Tyler's Journey to Life

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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 61- Coming to Terms with Narcissistic Abuse

Coming to terms with the fact that my life is ruined because of my choice to interact with a narcissist and buy into her insinuations that she is there to help me. It is easy to blame this person for wasting my life, but I participated with/as her in the ways I did.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear moments of change during times of conflict because I fear the unknown and because I am not secure in who I am within the world system
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear the unknown.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that fearing the unknown implies I cling to the known
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to use fearing the unknown to justify avoiding change in moments of conflict, instead of seizing moments of conflict as opportunities to change.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be secure in who I am within the world system.
I forgive myself that I haven’t allowed myself to realize that not being secure in who I am within the world system implies that I haven’t created my change into placing myself as who I am within and as the world system, taking into consideration the principle of being in the world, but not of the world.
I forgive myself that I’ve accepted and allowed myself to not be secure in who I am within the world system- instead of creating financial stability for myself step by step



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 62- Fearing Sleeping

Today there was a moment where I could see that what I was on my way to do wasn't what was best for me, but I continued on to do the thing I had set out to do anyway. I can see that the original thought to do the thing was tied to a habitual behavioral pattern that is not best for all, but I interpreted the self-honesty to stop/change what I was doing as "intrusive".

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to experience the budding expression of self-honesty as intrusive because it apparently contradicted my previous thought that I wanted to do the thing I was on my way doing.

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed myself to not realize that experiencing the self-honesty impulse to STOP is actually my self-expression trying to "poke through" whereas the original thought to do the thing was a) aligned with a habit that is b) not best for all and my suppression of STOPPING in that moment was actually me as the mind wanting to "cling" to my unconscious behavioral pattern of taking caffeine at night when it will affect my sleep and through off my rhythm making it difficult to participate normally during the day.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this thought is an extension of my mind and not what is best for all/self in a moment

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to not realize that the thought "it's too early to sleep, I should go get a diet Coke" is not as innocent as it seems- as it happened in the evening and has had repercussions lasting into the early morning in terms of me not being able to sleep. The seemingly INNOCENT enjoyment of a coke that late in my day/evening has consequences lasting for the 12 hour half-life of caffeine. Within this, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the very thought of not wanting to sleep is = avoiding a negative.

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to define sleeping too early in the night as negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that defining sleeping too early in the night as negative implies that I fear waking up too early.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear waking up 'too early'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that fearing waking up 'too early' implies that I believe I will have nothing to do if I wake up early in the morning when nothing is apparently going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I have nothing to do early in the morning- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding there are plenty of activities I can do early in the morning.

When and as I see myself go into the experience of tiredness and then react to that within 'it is too early/late to sleep', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize and understand that I must check in with myself during such times and listen to my body- if it needs sleep and I can afford to get some rest, then I can let my body rest.

When and as I see myself react to sleepiness within 'I should get some caffeine, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there are certain situations where taking caffeine will/could/might affect my ability to sleep during 'normal sleeping hours' lol, and so I can/should take that into consideration when considering taking caffeine to fend of tiredness.

When and as I see myself fearing sleeping in case I should 'wake up too early', I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that 'waking up too early' is/has been defined by me through my mind and, as long as I am getting the proper amount of sleep, there is always something I can do/be doing, regardless of the 'time' I might have to do it.

I commit myself to let my body sleep when/if it needs to sleep

I commit myself to consider the time of day when considering taking caffeine; if it's too late and I don't want to be up late, I commit myself to not partake of caffeine

I commit myself to realign my relationship with activities/tasks to being effective/productive and not define my willingness/appropriateness of doing the task by the time of day.



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tylersr
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Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 64- In a Relationship with a Narcissist? Don't Be Like I Was

You know how they say you should go no contact if you realize you have a narcissist in your life? Well, I am a shining example of a reason why. Instead of reaching out to friends or other family members when I was in need, I went crawling back to the narcissist. It was a ‘comfortable’ relationship, which basically meant it was one of those relationships that society ‘tells’ you is sacrosanct. For me, that meant I didn’t have to deal with my issues as long as I could keep going back to this relationship. What I didn’t realize was that merely participating in this relationship WAS one of my issues. 


Self Love, Man, Mirror, Archetypes

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in a relationship with a narcissist

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that participating in a relationship with a narcissist implies I lack self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to lack self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that lacking self-respect implies I have never created self-respect within and as who I am as a living word

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe someone else should give me self-respect

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to not realize that believing someone else should give me self-respect implies that I am not the director of myself

When and as I see myself wanting to participate in a relationship with this narcissist, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that there will be no closure when participating in a relationship with a narcissist and therefore there is no way this relationship can be best for all or best for me in any way.

When and as I see myself not direct myself, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that lacking self-direction implies I am waiting for someone or something to direct me, such as a substance to which I am addicted or an authority figure or fear or needing money and so I deny myself the gift of creating myself whenever I give my authority over to someone or something outside of me to direct me, but that there can be no closure within that relationship because I am not a narcissist and therefore I must take responsibility for who I am in every moment.

I commit myself to take responsibility for who I am in every moment



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tylersr
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Joined: 18 Jul 2011, 22:49

Re: Tyler's Journey to Life

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Day 66- Self-Forgiveness on Placing my Power in Another

Many moons ago, I fell in ‘love’ with a person who I believed granted me access to things I simply would not be able to discover without this person in my presence. It is true that I discovered possibilities I hadn’t thought of before I met this person. However, I came to put A on a pedestal because I had the belief that I wouldn’t be able to continue to access these unknown, apparently ‘extraordinary’ things without being around them. 

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe I can only access ‘extraordinary’ things when in the presence of A

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe A is more-than others because I discovered these things about myself in his presence and therefore he must be imbued with ‘special’ powers

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe A has ‘special’ powers- instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that these things I accessed within myself are simply ‘Words’- words, which can be accessed and lived by anyone who has the vocabulary to access them

I forgive myself therefore for placing my power to access words outside of myself, in A, instead of seeing, realizing, and understanding that I have the power to access and live words within myself, if only I applied the process of redefining words into a form I can stand with/as into infinity and committing myself to live them

When and as I see myself place my power to live words outside of myself in an ‘other’ ‘out-there’, I stop and I breathe. I see, realize, and understand that the power to live words lies within me, I am the arbiter of my destiny within redefining the words that constitute my participation in this reality and choosing to bring to life new words.

I commit myself to redefine and live words that are best for all



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