind by a specific trigger point, which I know by experience that will make me feel less crap and more good, so all I end up becoming is this word-programmed fuzzy logic organic robot, auto-balancing out taking punches of ‘bad’ to accumulate ‘good’ experiences. This is literally the definition of artificial intelligence. Is this really intelligent? Hm…

Due to the nature of my personality, I’ve developed a sort of direct relationship with mind-energy addiction and suppression, which took me on a journey to get obsessed with sex, drugs (and rock and roll).

Probably that’s why I like trance – the contemporary power-dance music – in a way it’s similar to sex – repetitive yet it still has it’s arc(or let’s say ark) and flow from here to there yet during its trip, I am in a cool ‘place’ where moments seem infinite, whole yet safe.

TRANCE. Dictionary definition: a sleeplike altered state of consciousness (as of deep hypnosis) usually characterized by partly suspended animation with diminished or absent sensory and motor activity and subsequent lack of recall. 2 : a state of profound abstraction or absorption

In a way, trance is hypnosis, precisely here to my case: self-hypnosis.

I have a ton of experience and insights about sex and trance, yet those topics are what people rarely talk about directly without reaction or conviction or the toxic bullshit current society’s brainwash adds to in the game of money and power. I have even got to the point of doing silly/self-abusive things about those two for a while, just as I got a bit too obsessive with the energy through these activities to maximize my states of expression without suppression. Specific drugs also take you on a trance trip, yet if you are not clear and absolute self-honest(and then you really do not need them), they make you a believer, which is even worse than not doing them at all. I’ve got my own 7 years of Tibet spiritual trip to reach enlightenment, yet, of course, it never really came through, only glimpses of potentials and wicked stories to talk about. I was never ‘found’, ‘present’, ‘here’, yet constantly ‘seeking’, ‘yearning’ and ‘searching’ outside of myself for – ironically: myself.

During those ‘trance’, ‘sex’, ‘meditation’ experiences, it’s almost like a cycle where time disappears, with it the conscious thinking as well.

Don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with trance music, dancing, sex or actual constructive meditation as self-directive problem-solving(I love these!) – yet if I participate in expressing those words through the mind, they always remain suppression – not living expression. Yet before Desteni, I had no actual, measurable way to accumulate stopping participation within the mind’s reactions, thought-chains, backchats, internal dialogues, blame, anger, etc, from where steering my living towards actual, living and physical expression without constantly getting preoccupied in my head.

Everything is in the words – no wonder I have resisted words to work with throughout my first, almost 3 decades – as I could not change my automatic definition, judgment, polarity ‘scoring’, reaction to specific – many, many – words. Self-definition can so inherently become the ‘code(x) of self’ that there is not even a consideration that I can decompose, release, re-define those words within who I am.

That when I am being exposed to something that makes me reacting ‘negative’ – it does not mean that ‘negative’ is all who I am – it’s just as I’ve defined who I am as consistently taking refugee within experiences instead of physical facts, I keep refining my self-definition based on further experiences, influenced by the past – ending up ever finding ways to distract, unsee, suppress experiences not ‘good’ to me in order to maximize the positive as I have ended up defining this is who I am and all I ever will be: an organic mind-body machine thriving on energy.

That when I make an obvious mistake, I do not need to fear that this mistake now is who I am and I can not change, so I develop a dislike towards that expression/aspect of mine, as I sort of believe: this is who I am, not even considering that I CAN CHANGE.

Because at home, in school, at work, it’s not shared how words, reactions, the mind, energetic emotional possession experiences are created. That is why all self-judgment exists: judging myself, sentencing myself to punishment, disliking something within myself in the belief, I need to lock this aspect/part of myself away as it is bad and I can not change it(myself). Thus suppressing myself, limiting myself, deluding myself.

I suggest everyone to repeat to themselves and others: I can change. Not changed by events, gains, and pains but by self here as behavior in actual, physical real-time.

I have realized in my early twenties that there is something inherently wrong with my approach in life, thus I have made my fundamental aim towards self-betterment. I had plans, desires yet I just could not get them. It was infuriating, almost being able to touch what I want, yet never grabbing as often seeing tremendous potentials waiting for me to harvest in the endless opportunities this world can offer, yet I often screwed up.

This might have not been that obvious, because among my peers, from where I have ’emerged’, I am one of the luckiest, got a job, traveled the world, I have supportive friends basically all over the planet, I have good qualifications, skills, attitude, reasonable health, physical abilities, etc – yet from within I have mostly focused on the negative throughout my entire life. As with the ‘secret’ of positivity delusion – among a million positive reactions there is enough to have one negative to ruin them all. Thus I’ve often seemed to always focus on the negative, because ‘good is good’, so no need attention, but the bad, needs to be good as well!

Everything and everyone I wanted to turn into a mirror to be able to self-reflect objectively to be able to evolve, I merely perfected spiritual meditation and trance dance and sex(not that actually there would be a ‘good’ or ‘bad’ way doing those, only judged in the delusion of the mind) to elude words polluting my peace bubble experiences, yet it was never enough to ‘breakthrough’ so all just became ritualistic goose-chase towards moments of inner silence yet the “despicable” thoughts(all of them I saw like that, they can almost feel like corrosive acid flowing through my body) always came back eventually.

It drove me mad, I went further and further to maximize the ‘profit’ from my energy mind to maintain the clarity of ‘undefined’, yet it really staggered and disrupted my actual self-growth as these type of recreational habits to control my experiences ended up controlling my life, spending too much time with people not being the most supportive, basically fighting experiences with experiences.

It’s kind of ironic that I get obsessed with trying to not get obsessed with myself instead of dropping the mic by acknowledging that this just adds complication instead of directly establishing clarity and transparency with self-communication: through and as living words.

Finding Desteni group, the study material, the principles, the forum, the youtube videos have literally been eye-openers to me in 2007. The forever best thing happened to/with me in this life. Period. I used to search and seek, look and keep finding explanation, help, someone to tell me who I am or what to do and Desteni simply showed: it is myself here I was missing out, searching for. Thus self-forgiveness, to be able to acknowledge what I have been accepting and allowing to experience, express and become.

This is how to understand and take responsibility for my own creation and these are the ways to accumulate awareness and self-direction.

Since then my life has become a billion times more clear, real and grounded and it keeps accumulating. I can take head-on huge problems, issues in my life with self-direction and start walking through them to practical change. I consider this to be the greatest power in existence, to respect that spark of life within self enough to start nurturing it slowly but surely preventing all self-sabotages to start living without compromise. That is also a reason why I do not accept living within self-suppression anymore as it really sucks because I just do not trust and express myself whereas I could and should.

Suppression is a very common thing, essentially if you have thoughts, you are suppressing yourself in those moments, completely. You believe that you are being smart, thinking your way out of that specific situation, yet the fact is, you cling on to the past wherein you have accepted to be imprinted with the pattern of judgment, a polarity, and self-interest. Yet any and all thoughts are just the mutation of the same past we’ve been re-living every day. Imagine living beyond reactions. Understanding and knowing without the need of thinking. ‘Be water, my friend‘.

To realize, thinking is so much inferior versus direct living is not a question of education, intelligence, luck or privilege, it only can be born from the answers within self-honesty and self-integrity.

Look at your reaction, if you can automatically be triggered to feel good or bad about ANYTHING or ANYONE – you are suppressing, because you have programmed yourself to not remain HERE in all moments equally, but you want to process what’s here based on your past through built relationships IN YOUR MIND.
I know, I am still doing it, yet there are moments of clarity, physical presence and self-directing principle coming through my words and actions.
This is because of walking Desteni I Process, the blogs and studying the material at EQAFE to understand how the world has been created, including my own inner one(s) as well. That’s why I keep repeating to share this, it is just that important.

From time to time I also can have a really sad, bad feeling about things in the world, like war, famine, slavery, rape, exploitation, yet most of my days I do not feel ANYTHING in my conscious mind – why? Suppression! And then when things just pour through, take me on a ride and all I’ve locked away wanting to break out and then it’s getting too much – so eventually I re-find my mind-bubble-balance with re-suppressing them again to at least remain somewhat capable of operating in this world system. Tough to admit but this is it.

I’ve convinced myself that if I would constantly ‘feel’ how the world really is, I would not be able to exist effectively in this world, because I would just constantly feel bad and sad or would just get insane. I mean, who does not care about the world, others, animals, plants, water, nature – basically ourselves? Self-conviction can be very strong, for instance, “I cannot do anything about the world, it is not ideal, yet at least I still can squeeze out enough positive experiences to not get smashed by all the negative things existing in this world“. And some can even add their own offspring, parents, friends, neighbors, etc, to their self-definition based on pre-programming and their financial situation.

Or the religious/karma people’s approach – who believe there is some deity/system who/what is benevolent and I should project trust towards and whenever I get the crap vibe, I just pacify myself that this is faith, the more I can accept, the better my life can be. Bollocks.
If I have no direction/influence on my life, what is the point, how much I would be actually ‘real’ then? Even if there would be ‘a god’ – if it’s not me here, what’s the point? And if it is me, then what’s the point separating it mentally? It’s like when people talk in the third person about themselves in their bio/CV – an obvious sign of projected self-separation: not being really real but gives them some mental/emotional boost to balance their specific suppression.

Obviously, there is no point or reason to agitate against ‘religious’ people here, yet if I would find myself to be in this self-definition, I’d rather ask the questions of

What do I participate in my mind during those kinds of religious trance mind-experiences?
Why do I not live within absolute self-honesty and self-trust in all moments equally already?
Why do I accept myself less than who I really am as potential as LIFE without any addition besides the physical here?
Anyone participating in thoughts, feelings, emotions are religious, believing within their own self-religion, which is self-suppression, because they can’t embrace the world and within themselves, as it is, they need superstitions to self-convince themselves that they are right, while everyone else is left out from the definition and interest of ‘self’.

As all of them are just the same self-mind-religions as people recreationally go back to specific experiences triggered by convictions: suppression, big time. So in this sense, it would be not fair to judge anyone religious meanwhile I also still participate in the religion of self-interest through thoughts, feelings, and emotions. It would be quite hypocritical. Thou shall not judge to be not judged. Not by anyone but self here. In this sense, religion or even spirituality are also various forms of suppression.

As Bernard Poolman stated: All religion harms life as disregarding the physical here.

The physical does not think, does not get emotional – it just is. Yet it is growing, expanding, it is LIFE. So that’s it, I do not want to be fake by participating in fake-self, I want to be real, more than anything!

I guess this is a pinnacle point of my self-defined existence – to be real – in this sense – to become the absolute opposite of suppression.

It’s funny how at my current work I am considered to be talkative, open and smooth;
” In the country of the blind, the one-eyed man is king.”
Yet I know, if I look into me that I am still suppressing, accepting reactions due to un-processed self-definitions. Processing here literally referring to Desteni I Process, wherein I walk with self-forgiveness to become aware of each and every single point within me of why, when and how I react/think/feel/judge/project/etc. at certain, specific situations with certain specific persons.

I really enjoy talking nowadays, yet I remember, a dozen years ago I defined being talkative as pointless and annoying. Because talking can make me react, and reactions lead to suppression; suppression leads to mind-possession. So for a long time I believed to be better to just deal with my internal battles quietly.

Because for decades I had trouble shutting the fuck up in my mind, especially in conflicting situations. I really did not know what thoughts are. I have spent years studying scriptures, various ‘spiritual’ explanations of thoughts, where do they come from, where do they go yet only with EQAFE and Desteni I Process I started to understand their design and various aspects to be able to support myself to learn the ability to STOP the MIND-possession and start becoming real here in and as the flesh.

Mind-possession? It’s common sense if I keep thinking the same thing, it accumulates, if I react to thought with anxiety, regularly, that anxiety energy will grow within me; until the point of it becomes so strong that I can not suppress it anymore, I can not separate this experience from myself here. It’s like a drop of ink in the bucket of water. Drop by drop it just taints, paints it black the whole and at that point, I can not ignore, lockdown or hide it.

Remember, we are programmable by words – if we give permission to others, the world to react to, we basically give permission to feel, experience and eventually talk and behave automatically according to forces outside of self’s direction.

Great example is government propaganda – currently, in Hungary, my home country, up to 2020, today, the nationalist, proudly ‘illiberal’, extremely corrupt political party have been brainwashing the population with scare tactics, blaming refugees, brown people, Jews, Arabs, gypsies, democracy, socialism, equality, anything they fear – every day through centralized, censored TV, media, newspaper, billboards since at least a decade now and it is quite shocking to see it results working: xenophobia, hate, fear, extreme limitation, manipulation, abuse. It is purely insane. Of course, these manifested systems in the world also have to be seen as external reflections of accumulation of individual selves here, without any exerted judgment or blame but to see how am I participating in this, what can I do in my own reality practically to stop.

I highly recommend studying this documentary about how our society have been specifically programmed: The century of self.

The reality is really, really bad. – Yet that also shows the good news – accumulation works.
The same way we are programmed, we can be de-programmed and re-aligned with respecting the values of ALL LIFE.

Basically, that’s what people are walking with Desteni tools – accumulate awareness and change within consideration of principles of what is best for all, starting with and including oneself.

The fact that we do not get insane at this very moment due to what is existing on this earth is already proof that we consistently suppress. There is so much abuse happening in this world in every moment, accepted, disregarded, suppressed by most of the humans.

That’s why alcohol, drugs, entertainment, porn are also existing: we’ve separated ourselves from ourselves so much that we need those things to be able to experience certain aspects of ourselves because we have no direct control over our own self-suppression and self-separation within our compartmentalized mind consciousness system we perceive ourselves existing within.

If you go to clubbing and without getting tipsy/drunk or high you can’t relax, enjoy, let go of yourself to have fun – you are suppressed – needing to use toxins to suppress your suppression.

Yes, we convinced ourselves that it’s more ‘fun’ this way – yet the truth remains – we have no direction towards how our mind determines our state of being and living.

Same with the binge-watching TV series consistently, the constant entertainment. I get that it’s interesting to delve into a specific story, experience to have this roller-coaster ‘trip’, to learn about things, myself in the meantime, yet when our ‘fun’ becomes this only, almost like people’s purpose is to improve their ways of entertainment, it’s quite a sign that we are not really living in this world, yet being stimulated specifically to avoid what’s here and real.

Again – same with porn – whoever needs porn, to have that extra ‘stimulation’ – it’s because of lack of self-intimacy due to self-suppression. Porn lubricates the mind, which then we trigger lubricating our genitals with because we can’t just DIRECT and enjoy our sexual expression within presence, breath by breath.

Many people despise people watching the most wacky porn out there, yet those people are troubled to truly communicate with themselves, to really feel and love themselves and others – without the programmed mind-stimulation they do not get aroused that much, hence the dysfunctions, delusions, objectification, abuse as well. Porn-addicts need support, not stigmatization, yet society has been evolved and programmed to accept self-and other’s abuse to boost profit, self-interest and again: self-suppression.

Same with all the crime in this world – simply stigmatizing so many things as punishable, like drug-abuse, stealing, deceiving or even exploiting, harming others – we do not support them, we lock them away into cages – literally suppressing them as well.

I could go on and on – I guess from here the picture should be pretty clear: suppression is everywhere.

As the few who can control the many due to their own self-interest, self-suppression and lack of connection with REAL LIFE IN THE FLESH on Earth, they actively design society to suppress, get deluded and become dis-empowered, so then they can be controlled, contained, manipulated and exploited. Otherwise, there is the (probably reasonable) fear of too much chaos, disruption, and destruction.

So, suppression is a sickness of humans, I mean everyone. Please stand up, reflect back if you are certain that you do not suppress EVER as you might even suppress your suppression act to a sort of automatic level, just like I can have the tendency to do so.

If you are ready to stand up as Life, study the Desteni Material and walk the damn process – otherwise, you will perish as you’ve never existed. And if you do not mind that notion, then that’s also fine, it is not mandatory to all programmed humans to transcend all the systems and birth life from the physical for the first time, you decide. – the greatest online school ever existed! This site contains the most awesome stories and audiobooks, I can’t even fathom to express how much I’ve learned about myself and the world from here. Not just useless knowledge, entertaining stories, but tangible, practical, day to day practical support.
Just to make the point here, I’ve created a page on my blog, where I’ve just collected a bunch of


audio-books in a couple of minutes, I am going to listen through them to specify and refine my understanding. This is also a sort of proof about how extraordinary EQAFE is, you just have a point in your life you want to improve about, search there and BAM! – you get proper understanding and if you still need to further specify, you can even ask connecting the staff through the site!

here is my page on this blog:
So in the next post, I will start walking self-forgiveness to my own suppression points.

See, writing is awesome – I’ve been ranting about my childhood and dad and have opened up a bunch of points regarding one specific word – that’s how we walk through and start seeing the systems within self-direction.

I mean, eventually, everything will be revealed what can be, so why not actively doing it in the flesh? No need to become radical here with the process, balance is key, yet it is the most honorable thing a human can do is to take full responsibility for their own creation.

That is how we all become gods equally(created, creator and creation itself as equal as one), to embrace living without mental patterns, projection or delusion but always dealing with facts through practical common sense. Do not believe the flashes of the mind, those are side-effects of your suppression.

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Joined: 16 Jun 2011, 23:08
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Re: Jozsef's Journey to Life

Post by jozsef »

Thank you, Gabriel for reading and reflecting. Also thanks for standing firmly on participating in the forum!
Gabriel wrote: 28 Feb 2020, 23:07 Great support Jozsef!

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