Day 51- What Does the Feeling of Winning on Your Mobile Phone Say About Privilege?
I am feeling very unsettled. There was a moment of self-sabotage whilst playing a game on my phone competing with another being. This is a reoccurring experience of mine: when playing competitive games, it’s like there is this external intrusion that prevents me from expressing myself unconditionally within the playing. I experience a need to not try my best to win. When playing the game, I initially want to win very badly, but then it became apparent that it was not best for all for me to try to do so. However, then I experienced confusion because, what am I supposed to do when playing a competitive game if not try my best to win? What comes up in relation to this is a split between wanting to be “of this world” of the competition systems and being in this world but not “of this world”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use competitive video games as a backdoor to living as what’s best for all in every moment, where I justify using my privileged knowledge and information from Desteni against the person with whom I’m competing within the ‘excuse’ that ‘it is a competitive game, I’m supposed to try to win’, instead of doing what’s best for all within every moment of breath
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to justify trying my hardest even when it’s not what is best for all because of getting caught up in the energy rush of playing a game, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that such games are designed to create such energy rushes as energetic experiences, and if I cannot be sure that I stand steady and stable within myself before and during playing such games, maybe I should not start playing them in the first place
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to then go into the energetic experience of sadness in relation to ‘no longer being allowed’ to play such games, where I fear ‘missing out’ on the experience of playing competitive games, and within this, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to also fear missing out on competing within the world system through applying myself to live with and as what’s best for all within every moment, wherein I generate thoughts and feelings and desires related to winning and beating other participants that I can generate within myself when I compete, not realizing, seeing, nor understanding that the world-system is rigged in my favor in most of these situations, otherwise, how else could I so easily win?
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize how such energies of glee, excitement, entertainment, and frivolity are dependent upon my unequal position in the world-system, where I have been given opportunities to develop skills which allow me to ‘beat’ another, without even having a say in being given these opportunities, but to simply have until this moment lived out my privilege on an unconscious level, accepting my position in the world system, without realizing the absolute horror beings who have not been gifted such opportunities must live in on a daily basis, here I am talking about those in destitution and subject to violence and abuse in ways I have not imagined, whose positions I also accepted without questioning the WHY and the HOW of their positioning, but simply indulged in the pleasures of my relative privilege seemingly unaffected by their real pain and horrible life experiences.
I mean, how is it that, in a single universe, millions can be suffering, while on the other side of the world, others are enjoying the finer niceties of life? Sure, the privileged occasionally give into guilt with regards their superior position in Life, but why do so few question HOW or WHY such beings can live in a sort of bubble of privilege without being affected in any way whatsoever by those suffering on the same planet?
The principle of self-responsibility is confirmed within the lack of the intrusion of any law of karma or morality or connectedness which you would think would prevent a painless life of joy and happiness alongside beings suffering unspeakably. Which is just the problem of this world isn’t it? There is absolutely nothing TO stop you from living a life indulging in this or that luxury or feeling or experience or vacation or purchased item. The idea of a heaven or a hell is a lie, because otherwise how could millions of beings throughout all time have lived such lives without some law balancing out the situation on Earth to ease the suffering of millions others?
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