Kristina's Journey to Life

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

674: I Made a 7-Year Commitment

After 10 years I am still practicing perfecting this flow and consistency with blogging, to fulfill this commitment of the 7 years journey to life. We have a long way to go and I’m still here.
I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to create consistency in my flow as my sharing as my blogging as my expressing

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to drop the ball on blogging where I let time go by where I am not directing myself to share me as my blogs

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I made a commitment to walk this 7-year journey to life – to write a blog for 7 years and that this point is still here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize just because I drop something or stop something for a moment I was directing doesn’t mean I can’t pick it back up and the only reason I don’t is excuses I give myself to excuse me from fulfilling the commitment

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and see and understand, in moments of not wanting to direct me, how beneficial and effective this daily blogging actually is

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the power of accumulation – of daily self-direction and how that can drastically change my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to realize the power of just 30 minutes a day of blogging

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand the effect daily blogging has on my life because I have not allowed myself to write consistently every day or as much as I am able

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to blog daily but to not blog daily myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to impose expectation onto others that I am not applying myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others as failing and not take into consideration my own failings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame those outside of me but not be willing to take responsibility for myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see others at fault and not taking inventory on myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that it’s easier for me to focus on the problems outside of me because then I don’t have space or time to focus on myself and how I am actually part of the problems I see outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, that I have spent so much time fighting the outside world that I could have used to change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe just because I see what others are doing that I have to point it out to them and tell them to change

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that what is out there in the greater reality is actually an exact reflection of who I am and if I see problems out there then I have not forgiven me as all as one as equal as all things in all ways to once and for all UNDERSTAND WHAT IS HERE and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that this journey is not done and we have just begun

I commit myself to walk this 7-year journey to life as consistently as I can until it’s done

I commit myself to direct myself more consistently to create flow with my blogging

I commit myself to stop giving myself excuses and to direct myself to blog more consistently

I commit myself to be consistent in who I am as what I create

I commit myself to take responsibility for this creation as myself

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tylersr
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by tylersr »

Kristina, you've blogged for 674 days, that's amazing.

I'd be careful of statements like "I commit myself to walk this 7-year journey to life as consistently as I can until it's done." I mean, barring something tragic happening, you will be on this journey for 7 years anyway. And, I'm sure you are already being "as consistent as you can," but having a look at such a statement it can be easy to get lost in the vagueness of "as I can" which is also a future projection.

Also, I'd say there is nothing wrong with pointing out something you see wrong "out there". Probably the being you've interrogated (lol) is grateful if it's a point they didn't see before. Let me know if you have any more questions, it's good to read you.

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

675: Learning What it Means to Express Me

April 28, 2020



I am learning what it means to express myself in a moment. I have only begun to consider and realize what this means for real... to speak from a nothingness. No fear, worry, or desire, only me here in/as/with the moment and what is required to be shared/expressed to support the moment and all involved as what is best for all. This is something new for me. Often my instinct is to doubt and question myself - to not trust myself - to assume the worst of me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not speak my self-honesty in moments due to a fear of how others will react and so instead, suppress me and turn it into a reaction

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see when I suppress my expression and how that turns into a reaction

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand when my expression is wanting to come through

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to condition myself to suppress my self as my expression in any given moment that I cannot recognize when I need to express something specific

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to trust me in a moment of expression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to slow down in moments to be able to recognize my expression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to nurture and honor my expression and rather suppress them into reactions

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see in every moment where I’m coming from as either fear or worry or a judgment or a reaction so that I can identify when I am reacting and when I am expressing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the utmost potential of me as an expression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that my expression is unique to me and can change in any given moment as what is required and need and best for all in any given moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear to get in the way of my expression

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to get to know my expression because I’ve always judged myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist and live in such a way where I do not trust myself as my expression - that I do not trust myself when I see something needs to be said or moved or directed and rather question and doubt myself and to in turn create more reactions as I did not allow me to flow as my expression here

When and as I see myself wanting to express myself in a moment, without fear, worry, excitement, love - without any energy but rather ME here in the moment, but question and doubt myself I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I will not get to know myself as expression until I allow myself to EXPRESS and trust myself when I see I am clear in a moment and so I commit myself to go for it - to express myself when I see I am clear... to trust the moment as what is here and what is within me to be said or moved or directed

I commit myself to trust myself enough to act in the interest of what is best for all in any given moment
I commit myself to practice stopping myself when I am reacting to prevent myself from speaking words of emotions but to rather speak from a space of purity that is without want or desire and is simply here to be expressed

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

676: Wanting More Time but Refusing to Create It

A point here of nearing my bedtime but having so much I still want to do. I then react to myself not getting to everything but refuse to consider staying up later to get to all the things due to a fear of being tired in the morning. Where's the directive principle, am I right?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become frustrated and anxious when I do not get to “all the things” I wanted to do as an expectation I put onto myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a failure if I do not get to “all the things” I wanted to do instead of considering the practical reality of what I am able to do rather then what I want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the time it takes something to do as a point of blaming it for taking “too much time” and keeping me from doing the other things I want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for talking too much and thus keeping me from “doing all the things” I want to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I’m missing out on something if I can’t do everything I want to do in a day

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear staying up later to get through everything I want to do in the belief that I will be tired in the morning

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the experience of being tired

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear waking up at 6 am in the middle of a dream in thinking and believing it’s “so hard” and challenging coming out of such a deep sleep

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to be here always, in all ways, even when I am sleep

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to realize I can be aware and here while asleep

I forgive myself that I have not yet accepted and allowed myself to be present while I sleep

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the potential of me as my awareness and my relationship with my body as I sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed sleep to be a place with which I use to escape reality

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to use sleep to face the reality of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my day through fear of feeling tired and so refuse to push through and get more things done because I think I must go to sleep as soon as possible

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that when I asleep I am still here

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct me in fear and create consequences for me such as frustration because I’m allowing a limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create me within a limitation as the fear of experiencing being tired

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the potential of each moment and how much time I in fact have or how much time is in fact here

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize and utilize myself as my full potential within my day, including with sleep

When and as I see myself becoming frustrated for not getting to everything by the time the evening is getting late, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand my frustration and annoyance towards my reality and myself are a reaction to the fact that I am acting in fear – fear of experiencing a tiredness because I will not allow myself to stay up and do what I want to do, to do that which serves me but rather direct myself to prevent fear. I commit myself to thus slow down and ensure I move practically and self-honestly in my reality – stopping all fear and embracing me as self-movement and what I’m actually able to do as who I am

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

tylersr wrote: 11 Jul 2020, 09:42 Kristina, you've blogged for 674 days, that's amazing.

I'd be careful of statements like "I commit myself to walk this 7-year journey to life as consistently as I can until it's done." I mean, barring something tragic happening, you will be on this journey for 7 years anyway. And, I'm sure you are already being "as consistent as you can," but having a look at such a statement it can be easy to get lost in the vagueness of "as I can" which is also a future projection.

Also, I'd say there is nothing wrong with pointing out something you see wrong "out there". Probably the being you've interrogated (lol) is grateful if it's a point they didn't see before. Let me know if you have any more questions, it's good to read you.
Hi Tyler,

The commitment and the words specifically of "as consistently as I can" is in the context of "what I can practically do". So taking into account my work, my home responsibility, general daily life tasks and doings and priority - I am practical about what I am able to do. So I may not be able to blog for a month or two or 12 though I have committed myself to writing 7 years worth of blogs - how long that will take me, who knows. and if I die before I'm done, okay. If something else prevents me from doing it - so be it. The point is I have made that commitment in my words of what I direct myself to do. I don't see any misalignments in the words. I do see I can be more specific in what I was saying.

Does that make sense or do you still sense a vagueness?

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

677: 677: Positive Affirmations Delays the Inevitable

You have to watch my vlog to have more context for the following self-forgiveness.

WEED YOUR MIND

Essentially - who I am in my garden is who I am in myself and my own mind. There are lots of weeds that need to be removed - lots of destructive, judgments, spiteful thoughts that do not exist in what is best for all or in the best interest of me. Those must be removed and Forgiveness is the tool.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to dig deep to get the roots of the weeds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to put in the work and labor to dig deep in pulling out roots of the weeds in my garden

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to get to the fastest desired result of no weeds in the garden by putting woodchips over them to suppress the weeds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that suppressing is changing instead of realizing suppressing is only delaying the inevitable which is me having to face, dig deep, and pull out the root of the weeds

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to give the proper time and attention and labor to ensure all weeds are removed from the garden

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that if I just put wood chips onto the surface of the weeds they will just go away

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the garden in my yard is the garden of myself – my mind and body and being. And that who I am in relation to the weeds that grow in my garden is who I am in relation to the thoughts, feelings, and emotions in my mind. And that who I am determines if I am planting, reaping and thus sowing what is best for me/all as that which is functional, practical and best for me or whether I’m allowing weeds to take over. prevent, and disrupt a more cohesive and best for all ecosystem

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to put positive thinking and affirmations over the weeds in my mind as negative thoughts in thinking and believe that if I keep putting something nice looking over them then I will eventually get rid of those darn weeds instead of realizing that while yes, I can put down wood chips to support the soil, I must also, dig into the soil to remove the root of that weed to ensure it is gone for good

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it’s hard work to dig deep to find the root of the weeds of my mind – in thinking and believing that sourcing memories that are the roots of my thinking and thoughts is too hard or will take too much time and thus want to bypass that to get to a quick result that will make me feel better about myself quicker

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to opt for the quick and easy route rather than the effective route when it comes to working in the physical and within my own self

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to learn how to source the roots of my thinking as the memories stored in my body and to within this develop a resistance to it instead of realizing all that is required is some practice

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed resistance to rule my life

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the value in pulling out the roots of weeds that no longer serve my garden as preventing more work down the road

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in putting in the work now I I am saving myself time later

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that in the extra effort I put in now will reap a greater reward later

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay the inevitable which is pulling out the root of the weeds, within and without

When and as I see myself wanting to do something in the easier, quicker way and avoiding/resisting the “more work way” I stop and I breathe.

I see, realize, and understand that I am putting off and delaying the inevitable and only making more work for myself. I will have to do it right eventually.

I commit myself to use effectiveness as my guiding principle, not the fastest route to the result I want.

I commit myself to realize the value in doing the work now to reap the reward later

I commit myself to pave the way to fertile soil by putting in the labor of removing all weeds from my soil

I commit myself to removing the weeds of my mind by sourcing the roots as the memories and to pulling them out once and for all to clear the soil for new seeds to be planted.

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

https://equalitywalk.blogspot.com/2020/07/678-why-i-avoid-interacting-with-others.html

May 20, 2020

Here I share some self-forgiveness on a point I see within me of wanting to "keep my distance" and avoid interacting with too many people. If I had it "my" way, it was be just me and my partner and our dog hazel and I wouldn't have to spend time with anyone else. Not because I don't like others but because I often have lots of reactions when around others - insecurities, comparisons, competition, judgments, uncertainty, paranoia even... it's a mess that I'd rather avoid. Though - the avoidance is actually me accepting a limitation within myself, defining myself as these reactions because in not changing them, I am saying "this is who I am" and that is a person in fear and conflict and separation of others? Obviously not my full potential so some dismantling of this must happen...

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the reason I have in a way isolated myself throughout the years and kept my interactions to a minimum is because in doing so, I do not have to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately limit my world and my relationships because of a fear of having to face all of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within limiting my relationship with other people, lived the statement that I am afraid to face me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by the reactions and experiences that are triggered when I am more active with other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it’s better to be alone to not trigger those reactions and experiences within myself as I do when I’m more engaging with other people instead of realizing that my responsibility is not to avoid creating or triggering those experiences but rather to FACE THEM and FORGIVE THEM and redefine/decide/create who I will be moving forward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe my mind is too busy, it’s too much of a mess, it’s so fucked to be changed and so I avoid engaging with too many triggers in an attempt to remain stable instead of realizing I am only prolonging my process and implying I am inferior to myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face and embrace all of me especially me as who I am in relation to others – to fully engage with and get to know and see for real the me with others that compares and competes and fears and worries and interprets and assumes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am such a stable person instead of realizing I’ve only created an environment in which I can do my best within limitation and a definition of myself that I can only direct so much so I keep my distance in an attempt to keep the peace within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control of myself if I were to face head-on me in relation to others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize for how long I have been hiding from myself, especially behind the facade of "I am changing myself"

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize an understand how much I am gifted to see now that my interactions/engagement with others trigger so much within me – so much of me still requiring my attention and direction and so I have quite an opportunity to purify and change who I am

When and as I see myself wanting to avoid interacting with others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my resistance towards others and my lack of relationships with others is due to a resistance towards truly and absolutely getting to know me because, with others, I am faced with me as my thoughts, feelings, and emotions and so if I stay away from people and keep my interactions short, I can create an idea about myself that I am stable and so I commit myself to challenge this accepted self-definition and idea about myself that I am stable and that I can’t interact with more people and that I must avoid triggering anything within me and I rather commit myself to embrace more interactions and relationships with others as a point of embracing and interacting and getting to know me as that which is the ultimate purpose and reason for being on this earth so that I can become a person of worth who cares and values for myself and other equally

I commit myself to face my fear of facing myself by engaging more with others

I commit myself to utilize the tools I have within me to face fears such as breathing in moments of walking into my fear as interacting more with others

I commit myself to utilize the tool of writing to help clarify the experiences I have when interacting with others

I commit myself to utilize the tool of self-forgiveness to take responsibility for myself

I commit myself to practice reflecting on my experiences I have when interacting with others to get to know me

I commit myself to not shy away of an opportunity in a moment to expand myself as interacting with other

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Kristina
Posts: 1770
Joined: 12 Jun 2011, 21:18
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Post by Kristina »

https://equalitywalk.blogspot.com/2020/07/678-why-i-avoid-interacting-with-others.html

May 20, 2020

Here I share some self-forgiveness on a point I see within me of wanting to "keep my distance" and avoid interacting with too many people. If I had it "my" way, it was be just me and my partner and our dog hazel and I wouldn't have to spend time with anyone else. Not because I don't like others but because I often have lots of reactions when around others - insecurities, comparisons, competition, judgments, uncertainty, paranoia even... it's a mess that I'd rather avoid. Though - the avoidance is actually me accepting a limitation within myself, defining myself as these reactions because in not changing them, I am saying "this is who I am" and that is a person in fear and conflict and separation of others? Obviously not my full potential so some dismantling of this must happen...

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that the reason I have in a way isolated myself throughout the years and kept my interactions to a minimum is because in doing so, I do not have to face myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deliberately limit my world and my relationships because of a fear of having to face all of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to within limiting my relationship with other people, lived the statement that I am afraid to face me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by the reactions and experiences that are triggered when I am more active with other people

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe it’s better to be alone to not trigger those reactions and experiences within myself as I do when I’m more engaging with other people instead of realizing that my responsibility is not to avoid creating or triggering those experiences but rather to FACE THEM and FORGIVE THEM and redefine/decide/create who I will be moving forward

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe my mind is too busy, it’s too much of a mess, it’s so fucked to be changed and so I avoid engaging with too many triggers in an attempt to remain stable instead of realizing I am only prolonging my process and implying I am inferior to myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to face and embrace all of me especially me as who I am in relation to others – to fully engage with and get to know and see for real the me with others that compares and competes and fears and worries and interprets and assumes

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am such a stable person instead of realizing I’ve only created an environment in which I can do my best within limitation and a definition of myself that I can only direct so much so I keep my distance in an attempt to keep the peace within me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing control of myself if I were to face head-on me in relation to others

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize for how long I have been hiding from myself, especially behind the facade of "I am changing myself"

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize an understand how much I am gifted to see now that my interactions/engagement with others trigger so much within me – so much of me still requiring my attention and direction and so I have quite an opportunity to purify and change who I am

When and as I see myself wanting to avoid interacting with others, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my resistance towards others and my lack of relationships with others is due to a resistance towards truly and absolutely getting to know me because, with others, I am faced with me as my thoughts, feelings, and emotions and so if I stay away from people and keep my interactions short, I can create an idea about myself that I am stable and so I commit myself to challenge this accepted self-definition and idea about myself that I am stable and that I can’t interact with more people and that I must avoid triggering anything within me and I rather commit myself to embrace more interactions and relationships with others as a point of embracing and interacting and getting to know me as that which is the ultimate purpose and reason for being on this earth so that I can become a person of worth who cares and values for myself and other equally

I commit myself to face my fear of facing myself by engaging more with others

I commit myself to utilize the tools I have within me to face fears such as breathing in moments of walking into my fear as interacting more with others

I commit myself to utilize the tool of writing to help clarify the experiences I have when interacting with others

I commit myself to utilize the tool of self-forgiveness to take responsibility for myself

I commit myself to practice reflecting on my experiences I have when interacting with others to get to know me

I commit myself to not shy away of an opportunity in a moment to expand myself as interacting with other

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