Kristina's Journey to Life

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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 23 Feb 2019, 06:43

638: Living Words: Family - part 1

My partner and I have been creating a habit of working together with Living Words. We created a word web at the beginning of our agreement/relationship as the words we wanted to live and express in the agreement/relationship.
So the word Agreement is in the center of our web and from there all the various words and expression we want to be a part of our relationship branch from it.

Every few days, or weeks, or months we pick a word from the web - usual just at random, one of us running our finger across the page of words until the other one says stop and wherever that finger lands is our word to work with. We discuss the word as what initially comes up within us in relation to the word - how we see it, how we define it, how we relate to it... then we walk with the word for a few days in ourselves and our day to day living. We then come back together after those few days to discuss our findings, specifying within that how we see we are able to make the word Liveable in a Practical Way.

Today we picked the word Family. This was interesting because it is a topic of discussion coming up more and more recently for us, mostly in the context of having children (patience still, we are not quite there!) so that was the first point I saw in looking at this word.... creating our 'family'.

The next point that came up was the word Suppression. And this is very interesting to me because that is how I've experienced myself in relation to my family... lots of suppressed emotional energy. From the past and even still in the present where it's not a main point of focus or investigation for me. There is still quite a resistance actually to diving into the family points I experience and have experienced within myself.

Essentially though the initial points I saw when we picked our Word was Family as the Program. Family is where you learn how and who to be... it's the condition of your environment that influences your conditioning. There is nothing wrong with 'programming' per se - it's simply the code that is written into us in terms of how we will function. Yes - just like a computer.

And so Family can be a program that is Best for All. I see that is what my partner and I would like to create - to create an environment where the example being lived by us to the children are self-honesty, self-responsibility, self-respect, respect for each other, open communication, stability, directiveness, integrity, consistency and living based on principles. But we have both been raised in something quite different, and not that that is bad as no one has had the 'way' to creating a better world, otherwise we would have a better world, but we still had our own families with our own programming and we came together precisely within that principle of changing our programming to be that which is best for all.

So we are busy creating a family - right now consisting of him, me, and our furry friends. And while it will expand in due time, there is still family points to be walked currently. And obviously, this is just the personal points of family... there is the greater reality of family as humanity... and the family of Life.

There are a lot of layers to be discussed for just one blog post, so I will leave it here for tonight and continue to share as I walk this point for myself.



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 24 Feb 2019, 08:01

639: My Own Racism

I grew up in the States. To say our history is full of racism is an understatement. We perhaps have one of the most brutal histories regarding racism that has played out even in the last 100 years. We also had some of the greatest thinkers and activists that were Men and Women diminished and targeted just because of their skin color but rose up to become influential, even in my own life, despite it. And yet some of them, while making quite an impact in our world, still did not make it out alive.

It's Black History Month in the States. Part of me thinks it's a shame we have to have a month to celebrate and remember Black History because in reality there is only One History and that we should recognize and remember year round the generations of abuse and torment Americans have put itself and each other through to ensure we once and for all stop it and do not repeat it or to not forget those that stood from it.

Our History was brutal, and it involves all colors. And perhaps the reason we have a Black History Month is because the American History we are taught in school, that we walk around accepting the rest of the year, is full of lies - a hiSTORY full of shit that was narrated by the oppressors and leaves little to no room for the oppressed. And so we have 1 month a year where we attempt to equalize and tell the whole story.

And still... being a white woman in this day and age, growing up in the city of Minneapolis rich with diversity and culture, knowing from a young age racism and judging people by the color of their skin and not by the content of their character is absolutely unacceptable... the nature of racism I've seen in our history, that has created division and used to keep us apart and separate, and that still plays out today has existed in me. I've seen it in me.

Growing up and into my early twenties, I would fear walking alone at night and to come across a black man. I would automatically assume the worst. I feared the intensity and directness I saw in the black culture. Movies and media taught me that the black community was full of drugs, crime, and abuse. The fear was instilled in me, despite knowing better, I couldn't seem to help myself in the secret of my own mind fearing those of a darker complexion.

And while I want to say, I'm sure like so many other persons with a white complexion, "I'm not Racist," it would be a straight up lie. While I don't deliberately or directly try to discriminate against any person that looks different to me, or comes from a different background, I am a product of a Society that once Sold black men, woman, and children... that profited off the commodity of their labor, that raped, murdered and beat them to death because they were defined as an inferior race. I was instilled with the idea that they were somehow different, somehow less than or somehow less dignified. I am a product of this culture. As much as I despise it, it is part of my history. And while I want you to believe I truly would not deliberately harm another person because their skin is darker than mine... I would be lying if I said the thoughts that have existed within my own mind did not suggest the essence of racism.

A few years ago I was walking in Whistler, a prominently white town where I lived. I walked past a man with brown skin and a turban on his head. The thoughts were, "what if he's a suicide bomber? What if he's going to cause an attack here?" I can't even explain how shocked and outraged I was by these thoughts because I could see clearly the absurdity of it. The movies, news, and my own government got inside my head. I believed there was an enemy I had to watch out for and that anyone that looked like this man could harm me.

We cannot deny, even with our purest intentions, that we have not participated in some kind of bias towards those different from ourselves. I cannot say I have ever seen someone and not judged them by the color of their skin, or associated them with certain behaviors because of what they looked like, or feared to be alone with someone I have been conditioned to believe would likely harm me.

So what's the point I'm trying to make here? We must take responsibility for the racism within ourselves. We cannot pretend it doesn't still exist. We must come to terms with the fact that we are carrying with us the sins of our fathers... we have generational blood on our hands. I say that metaphorically because obviously, we have also the power to forgive ourselves, to wash and purify ourselves, our thoughts, words and deed, and to once and for all end the racism within this world by ending it within ourselves. But we first have to admit we have accepted, allowed and participated in racism.

I cannot change if I cannot admit the wrongdoings - whether deliberately or not - through my acceptance and allowance of the nature of racism to exist within my own mind, through my passivity and non-action, and inability to SPEAK about the issues and abuse I see and hear, I've accepted and allowed the nature of racism to exist outside of me, within this world. Until I say 'Till Here No Further to my own programmed mind of racism, it will continue to exist within our world. Each one holds up and keeps alive the overall view of their society.

We've heard this before, and we know it's true but it is time we start living it by STOPPING those inner biases, discriminations, judgments, and hate for someone a different shade than ourselves, from a different country, with a different accent, with a different culture... it's called DIVERSITY and is a gift to each one who is open and embracing of the unknown and unfamiliar as it allows us to DIVE into the reality that Humanity is a rainbow of colors and experiences and that that diversity is what keeps us rich and thriving. Just like an eco-system, diversity is what keeps it healthy. Obviously, it's who we are within that diversity and rather running in fear of someone different from ourselves, let us find the commonality that IS our Equality and Oneness.

We are all born of dust and will return to dust, made of blood and flesh and bone and we bleed when we are cut, we starve when we do not eat, we die without water. We are the same, and what really matters in our lives is exactly the same and if we can stop allowing the division to flourish we can expand humanity beyond its divisive consciousness and into an Awareness of Real Life and Living that is, in fact, BEST FOR ALL.

I am hopeful to those that are here as we have the opportunity to learn from the past fuck-ups, to let go of the old world and create something new where the brotherhood of (wo)man emerges - where we can, in fact, love thy neighbor as thyself and give to each other as we would like to receive. It's up to each of us. Stand responsible for what has been accepted and allowed and stand as a pillar to create a new world. Call out the abuse towards life within yourself and within this world, make a commitment to change and to not accept anything less than the Equality of Life that is Real and Here and do not stop until it's done.



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 25 Feb 2019, 06:05

640: Fear of An Unforgiving World

Yesterday's blog post created a lot of fear within me... fear to share the truth of what I've accepted allowed, fear to admit I've had racists thoughts. Part of this fear is seeing how unforgiving this world is, how reactive it's become and how much it's unwilling to understand.

I fear I will be labeled a racist, that I am hateful and that I see others less than myself. That I am the epitome of a white woman who is ignorant and blind in this world.

I realize I wouldn't fear this if I didn't actually live this to some degree, but I think more importantly to focus on is the fact that I fear the world being unforgiving to me - unwilling to let go of who I was and embrace who I am doing my best to become. So the question is - am I STILL unforgiving to myself or others? I'm I still unwilling to let go of who I was, and who others were? Am I embracing who I am doing my best to become? Am I embracing others unconditionally?

Interestingly enough the one point I see where I am not - where I am not yet forgiving, where I'm still not understanding, where I'm still not letting go and defining others according to who they were is within the same area that I also did a similar blog post on... Family.

As tight-knit and close my family has been throughout my life, I still see a lot of dysfunctions within me in relation to my family. A lot of hurt feelings, a lot of blame, a lot of judgments, a lot of anger. Have you ever had a dream where you were so outraged with someone you were screaming and yelling, exerting all of yourself, all of your emotions at another person? Where this force was coming out from within all of yourself and out of you towards this other person? I have had this dream more than a few times where the focus of my anger was members of my family.

Now while I see, realize, and understand my family is not the actual source of my anger or frustrations, or the cause of this emotion stirring and coming out of me within such velocity in my dreams... they are in fact an aspect of myself but what I have yet to do is absolutely and unconditionally forgive myself in relation to my family, and the actual unit of my family, each individual, and as a whole.

There have been moments here and there throughout the years and throughout my process where I've kind of, somewhat addressed some of the deeper issues I see I still have with my family. But I know in reality, in self-honesty, I've been resisting it. I've held onto the past and what has been done and I have not allowed myself to unconditionally let go and embrace who each one is as their unique expression and the gifts they were actually to me within my life. Why? Because I have focused so much on the negative. I have not seen the acts of redemption or reasons to forgive.

And just like me fearing the world will never forgive me for what I've accepted and allowed, I have not allowed myself to forgive the world, like my family, for what we accepted and allowed.

So here's to the next layer and phase of this journey. Facing, embracing, forgiving and changing me in relation to my family. Of course, the timing of this is perfect as the Living Word chosen for me this week is Family so this is where I can start. In the next blog... Who have I been in relation to family?



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 26 Feb 2019, 05:04

641: The Generational Cycles of Suppression and Addiction ENDS with Me

Continuing here with the family points.. in my initial blog that I opened up in regards to who I am in relation to family, and how I've come to define the word family, I mentioned one of the first things I noticed come up within me in relation to 'family' is the word suppression.

There is a partnership relationship within this word suppression and that is addiction. I have seen and experienced a lot of suppression within myself and my family and an equal amount of addiction. And what I've come to realize is that addictions stem from suppressions.

When we do not deal with or address or acknowledge or change things we experience within ourselves and our life, we are suppressing them. And in that suppression, we create a need to cope or cover up, or hide from what we are suppressing. This is where addiction comes from - the need to feel something else, to focus on something else, to keep ourselves busy and distracted from the real things within ourselves needing our utmost attention but because we either don't have the tools to understand them and deal with them, we run away from it because often they are the negative experiences in life... the traumas, the hurt feelings, the sorrow.

So I have seen within myself and within my family addictions to drugs, alcohol, money, shopping, food, cigarettes, gambling, sleeping, television, conspiracies, relationships and sex. Addictions do not discriminate on what your drug of choice is, it doesn't matter what you are addicted to, it's the nature of the relationship you have towards that particular thing that determines an addiction. And I have seen all the listed above as things used in compulsive ways, ways in which it becomes a dependent and a need.

There are varying degrees in which addictions can manifest in our behaviors and lives and only an individual can determine within self-honesty if they are addicted to something. For me, I can say I have had my share of addictions to all the things I've listed above. I came to define myself as an 'addictive personality' where it didn't really matter what it was. If something gave me a good feeling, boy oh boy would I want some more of that. And quickly that "I want some more of that" would turn into an obsessive need and thus a dysfunctional relationship.

I am grateful for the inner strength I've established within myself throughout these addictive times because I have been able to stop a lot of destructive addictive habits, but the fact that I grew up around the idea that there are addictions on both sides of my family, I was in a way accepting the idea that I was prone to be also an addict. And I played that part. I fulfilled the self-prophecy of the family that suggests because I came from an addictive family, addiction runs rampant around me, I too would become an addict. But what I can see is the missing information, the understanding of WHY and HOW addictions come into play in people's lives. And that is suppression. And that is also something rampant in my family.

So the responsibility I must take here is to realize that the cycles of the family - from all previous generational lines - must stop with me. I must end the cycle and the belief and the program that 'I come from an addictive family' and to absolutely refuse to pass this sentence and CON-viction onto my children. Rather I will learn to deal with my own suppressions, stop my own addictions, and be an example for my children that we do not need to depend on anything to escape, to feel something that is better than what we usually feel, that we can, in fact, take directive principle over our lives and who we are where we can prevent addictions from manifesting. And that starts with me dealing with my suppressions.

And as mentioned in the previous blog, the first point of suppression I must address is the suppression of who I am in relation to my family. In not dealing with what I've experienced throughout my life in relation to family, who I am in relation to each and every family member, is the seed that is planted in the garden of myself that could grow... what would such a seed with such a nature grow into? Would it be beneficial and fruitful to myself and others? Or would it be dis-eased and rotten?

I also grew up within the family having the idea that addiction is a dis-ease and in this belief, it in a way was also an acceptance of addiction. People are "born with it" and so somehow it makes it that much harder to change it. When I can see for myself that while yes, we are born with certain DNA programming that has been passed through the generational lives and lines, I also absolutely see the power and directive ability each has to change who they are as their very nature. So the dis-ease is no longer an excuse to remain the same, but that radical self-transformation is a very real and prudent potential for all.

So opening up the addiction and suppression points here in relation to family - I will continue with self-forgiveness in the next blog to come.

Thanks for walking with!



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 27 Feb 2019, 05:58

642: Family Conflicts - Blame vs. Understanding

More on the family points - diving in deep to source out the conflict and find some understanding...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in relation to who I am and what I've experienced throughout my life in relation to my family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself into a point of needing to cope, deal with, and escape from experiences I've had within my family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I cannot deal with the experiences I've had in relation to my family as I think and believe there's too much, it goes too deep, and I've in a way given up on them and me in relation to them anyway

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on my family as thinking and believe we are too far gone, the dysfunctions run too deep that there is no way to make it right instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that is exactly what bothered me the most about my family in the first place - the fact that we let too much conflict accumulate within the relationships that we couldn't seem to get to the source of the real problems and every interaction became problematic

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate years and years of suppressed reactions, anger, hurt feelings, blame and judgments towards my family for their behavior and interactions with each other instead of realizing I am now living out the exact same pattern that bothered me the most about my family

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my family as so different from other families as a judgment towards the relationships within the family as seeing them as dysfunctional and problematic - it never made sense to me as to why my family continued to carry on relationships with each other when it seemed every relationship was tainted with resentments and blame

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my family not taking responsibility for themselves in relation to each other where I see years of suppressed blame and resentments towards each other instead of realizing my exact reaction is the same nature of what I'm reacting to in them where I am now living out the pattern of blaming them and holding onto resentments for years that I could have dealt with, addressed, communicated about, forgiven and let go

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it's not worth it to sort out who I am in relation to my family as thinking and believing there is no change within the family - they will never change instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that the only person that require to change is ME and if I cannot do that for myself in relation to my family, how the hell am I supposed to expect them to change in relation to the family?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my family to change when I'm not willing to change myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if my family diminished me throughout my life and did not uplift me and to thus blame them for my expreiences of diminishment and lack of self-esteem instead of realizing that parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins - family - is a product of the generation before, and the generation before, and the generation before and no one knows any better and everyone is dealing with themselves and their life to the best of their ability, in the only way they know how and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allwoed myself to have more understanding, compassion and forgiveness in relation to my family as I see I am able to empower myself to stand within myself and stop my own diminshment and inferiority and to be able to support them how to empower themselves as I'm learning to support myself to empower myself - where we a, in fact, can change the way we deal with things, and we don't have to victimize ourselves or blame each other and we can, in fact, support and love each other for real wherein the family then becomes a unit the nutures the whole

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disempowered by the family I was born into thinking and believing I never had a chance to be better instead of realizing within this, I am victimizing myself to circumstances beyond me and many with much less and worse conditions have taken action to rise above and within the adversity of their lives and so I have no excuse to blame or victimize myself and have had every opportunity to stand within my own power to create my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for the circumstances and events of my life in thinking because of them, I have had to face hardships within myself instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that such blame keeps me trapped in a cycle of inaction to move and empower myself and that I am conveniently not having to take responsibility for my own life and who I am and how who I am influences the decisions I make and thrust the outcome of my life and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to take full responsibility for how my life played out, the events I've had to walk through, and the difficulties I've faced internally as the only place from which I can actually stand up from and change me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for who I had become in my life so that I didn't have to take responsibility for myself/my life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trap myself into the belief that my family circumstances were a weakness instead of seeing the gifts I've gathered throughout my life, with them, through interactions with them, in observing their interactions with each other as getting to know and understand the extent to the problems of this world and that those problems contain in fact the solutions to living life in peace and harmony with each other

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see the gift of the family I was brought into as being quite specific to who I am and what I had to face in my life to be who I am today as I realize this person I am today is someone I am grateful for and that I fought to create and that fight did not come from myself alone as I was surrounded by individuals forced to stand alone in a system that does not care about life at all and they fought to the best of their ability and the only way they knew how they fought to survive and to create a sense of family and stability we all could depend on

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect my family to be perfect in an imperfect world where the very systems that influence everyone's lives is designed to induce stress and conflict and division and so how can I hold them to a standard that even our world system is not held to and for not seeing the sacrifices that were made in order to simply survive and to do the best they could for those they were responsible for

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hard on my family as I've been hard on myself and to not offer them forgiveness as I have offered it to myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to want to sort out my relationships with my family as I see them as too messy and too much and not worth it instead of realizing what I'm actually saying within this is that I am too messy, I am too much, and I am not worth it and so I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as too much, too messy and not worth it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define this world as too much and too messy and not worth fighting for, not worth forgiving or for giving a second chance

When and as I see myself suppressing myself in relation to what I experience in relation to my family, as not writing it out, or forgiving it, or communicating about it, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that very behavior is what causes the most conflict within me in relation to my family in the first place and so I commit myself to stop the pattern and cycle within me to no longer suppress that which I experience but to rather embrace it and speak about it and address it and understand it and forgive it and allow myself to let it go as the only way to ensure I am not holding onto the past as what's been done and allow myself to move freely within my present and the future

When and as I see myself blaming my family for what's been done, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that my family is not perfect, but neither am I and until I change I cannot expect them to change and so I commit myself to make myself the priority as the focus of my attention as what needs to be changed and stop looking towards my family to change first

When and as I see myself victimizing myself in relation to my family as thinking I had a hard life growing up, and too much conflict that created consequences within my own life, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that such blame and victimization to such a circumstance is an easy way out to not have to take responsibility for my own life and is unacceptable as I had an opportunity a lot of people don't have as I had a stable home, and food on the table and my family had the money needed to survive and so I commit myself to stop victimizing myself and rather take responsibility for myself and the position I was placed within this world as the very specific position I needed to be able to become who I am and who I will be

I commit myself to stop blaming my family for the conflicts they created and start forgiving the conflicts within me I have towards my family

I commit myself to realize the family is the micro version of the world as a whole and if I can start to forgive who I am within/as the family, I can begin to forgive myself for who I am within/as this world as a whole

I commit myself to forgive my family as realizing they did the best they could with what they had and what they understood

I commit myself to realize I can stop the cycles lived out in the family without blaming them for it

I commit myself to discover what it means to live unconditional forgiveness in relation to my family



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 28 Feb 2019, 06:36

643: Codependent and Controlling

I have a tendency of reacting to my partner when he seems to be facing difficult points within himself - where he's dissatisfied with aspects of his life, where he resists getting up in the mornings, where we are not similar in terms of how he approaches his days. I seem to have more of an optimistic viewpoint and he can be a bit more pessimistic. And so when I see he is in such an experience of resistance towards his life, I find I take it personally. I make it personal. I think it's because he's dissatisfied with me or that somehow I'm doing something wrong, or somehow I can make it better. And here is where I have had the tendency to think I must change to make him feel better, or I have to be the solution to his problem. I then put the responsibility he has within himself in how he relates to his world on my shoulders.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I see my partner is dissatisfied with his life in thinking and believing it's in relation to me he's dissatisfied and that somehow I'm not good enough, or I need to be doing something better to make him happy

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I am responsible for how my partner relates to his life and to think and believe that if he is unhappy or not satisfied, then it's because of something I'm doing or not doing and then want to change myself in order to make him happy and satisfied... putting then that responsibility on my shoulders instead of realizing I can never make him happy as he is the only source of his own happiness and the only responsibility I have is within who I am

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react within myself when my partner talks about things he's not happy with or where he's still being challenged with his relationship to his life and to think and believe it's because of me or it has to be in relation to me because I am part of his life and if he's not happy, that means he's not happy with me instead of realizing how I am dramatizing the points he faces and making them personal instead of realizing it's not actually about me, it's only about him in relation to life and that I am not responsible for how other people feel about their life

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus more on the belief that I am responsible for how others feel within and towards their life instead of focusing on me and who I am in relation to my life as the primary point I have the power within and the ability to direct and change

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the idea and belief that I must make someone else happy if I see they are unhappy with their life as a way to not have to take responsibility for myself and my life and what I create because when I spend so much time thinking and believing another person's happiness is dependent on me, I am using that time to focus on how to change for others instead of realizing I cannot actually change for real for others, I can only change for myself

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that me taking it personally when I see another person dissatisfied with their life is actually me distracting myself from me being dissatisfied with my own life and what I'm doing or not doing and is not facing that directly, I waste time worrying about others

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if I have to be responsible for others and how they feel about themselves and their life as if they cannot do it for themselves

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not let others be responsible for themselves and their life and thinking I can do it better or I know better or I know the way and that I should just show them so as to not waste time instead of realizing perhaps there is an aspect of needing some kind of control over another person and within this, revealing I do not feel control within myself or my own life and so I seek out another to fill that void of control

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use others to fill a void of not having control over myself or my life and so want to control other people's lives or to spend time thinking about what I'm doing or not doing that is causing them to experience a certain way

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I am being self-dishonest and abdicating self-responsibility when I attempt to control or change another person's life in thinking and believing I am responsible for them - I am actually hiding from aspects of myself I am not yet willing to be self-honest and self-responsible for in actively changing

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to question every need I have in relation to another wherein I think I need to do this or that to change them this way or that way - becoming like a co-dependent and controller who needs another to feel as if I have a purpose instead of making me my purpose, and becoming dependent on myself in terms of depending on myself to become self-honest and self-responsible for ME and who I am in relation to all things

When and as I see myself taking it personally when another seems dissatisfied with their life, as in thinking and believing I am responsible, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that I am not responsible for who another person is in relation to their life and that I am in fact only responsible for who I am in relation to my life and that in me taking it personally that I am somehow responsible for another person is actually a way to hide from my own responsibility and so I commit myself to stop using others to fill the void within myself wherein I am not satisfied, where I'm not being totally self-honest, where I'm not taking full responsibility for myself

I commit myself to realize I am not responsible for how another person experiences their life and my responsibility is and always will be WHO I AM in thought, word, and deed

I commit myself to stop using others to not have to face myself and my own life

I commit myself to stop trying to control others because I have no control over my own

I commit myself to take back control of my own life by practicing the tools of self-honesty in writing, self-forgiveness and practical application wherein I LIVE the change I see I must

I commit myself to allow others to become responsible for their own life

I commit myself to allow myself to become responsible for my own life



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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 01 Mar 2019, 07:29

644: Sins of the Fathers and Birthing Life from the Physical

A continuation from the previous blogs in relation to family... more points of consideration opening up of what it means to stop the generational family lines, to have it end with me and to be the key for the children to usher in heaven on earth. I've heard the old must go before the new can step forth. As a parent, we must stop/end the old as the patterns that have been past down from past lives and the children are the new - the clean slate, the fresh start, a clear starting point to create from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize, and understand that I have a responsibility to the future generations and to this world wherein who I am as bringing children into this world will determine the kind of world that is created and I am either carrying on and passing onto the next generation the sins of the father or principles that will create a world that's best for all

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize, and understand that I have an opportunity to support creating heaven on earth by not allowing myself to pass on the sins of the father onto my children

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that children are an opportunity to create something new but only through the parents willing to be the end of the old cycle, the old world of separation and allowing the children to be the new cycle, the new world - bring heaven to earth

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize the responsibility we have to bring children into this world that will see an example of living principles of love thy neighbor as thyself and give to another as you would like to receive as the only way in which we will create heaven on earth for those to come

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to bring children into this world without considering what needs to be changed as the parent that pass on the patterns that will influence and shape who the child becomes

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that to bring children into this world without questioning the past and the generational lines of programming as what was developed in the family and questioning that development and asking if it serves what is best for all is a disservice to the children and world to come

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that I have an opportunity to shape the future by how I raise my children which will be determined by who I am as a parent and the patterns I instill in the children as what they see as my living example

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that parents have the most crucial responsibility in this world as they are the starting point for who their children will become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to bring children into this world without questioning the world that exists as thinking and believing that just having children is creating a future instead of asking WHAT kind of world do the children deserve and so what kind of example do the children deserve to learn from?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to realize that children copy what they see - they are like parrots of the parent repeating the thoughts, words, and deeds and so the responsibility of each parent is great to display a living example that is self-honest, self-responsible, grounded, understanding, forgiving, stable, compassionate and directive in nature

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe children will change things instead of realizing children will be the example they see and if they do not see something new they will repeat the same generational cycles currently playing out in this world

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe children are a solution to changing the world instead of realizing the condition of the children will determine the conditioning of who they are and thus the conditions they accept and allow within/as this world and thus it's up to the parent - the parents actually being the key as the solution to changing the world

I commit myself to ensure if I bring children into this world I am prepared to show patterns, as the parent, that is best for all - that I LIVE my words and I Stand By and As Principles that are Best for All so as to support the Children to be the generation that Creates Heaven on Earth

I commit myself to stopping the sins of the fathers with me and to birth Life from the physical as me

I commit myself to not be hopeful in the children but rather be the catalyst for children to see and experience what life should be where the Living Principle that guides what they see and experience and expects from Life and thus gives to Life is What is Best for All, Give to Another What you Would Like to Receive and Love thy Neighbor as Thyself

I commit myself to rid myself of the past as the sins of the fathers so that I may show my children Heaven on Earth



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 02 Mar 2019, 07:28

645: Gossip and Talking Sh*t - Acceptance through Silence

So here I am again, facing the point of gossip and the reason is I have yet to transcend and transform who I am in gossip and shit talk. I have over the years faced this in a variety of ways, and kind of got stuck on the point of how to re-direct it because, from my perspective, it is not valid. If someone is speaking about someone behind their back when that person is not around to add their perspective to the story, then it's irrelevant and only supports drama, conflict, blame... the unnecessary stuff in life we accept and allow. So my stance is clear I have no interest in participating in gossip or talking shit about others. The principle I stand within is if you can't say it when that person is around, you have no right to be saying it at all.

That being said, I have never found myself able to communicate these words. I have diverted to just staying silent, not adding anything to the gossip except my silence which can also speak volumes. But the silence I am no longer satisfied with because the gossip keeps coming to me. Just recently I was sought out to deliberately be a sounding board for someone's want to gossip and talk shit about another person. Now, normally I just get pissed off at the person that is coming to me with the gossip - blaming them for their ignorance and pettiness, and spewing their backchat without giving it any direction. But I realize that is not a real solution because I just end up gossiping/talking shit in my head about the person that is gossiping/talking shit about someone else to me.

So what's the real solution? Commitment statements and real-time practical application. Today I finally realized the script I can place for myself, put in my ol' trusted tool-box and use next time I come face to face with gossip and people talking shit.

It's taken years to get to such a simplistic realization - that I can actually design what I will say next time I face this point... I can prepare myself now so that I can prevent the usual conflict and friction I experience when I'm around those that gossip and talk shit. Or perhaps I've had enough where I've finally decided what matters to me and what matters to me more is living by principles and not participating in trash talk because it is just trashy. It's like being in the dumps, throwing around garbage, making everything messy. I much prefer a clean, clear environment.

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to support myself with self-commitment statements when facing the point of gossip and people talking shit wherein I can actually write for myself the script I will use when I face it again - because I will face it again - and to allow myself to use my words to make clear where I stand in relation to gossip and talking shit

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress myself in moments of people talking shit and gossip to me about other people wherein I just go silent as a way to not participate but also in a way to remain within a fear of not creating conflict with another person if I tell them I do not want to participate in what they are participating within

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to peer pressure as not saying "NO" when people gossip and talk shit to me about other people and instead become passive in accepting what they are saying by not telling them to stop

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to make my principles clear with others wherein I do not have to participate in gossip and talking shit and I can tell others that and that should matter more to me then what that person will say if I tell them to stop or that I will not participate

I forgive myself that I have allowed and allowed myself to care more about how others will respond to me saying No to Gossip and talking shit then the principle that I see clearly I want to stand within/as which is I do not accept and allow gossip and talking shit within/as me because it does not support a world best for all - it supports ego and personality and war and conflict and separation and blame and a diminished way of living and expressing - it's it not our utmost potential

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am safe within my silence when others bring gossip or shit talking to me about others instead of realizing I am not honoring myself and what I stand for in my silence, I am becoming passive as an observer and not acting in the interest of all

When and as I see myself coming face to face with gossip and someone talking shit about another person to me, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that until now, I have always remained silent and I am no longer satisfied with that and I am now ready to step up and stand within the principle of what's best for all and so I commit myself to in such moment, express myself and who I

am within my words as saying, "That person is not here to contribute to the conversation and so I think it's best we don't have this conversation without them," or "I will not participate in this conversation without the other person being here to speak for themselves."

When and as I see myself fearing how others will respond to me if I say NO to gossip and talking shit, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this fear has allowed me to become a passive observer and silently accepting what is being said around me and it no longer serves me or what is best for all to remain silent and so I commit myself to voice myself, as no longer suppressing myself, to speak up within what I see is best for all and that is to say no to gossip and shit talking

When and as I see myself wanting to remain silent in the face of gossip and shit talking, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this is me succumbing to peer pressure and I am not satisfied with this standing and so I commit myself to take a stand on what matters, even if that means I must stand alone, to say no more to gossip and shit talking as I see it does not serve what is best for all and so I commit myself to stand alone within principles that are best for all

I commit myself to stop the diminishment of life around me by saying no to those that bring gossip and shit talking to me

I commit myself to embrace where I stand in relation to gossip and shit talking which is I do not accept and allow it

I commit myself to care enough to say no to gossip and talking shit



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 03 Mar 2019, 19:18

646: Standards of the Gold Star

A potential opportunity here that triggered some reactions within me here I feel as though I 'didn't act soon enough' or 'I was too late coming out of the gate.' This is in relation to an opportunity that is similar to something I had considered a few months or so ago and discussed with my partner on various occasions. It's this nature of feeling like missing out when you see others moving on things you considered doing yourself or feeling like you are 'behind' because something emerges that you wanted to do but didn't act on immediately. It's like there are only so many ideas in this world, and if you come up with something, so are a lot of other people and then it becomes a race to who ' shows or does it first'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when I see others moving within things I wanted to move within myself - wherein I had considerations and ideas about certain paths but didn't act on them immediately, instead gave excuses and justifications to stop me and so then when I see others moving within similar points, feel a point of 'I missed out" and "now it's done, I can't do it too"

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe there are only so many ideas to be creative within this world and it's a race to see who can 'get it first' as a point of scarcity in our innovative natures and that if someone comes out first with something similar to what I wanted to do, it devalues me, my considerations, ideas and how I express it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and fear being left behind where I fear not being able to keep up with the creative and innovative expressions that seem to be coming through and to feel as if I am outside of that creative wave and so have missed the boat as others came up with the ideas first and now I cannot pursue similar ideas

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe if someone else has done something I wanted to do, I can no longer do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that having a similar idea to someone else devalues me instead of realizing it actually adds more value as there is an equal seeing of opportunities and innovation taking place

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the excuse "it's already been done" as a reason not to pursue certain interests of mine

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry more about what others are doing as a point of wanting to 'stay ahead of the game' instead of investing that time and attention and focus on what I'd like to express and create

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize myself in thinking others have more skills than me and so will move quicker in points and opportunities and ideas and to use that as an excuse to not move myself instead of realizing I could rather empower myself to spend the time needed to LEARN the skills to create that which I would like to

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe I must be the first - the winner, the best, the first one out of the gate and the first one across the finish line as the programming from school were the gold star was passed out to the student with the best marks or the first right answer and to thus strive to get that gold star as the recognition of 'being the best' instead of pushing for my personal best as a point of self-development and expansion and allowing myself to create and express based on what is best for me - not to win a competition

When and as I see myself feeling left behind, or behind the times, or that I missed an opportunity someone else has taken advantage of, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand this is in relation to the childhood programming of the student with the right answer getting the gold star and that this fuels competition and the belief there can only be ONE winner and so everyone else is second best and so not THE best and so I commit myself to rather push for self-perfection within my self-expression wherein I am not moving based on competition and the need to be number one, or to have the right idea or creative outlet and instead develop myself within the skills I require to pursue the avenues I am interested in - making my best the priority instead of being the best as the best implies a loser

I commit myself to stop making excuses to not move myself ot learn new skills to take on new ventures and interests

I commit myself to stop competing with others in needing to beat them as being the first with the right idea

I commit myself to encourage others as I would like to be encouraged and support the innovators and ones willing to create and express themselves within their ideas

I commit myself to create something new in this world as a new way to live and be and express and relate to others



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Kristina
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Re: Kristina's Journey to Life

Postby Kristina » 04 Mar 2019, 17:37

647: Misinterpreting the Negative

A point here that I must address from a previous blog where I made the statement/definition of myself as more optimistic and my partner as more pessimistic and in seeing how these are in fact definitions of limitations - they do not express who we are for real. What I realized in purifying the definition through self-forgiveness was a deeper fear of the negative... how the days of me avoiding 'the negative' were still around, and I was still holding onto the idea that 'to be positive' is the 'right way to be' to create a positive outcome... yet what I am actually doing, accepting and allowing, however, is a fear to embrace the totality of our reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my partner as more negative and myself as more positive and to within this, already casting judgment on right and wrong as positive and negative - him being the wrong and me being the right and so when he is in such a state of what I perceive as negative, I react because it is not validating my point of positivity as what I think one should live

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create friction between my partner and myself in defining him as negative and me as positive and to think and believe one is the right way and one is the wrong way instead of realizing in such an acceptance of a definition I am in a constant state of judgment and conflict because I am not seeing the reality outside of the polarity which is two individuals walking their life in their own unique ways and approaches but both within the same starting point

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my partner as more negative and to within this, automatically react when I think he is being negative because I am attempting to hold onto a positive experience and if he's not validating this experience for me, I react

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to need my partner to be in a state of positivity so that I can hold onto my belief in the need for positivity wherein I think it's better to be optimistic than pessimistic and not see both have practical elements within their expressions when redefined and considered in a practical reality context

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider the reality of who my partner is as what he goes through within himself as he reflects on himself, and his life and his relationship to things as seeing the depth he goes to understand himself and his unwavering in his self-commitment to never give up

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit who my partner is in defining him as a pessimistic instead of considering the depths he goes within himself, and diving into the darkness as a point of understanding himself and how he operates to then be able to change - I have not dived to such depths perhaps in fear of my own darkness and is why I tend to stay near the light as the positive

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my partner when I think he's portraying negative behavior and experiences as having a difficult time in life as a point of fear within myself and facing the darker aspects of me and facing the truth of myself that perhaps I still have not dived into and so instead of seeing the extent he will go to undercover and understand who is he as not staying away from the more negative experience, I rather react and resist it/him

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program the belief that anything perceived as negative emotions or experiences are bad and should be avoided and resisted from the times I participate in the law of attraction wherein I thought and believed that pure positive energy was the way create to a pure positive reality instead of realizing in my attempt to attain the positive, I was only deliberately ignoring the negative of this world and within myself and thus not actually dealing with it or directing an outcome that is best for all

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that the way to create a happy life is to avoid the negative emotional experiences and to within this belief, react to my partner when he shows me he is not shy of the negative emotions he experiences... he walks with them as understanding them and does not fear it - he investigates it and so I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to see my partner as the practical support he is as the example of how one is able to face the negative emotions within oneself... as challenging as it seems, there is an unwavering that does not let him give up and to me that implies he is not participating in the negative emotions, he is simply facing who he is and what he's accepted and allowed as himself and is willing to walk with and through it until he establishes his clarity

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to brush off negative emotions as thinking they do no good instead of realizing they reveal a lot about myself and they are here for me to explore and come to grips with so that I may face the pure negative that is this world where we allow children to starve, people to live on the streets, abuse animals and ravage the earth... that is the real negative of this world and as without so within... what is here 'out there' is here 'within me' and so it is time to face the negative as coming face to face with the truth of who we are

When and as I see myself reacting to my partner as interpreting him as being negative, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that this reaction has nothing to do with my partner but rather to do with my relationship to that which I define as 'negative' and I for a long time denied and attempted to ignore and brush off the negative - within myself and within this world - and so I commit myself to see my partner as the practical support he is in showing me I have not yet embraced the negative in me, in all of me as this whole world, and so I commit myself to face and embrace the negative in realizing only when I face it and forgive it can I understand it and change it

I commit myself to end the definition of myself and my partner that creates conflict and friction and learn to stand equal to him as the realization that we are equally walking with the willingness to face ourselves and change ourselves to be that which is best for all

I commit myself to stop thinking my partner creates reactions within me and instead look at how I define him as the real source of my conflict and friction

I commit myself to dive into the darkness of me, as this whole world, and not shy away from the truth of what we've become as the manifested negative in the flesh

I commit myself to be grateful for my partner as the support point he is in his own willingness to walk with the negative without judgment or fear but a complete determination to understand what is here




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