Raúl's journey to life

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Raúl
Posts: 330
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Raúl's writing

Postby Raúl » 24 Nov 2019, 18:58

Hey! I want to use this free empty day I have to write myself. I am glad you are here reading this or having some interest on it.

I don't know where to begin. I have always being a rare being, honestly, and maybe I chose that for this life myself. The more time that passes, the more I have come to understand how similar but also absolutely different I am to the rest of people. I know we are all the same, what I mean is that the path I've followed is my path instead of the path I was supposed to walk. And I remember making this decision as a young child.

So, I am here because of many reasons. One of them is that I did not treat Desteni or whatever this platform means as I would have liked to, but, on the other hand, I also did what I wanted to do. I had many reasons to leave my process, I am glad I did, and all I have gone through since then has been enriching experiences. I was at a dead end back then when I decided to be done with this part of me, and just there was not anything more here for me. That's my path, and that's how I wanted to react to desteni back then. I miss and like however one thing about the perspective of desteni, and it is the commitment. I miss having people in my life who are committed to making the best out of themselves. Some people try, others do some few things about it, but there is just no commitment most of the times, and for avarage human beings as we are, we need commitment. In your life you will find the good days, days that you are in love with commitment, bad days, days that you are just hurt by your commitment, and empty days, like today which are like days of rest for me. No need to do or not to do, I am just here waiting for next week to charge myself. And, so, commitment is what is common between all those things, the truth that unifies those parts of you that somehow seem not to care about the same thing you truly love and appreciate.

So, I have honestly only found that a few times in my life. One is a guitar teacher I had which I admire and love unconditionally, he is for me the foundation of myself, he was one year teaching me things by his mere presence and he is who I most trust. Another, the concerts, concerts feel sometimes like something bigger than myself, and that is a great source of support.
So, another place where I found it is destiny. Also, in one relationship I had with a girl there was this commitment too but it ended up in failure. I am looking forward to find a new commitment in the future.

And so this is one thing I miss, the community of desteni supporting each other for everyone involved doing their best. And I have decided to write myself here not only because I enjoy it but because even if I am committed, even if I had days where if you saw me I would blow your mind, even if I am proud of myself and the piece of me I take care of, there are days that I just give up. And I believe this is because of a lack of commitment. For example, there is this girl that I am attracted to, and there is nothing between me and her, but when I am with her I feel I want to be committed to the best of me and I want to never give up and to really explore into my potential. So, I do see what being committed would be like. But, in real life, day by day, even if I have my projects, my groups of music, my studies, my job, apart from this girl... There is really nothing that pushes me to be committed. I used to have this teacher, but he is gone, and even if I miss him there is nothing more to it, I am just here. And I have days that I can't seem to see what I am heading towards. Listen, I am a 22 years old man, I am hard working, I barely take drugs, I eat healthy, I do yoga, I meditate sometimes, read good stuff, I am educated, I am a good piece of support for this world, but not always to be honest. There is like this inner imbalance in me, and people see it and notice it more that I would like. I'd like that they only saw the good of me, I would like to always be that, but there are days that I literally dive into a hole of fear anxiety and depression, and I am just there looking for help while I know that anybody can help me. And they can't, it's how things are, only you can help yourself, and also, be careful when people try to 'help' you. The way I describe that place it's just like hell, everything which is real works against you, truly against you, and you are forever a piece of failure.

But anyway, that went too far, I was just talking about this hole I dive into sometimes. Honestly, I blame my parents for it, and this society, and this unfair world, this unfair world is what I blame. Me? Who am I? I don't know, that's the question. I was just a developing kid and now I am a grown up. I know I suck sometimes, there are many things to be improved, I just sometimes seem to not see the goal of my commitment. As I said, this girl I talked about seems to bring it to me, but I don't know what to think about that. I guess I'd rather keep working on myself. It's just as I said, difficult sometimes, cause I don't see. I have tried making songs and lyrics and it has kind of helped, I also play guitar all day which has been there for me unconditionally all my life. I am doing fine I think, but I am not all that I can be. I need to be estable, It doesn't matter whose fault this is, I need to do something to solve this. But what, or how. I thought about how self-instrospective I used to get when I wrote myself in the blogs, like if I was talking to myself, like now. It was also very healthy for me because I had a reason to focus my mind, now that I don't seem to see my commitment, the focus... Well, it easily goes away. And I am not saying I do bad stuff for myself, like, I am a healthy human, but I am also very rare (for me), like, if I am committed, I am the best, if I am not committed, I easily become the worst. I have no middle ground. I am not normal, I think, I don't know.

So, I like to think of desteni as something personal for each human. Not as an external idea, or a business, or something outside. If desteni exists it is your own space And also, desteni itself will support you because I have listened to many interviews and they are good material.

I don't think desteni, if it exists the way it should be according to me, it's bad or anything, I have just called it cult sometimes because it is the most similar thing that exists compared to it. But if you think about it the biggest scariest cult is the world, and it sucks, don't be a part of it (I just mean within yourself, you obviously have to work lol).

So, I once decided it was healthy for me to break completely with what desteni has done for me. And I appreciate I did, and I recommend sometimes breaking with things which are important to you, to discover who you are, and then decide who you are in relation to them. This is for me the foundation of being myself and a human being. It is to grow up.

Also if we think of desteni, as a concept, it is something universal, and personal within yourself. It's the way your life unfolds. You can be against it, or in favour of it, but always to keep growing and keep what is good about everything. For me, I needed to take a break and destroy everything, but it does not mean I have stopped living, and desteni and these blogs are the place where I, casually, explain my life. I would also like if I said I have understand some things about how the mind works, but that is entirely depending and your own viewing about your own mind.

Anyway, I am looking forward to making more blogs like this one, well more writings rather this is not a blog lol, there are many interesting thing to talk about.

Thank you.



Raúl
Posts: 330
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Raúl's journey to life

Postby Raúl » 26 Nov 2019, 20:30

Hi, this is my third topic, and hopefully the last one. I will be publishing my blogs here starting today.

https://rauljourney2life.travel.blog/

Day 1 – How to be myself

Hi, this is my new blog. Thanks for joining me, I am starting something new in my life, and I am glad you want to be a part of it.

I want to write about what comes to my mind. I don’t know why I have never noticed that I don’t really need energy to exist. You know, before you notice you are already there, and you start getting further and further away from the truth. I don’t know if I would have realized this without Eqafe or Desteni I process. I don’t know why I haven’t been the one to say, hey, please, let’s look at what’s going on here. And that makes me feel bad, what is wrong with me? But I don’t have all the answers, I am just here, and I know that we as beings don’t need energy. Energy makes you feel energy and then you desire more and so on, it’s a cycle. I can’t tell you why I haven’t realized this by myself, it is hard for me, but I can tell you what I am doing it and how I am doing it.

You are there, yourself, you exist, and then you can enter this world of energy where you enter a polarity and you get further and further away from the truth. It’s all explained in Eqafe, I am just sharing what I am going through. So this energy is a hell in itself, because it takes you nowhere, literally, and that is not desirable, for anyone. And that itself is connected to the rest of this physical manifested world and money and etc.

So, I am choosing to stop the energy. Just to be myself, who I already am. In every part of me. I am realizing this now, since I haven’t been able to realize this before. I am supporting myself to simply stop all the reactions, and I already feel changed. I feel good, but good for real. It remembers me to when I was a child and I was just in the car watching through the window and just being there. I have missed that. I am committed to live my own life. I will get this done, and see what’s in there. Which in fact, it is just me. I have lost many time. And I want to somehow make things right by simply getting this done. Just done, and nothing more. I will have many challenges, I probably have a long way to go, since barely one or two days ago I was feeding all these energies. But I know what I am capable of, I know I am here, and I can understand myself and how I have to move myself within myself, I understand this in me so I have no more excuses.

It has been hard for me to accept that is possible, because sometimes I felt like it was too much, too much energy, too easy to be followed. But I have to recognize one quality I have. When I make mistakes, I try to see the entire truth of them. I may, in fact, make the mistake. But for one moment, I see what I cannot deny. I have always done that because I don’t like when things do not fit, things are made to fit and make sense together. So when I make mistakes, mistakes that I know I want to do, I always say to myself, hey look at what you are about to do and remember it.

And then I do it anyway (at least this is the way it has been), but I can’t deny what I saw for one moment, it sticks in me, for my own good. This is what makes sense for me, I just haven’t believed in myself. I don’t like this world, honestly, but I also see what this world can be. And first and foremost I have to be myself. So I am glad I am doing this, and I wish you the best aswell.



Raúl
Posts: 330
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: Raúl's journey to life

Postby Raúl » 27 Nov 2019, 17:01

https://rauljourney2life.travel.blog/20 ... committed/

Day 2 – Working with what is real and being committed

Hi, I haven’t done self-forgiveness outloud, which is something I should have done. But honestly I have never being more of aware of my fear like I have been today. And that’s something to be recognized. I hope I have more chances of being aware of this because I want to overcome it, by breathing, being committed, and saying with my own sound what I want to say.

I was saying the vegetables I want to the guy at the supermarket. I had been all the day fine with no thoughts. But something got triggered in me when I had to talk to this man to say my vegetables. And it is what I feel with some people. Like the colapse of two world’s, like if two different worlds were crushing into each other. I recognize what this guy from the supermarket was feeling, he has a mind, he doesn’t know who he is, and he speaks the only way he thinks he knows how to speak. And I think there is something honourable in that, there is something to be recognized when someone even besides everything, it is there giving his two cents. And so, he talks, producing his own sound: Hi, what do you want?. And then I have to answer and lead this situación to introduce him to the vegetables I am interested in. And it is not simple situation as it may seem, because I know the moment I speak he is going to recognize my sound and it is going to resonate with him, he will know who I am in one moment and probably see himself reflected. This is what I am truly afraid of, this is what causes me the anxiety of preferring to fake my sound, or ‘half try’ to produce it and then result in anxiety and pain. But I mean, I no longer have a choice. I am who I am, I am aware of my breathing, because I am, and I am hoping I can improve interactions like this in the future, because I can’t live in two world’s, and I have made my decision to be committed to who I really am, because the rest is fake. As simple as that.

So I feel lighter now I really needed to make myself clear about this situation that happened to me today. It was a simple scenario, but my entire being was there, and I will keep working to make sure my mind does not take over.

So also, what I want to share is how the memory is stored in my body and my mind and I believe I have fear with absolutely no basis for it. The only basis for it is memory, associations, and a lack of clarity. And I want to live, so next time I will go deeper, I will explore who I am apart from memory, I will live the situation, I will live myself and create my own sound, and I hope this empowers me to realize that I am the one breathing inside myself, and this grants me the possibility of expressing myself in this life.

Bye!



Raúl
Posts: 330
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: Raúl's journey to life

Postby Raúl » 28 Nov 2019, 15:19

https://rauljourney2life.travel.blog/20 ... with-fear/

Day 3 – Second time dealing with fear

Where does this fear come from? Before being borned, I remembered having the experience of being universal with everything, meaning, I knew that everybody had walked through the door I was walking and everybody had seen the same than me. So, then after that, I thought to myself, oh it’s been a while since I didn’t see this, this must be god, I’ll explore god because I always try and I want to explore god. Then somehow I was convinced to reincarnate. And in the last moment I thought, okay I just saw what I just agreed with by starting this reincarnation, they did it again to me, I know it is a lie, I am being fooled. Then as I grew up I didn’t let my mind integrate in me. Many things happened when I was a child, it was the best time of my life, but it came a point where I just gave up. As I grew older things starting falling apart, not only becuase I myself felt apart and I almost forgot what I knew it was true, but my physical life fell apart, my parents divorced, school was hell, I had fights with people, and I started crying. Then I took this fear, this fear of being different, of somehow knowing things are not what they seem, and I just developed it. It has been with me my whole life, the fear of not having a real sound, having to fake it like everyone else, and also being bad at it lol.
Today I was buying food, with awareness, as I did yesterday. Yesterday I was very aware of my fear, and how I knew my sound would affect other people, I explained it in my previous blog. So, today I did the same when I went to buy fish. I was very uncertain, but at the same time, certain of the sound I had to produce. I just knew it. Even if I was very very uncertain. And then the moment for me to talk came, and I said the fish I want. With my own sound. I am not saying it was perfect, I am not saying I did it. But somehow I managed to stay true, within my commitment, besides the fear. When I produced my sound with my voice, the women from the fish store immediately knew who I was, and that I was not faking it. We then have a small casual conversation, something very hard to sustain, but it was honestly very impressive to see how she saw my sound and she answered me in the exact same way, like if I was contagious. I am very glad this happened, even if I had much fear, and could only say thank you with my eyes when I left, something happened today at that store. Someone (me) produced a different sound, from all the same normal dead sound that it is produced daily at that store. I only noticed after I had left the store what had happened, that I had faced fear in a so brave way. And I am pretty sure I will keep making mistakes. But I am commited, and if I am fear when I speak my words it’s gonna be me as fear, I am not going to just give in, for nothing, to mean nothing for anyone or anything. And I hope I can still work on my sound, because I have really missed it.



Raúl
Posts: 330
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: Raúl's journey to life

Postby Raúl » 29 Nov 2019, 10:15

https://rauljourney2life.travel.blog/20 ... y-process/

Day 4 – Update about my process

So this is not going to be a normal blog. First I want to say that it seems that Desteni is a place which is not right or wrong, and that is… Right.

But, despite that, let’s assume that Desteni is wrong in some points. What are my questions for myself after having applied the tools and then having stopped applied them? The following:

-Why is it that I can not stop my thoughts if I want to?

-Why is it that I have no control over the energy, as reactions, generated by trigger thoughts, within myself? Why is it that they change me?

-Why is it that my mind, alone, without discipline, as the desteny tools, will simply look for the easiest way to empty me of substance by creating energy? Is this the only way to live?

-Why is it that without the Desteny tools I can’t seem to guide my own energy when I express myself, and instead I just generate as much as possible as quickly as possible to apparently ‘live’?

My conclusion is that there is something fundamentally wrong in the way I have come to exist. And I must find a way in which I can express myself, while I am the directive principle. And not what I do, which is using energy as a trigger point to just have energy in the end, which is what I do even if I apparently have ‘honest thoughts’ in the process.

I commit myself to keep applying the tools for the mind provided by Desteni, but without falling into a trap where I run away from my mind to not face my mind and feel like I am already free. When in fact there is so much work to do. I commit myself to follow what is real within my own individual experience, and I commit myself to connect Desteni with that, where Desteni becomes a guide for my own individual process, which is what it should have been from the start, instead of making my it my live saving point. I commit myself to see what my mind is really made of, which is, seeing it for what is it instead of inside a right or wrong equation, and within this I commit myself to not judge me, to not react to myself as much as I can each day, and to keep applying tools which by themselves are neutral and I will have to be tested for myself to find out if they are for me or not.

I commit myself to see the truth, and from this point express my own self, instead of justifying everything with energy, as I do if left alone without discipline, because it apparently makes me more than myself, when in fact who I am goes anywhere, and in the process I haven’t even expressed myself. Instead, I have within myself, expressed my attachment towards energy as feelings/emotions, even if I am the only one within this whole world noticing it.

I commit myself to set free, as this neutral point I have found within myself that only sees the truth, these mind systems which only purpose is to direct myself into the creation of energy for me to apparently live, while meanwhile, nothing happens.



Raúl
Posts: 330
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: Raúl's journey to life

Postby Raúl » 30 Nov 2019, 16:41

https://rauljourney2life.travel.blog/20 ... oing-fine/

Day 5 – I am doing fine

Honestly, there is not much for me to talk about. Not because there have not been no challenges, but because a balance is taking place in my life. So sweet. With sweet I mean, that I have a commitment with myself, I am not letting myself go, I am being here for me to see the truth of this moment, see how it affects me, its consequence, and every moment I am learning something new. There for sure will be many more challenges, but majnor events are happening in my life. For example this morning I had a recording with a choir, and it has been the time I has sung the best in all my life. I was singing my truth for real in my sound while my own sound was supporting myself to set myself free, to be here and act and create and not lose or forget myself. To help others who are in trouble, to help them see they are here, to show them what this mean. I will face many challenges, but the most important step which is self-commitment I have already walked it. And I am glad I did this, it’s why I did it. It shouldn’t have taken me this longs, but I finally saw it and I am working each moment to have an inner balance. To not be against energy, but rather been one with it, expressing myself, while I have this view that I am not deceiving myself. If you focus in yourself, there is really no limit to how much you can see, you are the one deciding how commited you are to yourself, and therefore to others. I am enjoying talking with my own sound, because it’s been a long time. It’s just that I have missed it, there were apparently so many reasons to lose my sound that I thought it was worth it. And the truth, I knew it when I did it. I knew I was the one doing it, I remember seen it and this was the point I had to reveal to myself. If you lose yourself, it doesn’t matter where you search it, you will never find it.
Thanks to everybody, let’s not lose ourselves.



Raúl
Posts: 330
Joined: 09 May 2017, 02:22

Re: Raúl's journey to life

Postby Raúl » 12 Dec 2019, 22:50

https://wordpress.com/posts/rauljourney ... ravel.blog

Day 6 - Feeling like I am missing the fun, and the lie of happiness

I am not going to put you in full context because it is too extensed, and as the title says this is what I’ll talk about.

When I talk about my heart, I talk about the fountain in which my energy is borned from and it expresses itself through this energy itself. My heart has always been my weak point, it’s also my father’s one. And it’s principal point of abuse, the front door in which all the play gets manifested is sex/relationships. And you, or maybe just I, I don’t know about you, are seeing a potential relationship, it’s like your heart gets connected to itself. And what it does, is basically fuck with yourself. You are literally fucking with your own heart, that’s why even if you are far away from this person, you still feeling the love when you think about that person, it’s all in your head. I don’t like it. It has some advantages, like the amounts of energy you can create. And not only that, for me it’s benefitial because it creates a god within me to direct all energy there. But listen, this god it's not what it seems. Would be cool if it would be forever, but it’s not, it’s like fucking with yourself, and that’s not forever, it feels oddly wrong, that’s why it feels so good to fall in love. Love, as this “fucking with yourself”, has showed me that I should not let this within my head controll me. I don’t need a purpose to exist, I am my own purpose, doing my best for my life, supporting my energy, and taking care of it. I have only the desire of the relationship because I don’t give my 100% in my life, and this is what really fucks me up. And also, as I said, you can only fuck with yourself for so long, it will eventually run out of energy and you will be left in the desert, with a broken heart, full of lies, still addicted, and still believing in the lie called love.

It doesn’t matter how real it feels, it has no justification. It has no reason to exist. It is the manifestation itself of abuse; a real way to fuck with yourself. This all my sound nasty, but it is what I have seen within myself. I want to be my best me, for all the mes within me, and fucking with my own heart fucks me up. My heart is a wild beast, it needs to become something that I can live with, something that doesn’t have this power over me. Something that doesn’t feel dead, repetitive. Something which is not so tempting, so easy to do, so energic and empty of any life and hope. I need to become someone I can live with, bad this starts in my self, for myself, from this moment to the rest of the moments. I am the person who will make sure I am doing what is right.

So, it doesn’t matter how easy, real, and stronr you feel it in your heart. You just know what you are doing, you are fucking with yourself. Alone. In your head. With yourself. It’s very nasty if you think about it. And we call it being in love. The easiest thing in the world is to be in love, there is so much about it than just that.

I do this for myself. I commit myself to not abuse myself. I commit myself to learn, to grow, to see, to not do the blind eye. I commit myself to be here, in my breath, with no abuse, with no addictions, with no lies, with no hidden intentions, with no traition. I forgive myself that I have allowed this voices within myself to fuck with myself to create energy, while I know it’s not going to take me anywhere. I commit myself to remain here, within my breath, with all the tools and knowledge I have, and to see things for what they really are.




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