writing myself to freedom

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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

saturday 10-13-18

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe that i can't apply self forgiveness cuz when i do i have somewhat of a dificult time cuz emotional reactions will come up and when i focus on one it'll just switch to another one and this will just keep on happening. i realize it's a matter of just going for it and .. until i find a way to pull thru and beyond this dificulty resistance, instead of like whining in my mind. it's a matter of just doing it, even if ti's dificult; or i can just try to enjoy distractions as bullshit ditractions pretending i'm actually living, ... which is rather shallow and doesnt complete me, ... and ends up in me feeling sad and like puny and fuckin disempowered and i've been there and it's just sad; it sucks. it sucks to live in fear living lies. it's just sad.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to live in sadness as i live in these shallow lies because i've allowed myself to give myself away to fear and so i just allow this sad bullshit life and don't allow myself to actually live for real; and thus i live in regret and remorse. what i saw in this forgiveness statement is ... i just felt empowered.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to resist and give into the resistance of applying self forgiveness (instead of expanding myself) because i have a dificult time finding it in me to have the intention of actually forgiving myself and meaning it / meaning the words, and so i have to make an effort to pull the meaning thru. i'm used to not caring. yet what i'm seeing is that life isn't nesesarily about what i want or don't want to do as a mind; there is not free choice only concequence.
in order to pull this last sf statement thru i had to tell myself to take it easy/easier on myself, and thus i was able to forgive myself ..., at least for some moments.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to resist/ give into the resistance of applying self forgiveness because i find it dificult to make an effort / the effort nesesary to mean the statement and pull it thru.
to pull thru this sf statement i had to give myself another chance, at living, esentially. i guess/supose doing t he sf statement itself (managing to pull it thru) to an extent is the corrective application.

tho, honestly, i experience a bit of remorse as i like somewhat insecurely question whether my sf is real or not; ;yet i did experience somewhat really actually meaning it.
maybe i just have remorse so like ingrained inside me and thus it can just come up and fuck with me about anything i d as it is projected onto that thing; or maybe it has a pint. i supose i'm not sure. i supose maybe only i'm able to self honestly answer this for myself. tho i'm somewhat will ing to not validate this remorse as i've perceived it (that it's in relation to my sf) and take that chance and see how it goes, as trial and error.
for now, i'm deciding to leave that remorse point on the side because at the moment i'm focusing on my reactions and resistance to dificulty when applying sf; thos, the remorse in itself is something that makes applying sf difficult. thus perhaps it is apropriate to adress it in the last sf statement i will be doing today as i initially comited myself to do 5 sf statments. but then again i was goint to adress another dificulty in applying sf that i resist which is that it takes time, and many times it takes me a lot of time to forgive myself.
so, i will leave the remorse point on the side for now. but a note is that i experience remorse it seems because i believe or maybe suspect that i am deliberately deceiving myself / bullshiting myself somehow in some way, which does not suprize me so much that ti's there since i've been deliberately allowing myself to bullshit myself for many years with masturbation and drugs and i have been thru this addiction supressing the remorse, and i'm aware of that. i've been aware of that/it.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to resist applying self forgiveness because it takes time and can take hours so i have to be dedicated and/as willing to dedicate time and effort and i've resisted that a lot of the time. i realize that i can forgive myself. i can stop judging myself and be willing to give myself a chance to change as i gift 'understanding' to myself.

so, i commit myself to keep walking a process of applying sf - and in that to walk a process of putting the time and effort nesesary. it's a process tho and this is where i wana go; it's what i want because i wana experience to live for real, wherein i can be stable and complete.

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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

monday 10/22/18

i forgive myself for allowing myself to react in/as regret that i'm allowing myself to go into masturbation to picture images and drugs.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to forget that i have to be patient with this point / with myself, because otherwize i'll start reacting to the fall and in reacting i'll miss realization as solutions.

when and as i see myself reacting emotionaly to my participation in masturbation to picture images on drugs, i stop, i breathe, i realize that i have to be patient to not go into self judgment and in that start reacting emotionally, as it is in the not reacting to this that i will be able to see it with clarity and realize solutions. i commit myself to push/impulse myself to be patient with myself and this point of my desire to masturbation to picture images and drugs. i realize i need to understand this and not instead go into reacting emotionally. the more i react the more blind/veiled my sight will be not allowing me to see with clarity what is really going on here. and the more i react the more unstable i will become and the deeper/harsher the fall will be.

... so, how will i ever set myself free from this adiction? thru self forgiveness, as i discharge energy thru sf and the energy is what gives power to the mind, and i'm not the mind, so in discharging energy my real will will start coming out/ stepping forth.

I'd say the more friction i create, the more i react emotionally, and the more i try to resist - the more stuck i will get in this pattern / vicious cycle. i have to give love to myself, that's what anu said. "if love doesnt exist then you don't exist, that's why you cannot change, it's just imposible".

the less i resist and create friction and react - the faster i wil be able to stop and stand up.

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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

10/23/18

a point that came up is that i saw this girl ( my neighbor) which i considered/judged as 'hot', because she has a big ass and thick legs and her face is not ugly, and she was wearing these tiny shorts. she came out of her house with some guy, which i noticed was her boyfriend/lover since he spanked her.

so, initially only the girls came out and she looked at me and i looked at her back and then instead of remaining looking at her face/eyes i looked at her thighs/legs, as i was honestly scared to remain looking into her eyes. then her boyfriend came out, and i felt jealous, and felt inferior or less than as i compared myself to him and envied him in a way.

but then what i didn't like is that i felt like sad with myself. i felt incomplete, unfulfilled, and i envied that guy and that girl. i felt depressed, .... as i compared myself to them. i felt an emotional pain from my solar plexus all the way to my throat mainly, and this experience sucks cuz it like feeds off me / consumes me. and further more it triggered my desire to masturbate - as to go and suppress my reaction and desire to be that which i am not or envy / or jealousy with a lie - which is masturbation.

it's not so much that i actually want that girl i'd say. it's more that i want to feel like proud of myself. i mean, recently i had been standing and directing/moving myself to take care.sort out that which must be sorted out in my life as self responsibility , and what i realized is that i don't really desire to have a girlfriend as i was giving me to myself.

therefore this reaction has all to do with myself as the relationship i have with myself and not at all to do with that girl and that guy which served as a trigger point to show me what i'm allowing myself to exist as within myself. i do have a hunger for a relationship, but it's not a relationship with someone else / a girl, what i want/need to fulfill/complete myself is to have a supportive/intimate relationship with myself. it is for me to stop focusing on others and re-start focusing on myself - as i had done when i did stand.

so, this shows me hos my extensive masturbation / drug addiction has a lot to do with an extensive self pity i'm allowing myself to exist within/as.

the solution to this is to act, to apply self movement as self direction as self responsibility as assuming responsibility for myself/my life and taking care of and sorting out/facing that which i must face; which to me is my process with desteni, to make sure that i do what i can to become real life, as i do not prefer anything else than that because i am aware of the existence of consequence. plus standing up can become an enjoyable experience.

also the solution is to stop focusing on other people and in that comparing myself to them, but to instead rather focus on myself and learn to love/support myself unconditionally. that is the b est purpose i can give to myself. that is how i become self intimate and complete / fulfill myself.

when / as i see myself thinking about/remembering about that girl and that guy and in that going into comparison - stop, i breathe, i realize i am just separating myself from myself because i'm projecting that which i should give to myself unto others. thus i commit myself to give myself to myself to complete / fulfill myself by doing that which must get done as self responsibility which is to walk my process to life here on earth, and to make that my soul-purpose.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to separate myself from myself by allowing myself to desire that girl as allowing myself to sabotage myself and lose touch with myself thru the misconception within desiring that girl , forgetting / not seeing that what i actually am looking for is to feel complete and self fulfilled, which only i can give to myself in/thru my relationship with myself by applying self directive movement as self responsibility.
in this sf i experienced me coming back to myself.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to reject myself as separating myself from myself keeping myself from myself by focusing on that girl and desiring her because i get a sense that if i had her i would feel proud and in that i would be trying to fulfill/complete myself by/thru inflating my ego with fake pride. a lie. as self dishonesty.
and as far as my resistance to sf, i take into consideration that i don't have to worry about the time, but rather just focus on here where i'm applying sf and that's all that exists.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself for allowing myself to sabotage myself by desiring that girl as a misconception looking for myself as my self fulfillment/completeness in her - allowing myself this way to exist in/as self separation. i remember that i have to /should be patient with myself, and my mind, because otherwise i end up going into self judgment.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to judge myself that i allowed myself to sabotage myself by looking for my self fulfillment in desiring that girl as a misconception of what self fulfillment/completeness actually really is and means.
this sf felt lighter.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to look for self fulfillment / completeness in self dishonesty as desiring that girl to boost / inflate my ego and in that allowing myself to lose touch with myself as i separate myself from myself as my beingness as my real self.

10-24-18

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe the idea that i actually desire that girl - not allowing myself to realize/see that i'm just trying to inflate my ego running away from myself and thus existing in self separation, when what i need to give to myself to fulfill myself is - myself.

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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

i realize or take into consideration that in order to stand or actuallly be on the way of standing - equal to those beings that starve, in order to prove that i care and can care - i must suffer too ...., yet obviously not in vain tho. what i mean is that i must 'carry my cross' as in face myself very extensively to an ultimate degree in walking my process to life which will include experiencing, facing, and standing/walking in the face of the greatest resistance(s) possible - which will take of me to make the greatest effort(s) i will ever have to make in this existence ever. that is the only way i can stand equal and one with the beings that is being extensively abused and that extensively suffer in this world every day and show/prove that i actually do care / can care, and that i will stand in support of/for this world as what is best for all unconditionally no matter what. then i will deserve to be here.

i'd say obviously walking my process effectively will be very painful, that's why ti will take the greatest effort to change. it will not be easy. it will only be very easy only once i stand equal and one with life in all ways, but that will take many years. to my understanding in my process i will eventually get to a point wherein i will actually literally experience their suffering equal and one with them as them; that's what bernard walked.

obviously it's not to be too hard on myself as i'd say that will not be effective; but i must be self honest in doing the best that i can always. i must handle what i can handle, which will become more and more and more as i continue walking my process.

otherwise i am the abuser, ignoring the beings that is suffering and being abused in this life as i live my comfortable happy ignorant blind/veiled life hiding in my little isolated personal private bubble in separation. if that is the case then i will be obligated to wake up in the dimensions, but by then it will be too late and what i will have to experience to exist willl be far greater for a very long time. and that is not sugested. best to stand up in this life time. best to give up this one life.

i was motivated to write this as i started viewing the 'reptilian benevolence' interviews done by anu in 2009.

...and, this has nothing to do with feeling sorry for those suffering and abused in this world nor feeling anything about them or their situation as some form of morality. it has only to do with standing equal and one with them. thus walking this process from a starting point of morality can be bullshit as a form of self deceptive self dishonest mind-fuck.

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Kristina
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Kristina »

Hi Daniel,

I would say also be careful of projecting an idea onto what your process will be or ‘whats to come’ in your process, or what it takes to ‘walk process’. These are ideas in the mind based on knowledge and information and you will never know what your process will be, who you will be unless you live it.

None of us know what our process will be like or did we ever think we’d be where we are at, having faced what we have, how challenging yet so rewarding it has been… we just stick to the moments, the decision to do things throughout our day that are of self-support and practice creating new habits, new ways of living… finding how to be in this world but not of it. But ultimately starting with ourselves… focusing on who we are and how we live each day, and ensure we are learning to work with, stand with, what is here as this world – the people, systems, abuses… self-forgiveness is a tool for self-understanding and when you understand yourself you start to understand others and you start to see differently in this world and you realize the keys are simple. Doesn’t mean it’s going to be an easy process, but in that starting point of self – taking responsibility for who we are every day – that creates a trust that we can face what needs to be faced.

So I agree with you, don’t be too hard on yourself. Don’t overthink what will come about in your process or what you "have to do" at some future moment that hasn’t happened. Focus on today… who are you today? What can you do today to support yourself? And in focusing on ourselves daily, one by one we start creating consistency in our days, day after day, 1 +1 accumulating a stability, an understanding, a balance within ourselves. Live your process, don’t think too much about what’s to come in your process.

I would also quote you when you said:

therefore this reaction has all to do with myself as the relationship i have with myself and not at all to do with that girl and that guy which served as a trigger point to show me what i'm allowing myself to exist as within myself. i do have a hunger for a relationship, but it's not a relationship with someone else / a girl, what i want/need to fulfill/complete myself is to have a supportive/intimate relationship with myself. it is for me to stop focusing on others and re-start focusing on myself - as i had done when i did stand.

in two posts back... that is it, man, that is really cool! You got it. That self-responsibility is crucial. it is our starting point, the origin point we must move from because all things stem from that relationship. so very cool to read you here!

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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

11/12/18
today my mother let my 2 cats out (well who i thought were my cats). then as the night came by i kept coming out of my house to see if the 2 cats were by my house as they usually are, but i would not see them. i started reacting with anger thinking to myself that one of the neighbors stole them or took them into their home as if they were theirs. i especially projected my anger in my mind towards some particular neighbors (my next door neighbors) blaming them in my mind to an extent. a week ago i had heard them saying that maybe they should steal one of them because it was beautiful. so i kept thinking and thinking that i was pissed off at those neighbors and that i bet they took my cats. and so i was angry. in my mind i was thinking and imagining myself talking agresively towards them, confronting them, basically inflating my ego i'd say, because in my imagination id be confronting them saying to them shit like to not mess with me cuz they;ll regret it cuz i can be dangerous, or shit like that, in my mind projecting myself as superior to them basically intimidating them with my words, when the reality is, i'd say, that that way i was projecting myself in my imagination is not how i really am in reality. i mean, i'm not some gangster with a long history of getting into fights and being very confrontational and agressive.

and so yeah, i reacted with anger towards my neighbors when i didn't really know if what i was thinking is true, yet i was acting as if it was. i kept on telling myself that i'm fuking pissed off at those people and that i want to beat them up, and just constantly imagining me confronting them.

i started banging against a wall in my apartment that on the otherside of the wall is their appartment (there is no space between my apartment and their appartment) as a way of like saying - fuck you - to them as i am almost sure they'd definitely hear the bangs on the wall. then i heard a door open outside and i went out to see who it was, and it was another neighbor who is like somewhat in charge of the apartments, and i asked him "have you seen my cats?", and he told me they were in a particular neighbors house and that they belonged to him. those 2 cats started spending a lot of time right next to my apartment like about 3 weeks ago, so i took them in as mine and believed them to be mind, but i guess that wasnt really so, and i guess the neighbor i was in my mind blaming for stealing them didin't have them either.

i forgive myself for not allowing myself to see how my anger reaction is a part of me i have separtated myself from and has only to do with myself and the relationship i have with myself , and therefore projecting it on to the neighbors with the justification that i believe they stole my cats, yet i realize they and the situation was just a trigger point to show me what i'm accepting and allowing to exist inside myself.

i frogive myself that i allowed myself to project my anger onto the neighbors.

i forgive mysself for allowing myself to project the anger reaction i experienced onto the neighbors.

at the moment i don't understand anger and i think that to understand it i would have to read about the design of anger.

something i saw when i started looking at this point and attempting to sf about it as i was going for a walk is that i resist to bring this reaction back to me, this reaction of anger, and/or that i tend to aparently in my mind be defensive toward others and judgmental toward others in my mind being like "fuck this person!" "fuck that other person!" "what the fuck are you looking at bitch!" "fuck those people!" and shit like that towards others, and that if i stop doing that what is left is me feeling weak, feeling scared, feeling anxious, and so i inflate my ego acting defensive and as if i'm superior to others. if i stop doing that shit i'm left with myself and how much i hate or dislike my reactions, and beliefs about how i cant change myself and really change/stop/trancend reactions/points. i'm left with how i'm extensively ashamed of myself. that's what i saw as i was looking at the point of my anger reaction and that i inflate my ego a lot (if that's what you call it. so i lie to myself.

so, if this reaction has a message i'd say that's the message, that's the message i see, as what is under this anger ego inflating reaction, that i deceive myself as i supress how i feel about myself and about my life and about who i've allowed myself to become, what i've allowed myself to do in my life, and so i supress/deceive myself by pointing the finger at others, as i fear/resist seeing how i feel about myself and my life. looking at others instead of looking at myself. pointing my finger at others instead of pointing my finger at myself. there's much resistance and discomfort within having to face myself.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to react with anger in the belief that the neighbors had stolen my cats- feeling like insulted, aparently, yet even more than that like distracting myself from myself as/from the issued i have that i consider far more relevant which i am resisting seeing.

i see that i am angry at life, yet i've allowed what has been of my life, yet even tho im aware of it/this i don't wana see, i don't wana take responsibility.

when/as i see myself reacting with anger and/or judgment towards the neighbors (those particular neighbors) i stop, breathe, realize that i'm pointing my finger at them instead of pointing my finger at them instead of pointing it at myself and in that i'm sabotaging myself. i commit myself to walk a process of pushing myself to bring my reactions/emotional-reactions back to myself to start becoming more aware of the issues i have with myself and in that allowing myself an oportunity to face myself and know myself more, becoming more self intimate and self honest.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe the neighbors had stolen my cats when truth is i didn't really know. paranoia.

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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

11/13/18

(continuing from yesterday)

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe those thoughts that the neighbors took my cats blindly.
i forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that the anger i was experiencing is about my personal issues that i have with myself and not about the neighbor.
i forgive myself for allowing myself to deceive myself by believing my thoughts that the neighbor had my cats.

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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

paranoia

11/14/18

Some minutes ago i was laying down on my back and one of my cats was laying over me and i was carressing it and gave it a few kisses in the face. so this was happening inside my house, i was laying on the sofa. so then i could hear the neighbors talking outside. i couldnt hear what they were saying, i could just hear voices of people outside. i reacted for some moments thinking that they were talking shit about me exagerating saying that i'm making out with the cat and maybe even molesting it. i mean, the sofa i was laying in with my cat is next to a window. yet the window is covered by blinds and by a curtain. but yet for a moment i reacted thinking they were talking about me. and so inside myself i was like "ugh, fuck people. they're so full of it", shit like that.

i do understand and am aware that i am mindfucking myself with paranoia by believing my paranoia that whoever was outside was criticising/judging me talking shit about me. this is one example, yet paranoia happens in my day to day life often when i'm outside of my house, or even inside, wherein i'll start reacting as i think that people around me are judging me. i think i developed this way of being largely due to my experiences of being extensively bullied throughout my life, cuz i became traumatized and so i'm most of the time very defensive. but i am aware that i am paranoid. i am also aware and see as a principle in my life the understanding that all i experience / all of my reactions - have all to do only with myself and not at all to do with anyone else, and there is absolutely no exceptions to this; and i am the one that is responsible for changing myself; and i'm the one who has allowed everything that i've experienced ever.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to believe blindly that whoever people were talking outside - that they were talking shit about me judging me saying that i was making out with my cat and maybe even molesting it.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to react with anger as i believed others were talking about me outside.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to create myself in my life as a paranoid person.

i forgive myself for allowing myself to resist self forgiveness as/cuz i have deceived myself so many times in my life, yet i see and/or consider that if i am consistent with my process application i will develop more and more self trust and this will facilitate my ability to really forgive myself.

when/as i hear people talking outside of my apartment and i see myself blindly reacting with anger/judgment to whoever is outside talking in the belief that they are talking about me, i stop, breathe, realize that i am mindfucking myself with paranoia believing in shit that is not necessarily true. i commit myself to walk a process of supporting myself to change paranoia/ to walk out of paranoia, no matter how long it takes.

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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

OVEREATING
11/15/18

today what i did, what i allowed, was to eat extensively, overeat, and this is something i've been allowing for many years now. today i took it to a point to where i felt sick in my sttomach, and so i decided to make myself throw up deliberately, because how my stomach felt sick was fuckin uncomfortable and unenjoyable, so i threw up as an attempt to stop feeling the way i was, and to an extent it worked. so, for years i've been overeating and if i describe the way it's been lately, i do it to experience a stimulation. i do this in many ways with different things, not just overeating, but the point i'm focusing on right now is the point of my addiction to overeating to experience stimulation.

something i was talking into consideration lately is that i stimulate myself to remain numb, as in doing so i am supressing how i feel, the emotions. today a large part of the day was fucked up and not nice as consequence of overeating. initially what i experienced was this uncomfortability within myself i'd say because of all the chemicals i was putting into my body and i was quite itchy. then eventually all i was eating made me feel sleepy and i fell asleep and when i woke up i felt depressed. then later on my stomach started feeling sick and i made myself throw up, and i don't feel my stomach as sick as i did about an hour ago but it still feels uncomfortable and i can say right now that this is not the way i wish i was experiencing myself at the moment.

i've tried to stop this way of eating before since years ago, yet what i remember is that i've told myself that it's to overwhelming to not overeat for stimulation because of the anxiety i feel. i have a lot of anxiety. i'd say obviously i must stop allowing myself to eat this way wherein eating is an addiction thru which i supress myself and limit my self expression and the way that i experience myself i'd say extensively. id like my true self expression to step forth, because even tho i'ts easy to prefer to supress it right now because of the resistance to have to deal with my emotions and experience them as i come face to face with them and my inner conflict, i am convinced that if i faced myself and i got to the point of realizing and living my true self expression i would apreciate it and i would be grateful for myself and... i would apreciate how i experience myself and the realization of who i really am far more than how much i apreciate supressing myself and i would not want to go back, and i would see, realize, and understand that my true self expression is worth it.

i have to specify myself to self honesty and this is why i want to walk DIP, because DIP will practically guide me and assist/support me to walk my mind effectively.

this is a trial and error process. for now i want to do sf on loving,trusting, placing worth, placing value in overeating as addiction to supress myself thru stimulation, and the beliefs/ideas i have allowed and limited myself thru in relation to this point of overeating. but with that i will continue tomorrow. why tomorrow?? because i don't feel well in my stomach right now as i feel nauseous.

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Daniel Martinez
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Re: writing myself to freedom

Post by Daniel Martinez »

who i am as responsiblity and the solution
11/15/18

after watching Murdo McDonald Baynes's 3 desteni interview i found something interesting (an aha! moment), that in not taking responsibility for myself and this world i am stating that i am inferior to my own creations, less that my manifested acceptancess and allowences, which is interesting because i am aware, i'd say, that i have been making that statement for a long time, wherein it seems that i actually believe myself to be powerless to stand equal and one with what i am accepting and allowing / what i've accepted and allowed. it is interesting because - why wouldnt i accept that i am actually able to change this world forevermore? because i'm not realizing who i really am and/as how extesive who i really am really is. and because i have allowed myself to believe myself to be inferior-to and less-than that which i experience. 'fear' has a lot to do with that, and i supose i am obviously aware that that fuckin sucks, but i have accepted it for many years and so it seems as normal. and that sucks... that i've lost myself..., BUT I'VE ALLOWED IT! wtf.

what is the solution? to walk a process of self honest self forgiveness from the starting point of realizing the statement i've allowed myself make. but also i require to also walk an extensive process of educating myself, and thus, i must walk DIP, and this is where i'm trying to direct myself to go.

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